Can anyone tell me what's the worst part of having BPD for them?

[notevenhere]

it's genuinely one of the main reasons i'm offing myself. haha. my ex had the audacity to tell me that i think so shallow about the world because i accused him of not understanding how i feel because i'm borderline. he doesn't know that i feel things too intensely. so much so i have to cut myself to calm down. i haven't heard from him for a day, which is killing me. i don't mean anything to him anymore. in fact, he got really mad at me when i said that I'm planning to end it all soon.

he says the most hurtful things and i know it's manipulative of me to dangle my suicide in front of him to get him to pay attention to me.

that's the thing about bpd, isn't it? we're so demonized. we're called really bad people, we're the worst. as if I already don't feel unlovable. as if i don't struggle everyday with my emotions. and how exhausting it is to deal with fluctuating moods and splitting.

I'm so tired. I'm sure it's cringe to say "nobody understands," but it's exactly how i feel. and i don't really want to burden anybody with my bpd anymore.

i can't even stand feeling this way, what more if it's another person who has the choice to leave me? I'd abandon me, too.

 

[Ash]

Sucks, doesn't it?!

For me, it's not knowing when it's the situation and when it's the BPD. I don't know who to trust and am constantly second guessing myself and everyone around me. It's exhausting and reinforces my isolation and loneliness. If I could get away and live a truly isolated state like grumpy characters do in my favourite fantasy novels, then I'd probably be ok. If I'd left school and gone to work on the farm, I'd probably have been ok. Venturing out into the world was my mistake. Before then, I didn't know any different. I didn't know that people lived any differently. I didn't know that my normal, well, wasn't.

Anyway, rambling now. Shutting up!

 

[wanda]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, I got diagnosed with bpd around a year ago and my mom made me stop having my meds for it because she thought homeopathy meds would work better(they don't). Since then I haven't been able to talk about my bpd and everyone's forgotten I have it but it's very real for me and I have to go through the symptoms of it. If I blame my relationship problems on my bpd people will say I'm using it as an excuse whereas IT IS the reason for the problems.
So ure not alone, there are people who understand what ure going through.

 

[JKFleck]

When the only person that cares about me blocked me


***BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING RETARDED***

 

[notevenhere]

I'm sorry you have to go through this, I got diagnosed with bpd around a year ago and my mom made me stop having my meds for it because she thought homeopathy meds would work better(they don't). Since then I haven't been able to talk about my bpd and everyone's forgotten I have it but it's very real for me and I have to go through the symptoms of it. If I blame my relationship problems on my bpd people will say I'm using it as an excuse whereas IT IS the reason for the problems.
So ure not alone, there are people who understand what ure going through.

THIS INFURIATES ME. my ex would get mad at me and keeps saying I'm using my bpd as an EXCUSE and not a REASON. i have explained to him my triggers and I constantly need reassurance but he sees it as being clingy and I'm suffocating him. when he continues to do things that i already told him triggers me.

and sometimes I'll have episodes where i block him or delete our chat and he'd call it "me acting up," or the time i admitted I have a fear of abandonment and he saw it as me being codependent and proceeded to ask for a breakup.

i fucking hope he understands he's the reason i even want to end it all. i feel so unseen by him. i remember telling him i feel unloved by him and he made it who him. he made it about him, and i had to feel had about it.

 

[Ln42]

I'm sorry you are going through this and that your bf doesn't understand. I guess for me it's not having anyone irl who understands, who has bpd and gets me completely as much as anyone can get me, I don't get me! So I'm grateful for this site where others understand me.

 

[wanda]

THIS INFURIATES ME. my ex would get mad at me and keeps saying I'm using my bpd as an EXCUSE and not a REASON. i have explained to him my triggers and I constantly need reassurance but he sees it as being clingy and I'm suffocating him. when he continues to do things that i already told him triggers me.

and sometimes I'll have episodes where i block him or delete our chat and he'd call it "me acting up," or the time i admitted I have a fear of abandonment and he saw it as me being codependent and proceeded to ask for a breakup.

i fucking hope he understands he's the reason i even want to end it all. i feel so unseen by him. i remember telling him i feel unloved by him and he made it who him. he made it about him, and i had to feel had about it.

It's very hard for people who don't have the disorder to understand what it feels like to go through it, people can be so unsympathetic it's insane especially those who are close to you and you care about. I'm so sorry he keeps making you feel bad about something that's not under your control instead of helping you through it that rlly sucks.

 

[CocoToxBase]

I got diagnosed with EUPD/BPD PTSD and Autism the week of my 18th birthday (Happy birthday present from the NHS I suppose). For me it's hard to identify which emotions are linked to each condition because quite a lot of them overlap. When I'm feeling reckless/impulsive I don't know which one it is and how to stop it even the 'professionals' don't know how to help me. The hardest part is not understanding myself and why I do the things I do which is really frustrating

 

[ImTelling]

It's the splitting. The God damned splitting. I look at friends I've known for years, family members and even my girlfriend and I just see people who I hate and I think hate me.

I just feel this deep seeded hatred for them all. Like they all want me dead. I fucking hate them so much. And I know I'm the one that ruined the relationship but I fucking hate them all so much.

 

[spring vainglory]

the dependency on my favorite person. when my bf doesnt talk to me when i really want him to i really really really feel the urge to hang myself, like nothing is worth it. i need him so much and it burdens him and i cant handle space. im only here because i dont want to lose him. but i hate him so much when he doesn't talk to me.

 

[lovedread]

When the only person that cares about me blocked me


***BECAUSE I'M SO FUCKING RETARDED***

I feel the exact same way as you lol
edit: probably dont have bpd myself im just shitty

 

[goodoldnoname923]

it's genuinely one of the main reasons i'm offing myself. haha. my ex had the audacity to tell me that i think so shallow about the world because i accused him of not understanding how i feel because i'm borderline. he doesn't know that i feel things too intensely. so much so i have to cut myself to calm down. i haven't heard from him for a day, which is killing me. i don't mean anything to him anymore. in fact, he got really mad at me when i said that I'm planning to end it all soon.

he says the most hurtful things and i know it's manipulative of me to dangle my suicide in front of him to get him to pay attention to me.

that's the thing about bpd, isn't it? we're so demonized. we're called really bad people, we're the worst. as if I already don't feel unlovable. as if i don't struggle everyday with my emotions. and how exhausting it is to deal with fluctuating moods and splitting.

I'm so tired. I'm sure it's cringe to say "nobody understands," but it's exactly how i feel. and i don't really want to burden anybody with my bpd anymore.

i can't even stand feeling this way, what more if it's another person who has the choice to leave me? I'd abandon me, too.

I constantly go around saying people don't understand yet they constantly tell me they do…and then i'm gaslit to think I'm the bad guy

I also claimed alot that people don't care and the reality is i often feel they don't even if they show so i just can't feel that emotional closeness and idk why

Perhaps self harming is something I should've done more from a younger age to cope,i guess i always had a thing against doing it myself but looking back maybe it would've helped me keep my emotions and self hatred to myself rather than enforcing it on other people

I know what its like not being wanted by your FP hated or even forgotten about…i've had it all and maybe him getting mad is his way of tough love but its still a horrible way to handle it and only makes you feel worse

And maybe it is manipulative but its not like you don't genuinely feel that way…I literally told my FP before they left that i would most likely KMS and i'd never get over them and 6 months later those statements both rain true

Demonised by the world we very much are saw as monsters manipulators psychotic that we should never be trusted that we should be locked away and left and isolated from the world…it's awful and thats because people don't fucking understand its awful

Abandonment is such a common thing its like why even get close to people anymore yet you so desperately crave deep social bonds it's terrible

 

[ladidabi]

Everything, and myself being unpredictable and intensely tiring. Almost paranoid.

 

[Dark Window]

THIS INFURIATES ME. my ex would get mad at me and keeps saying I'm using my bpd as an EXCUSE and not a REASON. i have explained to him my triggers and I constantly need reassurance but he sees it as being clingy and I'm suffocating him. when he continues to do things that i already told him triggers me.

and sometimes I'll have episodes where i block him or delete our chat and he'd call it "me acting up," or the time i admitted I have a fear of abandonment and he saw it as me being codependent and proceeded to ask for a breakup.

i fucking hope he understands he's the reason i even want to end it all. i feel so unseen by him. i remember telling him i feel unloved by him and he made it who him. he made it about him, and i had to feel had about it.

What behaviours are you engaging in to make him resent you btw?

I can sympathise with the pain that BPD causes, but the reality is I've seen so many horror shows of BPD people engaging in behaviours that seem identical to that of narcissists.

 

[untothedepths]

Once again, I have not been diagnosed with BPD but I have nearly all the symptoms. For me, its the trust issues, the mood swings, and constant thoughts of suicide. Every day is a challenge for me and mentally painful. I do self-harm to cope. I may say things Idont mean and apologize and try to do better. My motive isnt to hurt others ever.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

I don't have BPD myself but I truly feel for you OP and all the others on this thread. There is such an unjust, undue stigma against those with BPD, especially women, that I feel is unwarranted and preventing real, compassionate help. BPD behaviors are not affectations, but signs of true emotional turmoil, strife, and scarring.

A couple years ago I had an acquaintance from the forum (I would say friend but she was way too cool to be my friend and I was actually intimidated to talk to her much!) who had BPD and she was one of the funniest, wittiest, most creative people I ever met, but she struggled so much in her short life before she passed. It seemed like others would stick around for her highs but not her lows, which was a real shame as it only reinforced feelings of abandonment.

There needs to be a lot more understanding for you all.

 

[Onelegman]

For me, the worst thing is constantly mentally boycotting myself, not being able to socialize with people because my tastes are limited and my nerves prevent me from eating when I am in environments where I feel threatened for no reason.

 

[soulsing]

Definitely the constant abandonment and splitting. I have never, and will never, be able to have a friend or anyone that will actually stay because I'm just far too annoying and draining to talk to. And then I have to deal with being alone and feeling like I'm suffocating on top of it. It sucks so much but I've already accepted this reality.

 

[archiveofpain]

It would be the intense jealousy, I find it one of the most debilitating and consuming emotions I have ever experienced and it drives me up the walls because for the most part I know I'm being irrational and I have no right to feel that way.

I have never genuinely hated someone, as much as I hate when I feel someone is threatening my friendships, its like extreme bad splitting and it makes everything else bad. I guess it triggers my feelings of abandonment like I will be replaced and forgotten which in turns makes me want to push them away and test them at worst and I know it's not healthy. It really sucks.