Discussion Can anyone see a future for themselves?

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

Because I can't. I will be forever miserable in this existence. Even when I'm happy, I know it's only temporary and in the back of my mind I know that I shouldn't be here and should have never lived this long. In fact, I should have never lived at all. I don't want to feel different or like an outsider. I don't want to continue disappointing everyone. I don't want to be mistreated any longer. I'm sick of everyday being the same. I'm sick of being forgotten by everyone easily. I used to talk more with a friend of mine but since she's started dating her bf, we don't talk nearly as much. They're both quite nice and I don't resent them but it's just that she was one of the few people who paid attention to me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in spectator mode, just watching the world go round whilst not being a part of any memories. I really hate where my life is going and I'm sick of pretending I'm "chill" with dropping out and literally fucking missing my graduation and having an overall fucked up senior year. I'm sick of pretending I'm not broken and haven't given up on my repulsive existence.

The mental health system doesn't help whatsoever and has only left me with more trauma and an increased distrust of the health profession as a whole. Being left overnight in a bright and noisy room and woken up every 5 seconds is not bloody helpful. Having some bitch school counsel or act like I'm drug seeking when I was literally just a pained 15 year old curious about looking into ADHD is not bloody helpful. Having some arrogant dickhead doctor act like being suicidal 24/7 is just due to "typical teenage feelings" and dismissing my very real autism concerns is not bloody helpful.

You're treated like you're crazy and asked "what's wrong with you" but when you try to answer why, everyone's like "you're not crazy, you're just exaggerating and just need to take a walk and practice mindfulness"

I only foresee more suffering in my future and do not believe I was destined to live a full life. It literally isn't possible for me to imagine myself as a fully grown adult, let alone as a 19 year old. My destiny is to die young and god I cannot wait

 

[ultrasharpy123456]

I wish I could. Honestly.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I wish I could. Honestly.

Yeah it sucks because even when I'm happy, I can't either ):

 

[sserafim]

Because I can't. I will be forever miserable in this existence. Even when I'm happy, I know it's only temporary and in the back of my mind I know that I shouldn't be here and should have never lived this long. In fact, I should have never lived at all. I don't want to feel different or like an outsider. I don't want to continue disappointing everyone. I don't want to be mistreated any longer. I'm sick of everyday being the same. I'm sick of being forgotten by everyone easily. I used to talk more with a friend of mine but since she's started dating her bf, we don't talk nearly as much. They're both quite nice and I don't resent them but it's just that she was one of the few people who paid attention to me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in spectator mode, just watching the world go round whilst not being a part of any memories. I really hate where my life is going and I'm sick of pretending I'm "chill" with dropping out and literally fucking missing my graduation and having an overall fucked up senior year. I'm sick of pretending I'm not broken and haven't given up on my repulsive existence.

The mental health system doesn't help whatsoever and has only left me with more trauma and an increased distrust of the health profession as a whole. Being left overnight in a bright and noisy room and woken up every 5 seconds is not bloody helpful. Having some bitch school counsel or act like I'm drug seeking when I was literally just a pained 15 year old curious about looking into ADHD is not bloody helpful. Having some arrogant dickhead doctor act like being suicidal 24/7 is just due to "typical teenage feelings" and dismissing my very real autism concerns is not bloody helpful.

You're treated like you're crazy and asked "what's wrong with you" but when you try to answer why, everyone's like "you're not crazy, you're just exaggerating and just need to take a walk and practice mindfulness"

I only foresee more suffering in my future and do not believe I was destined to live a full life. It literally isn't possible for me to imagine myself as a fully grown adult, let alone as a 19 year old. My destiny is to die young and god I cannot wait

Nope, I don't see a bright future (or any future, in fact) for myself, which is why I want to ctb. I never even imagined myself living to adulthood either, I always thought I wasn't gonna live past 18. I just don't see myself actually becoming a "real adult" or entering the real world. I don't think I was destined to live a full life either, I think I was destined to die before I became an adult. Anyways, I'm gonna die young

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Oh yes. Let's just say it's why I'm on this site.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I don't think anyone would be on this side of SaSu if they could.

 

[snowcloud9]

I think only in the near future. I wanna be reckless and fuck around and then once my life goes to hell, ctb. Should be a few years of pure hedonism, maybe I will be happy for once.

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

Not particularly. My vision of the future is hazy. Even if I live, I have no idea what I'm going to do.

 

[fwompie]

Not really, I really do wish for it though. I just wish living was easier and that I didn't have these issues, then I'd like to live long.

 

[StarFaded]

Absolutely fucking not. I'm 37 years old and speaking for myself but I wish I was brave/strong enough to CTB much much earlier than this. I keep trying to hold out hope for my life to just. keep. getting. worse. Enough is enough.

 

[jussrav]

Not really, I really do wish for it though. I just wish living was easier and that I didn't have these issues, then I'd like to live long.

I wish living was easier but its not.

 

[FuneralCry]

It fills me with dread thinking of the potential future of me suffering in this existence, there's no future that I could ever wish for, I only desire nothingness, a peaceful, eternal sleep free from all suffering. The thought of decaying from age in this cruel and meaningless existence is so repulsive and undesirable, I really do hate how there is no straightforward way to just permanently be free from everything, the only comfort lies in the eternity of death.

 

[ToTheTwillight]

I got blacklisted from the job market, got no relationship and in order to have friends it seems I always have to put the leg work or I got nothing. I'm now 37 and normally for anyone it just gets worse and worse from that point, it's a steep decline off the cliff. I see very little possibility of better future, and much more possibility of worse future, so it makes sense to ctb

 

[Eudaimonic]

Possibly, but I'm not sure I have it in me. At this point, it's too early to tell.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I got blacklisted from the job market, got no relationship and in order to have friends it seems I always have to put the leg work or I got nothing. I'm now 37 and normally for anyone it just gets worse and worse from that point, it's a steep decline off the cliff. I see very little possibility of better future, and much more possibility of worse future, so it makes sense to ctb

Yeah the job market is pretty rough, I got rejected for the 10th time today

 

[sserafim]

Not particularly. My vision of the future is hazy. Even if I live, I have no idea what I'm going to do.

Same

I got blacklisted from the job market, got no relationship and in order to have friends it seems I always have to put the leg work or I got nothing. I'm now 37 and normally for anyone it just gets worse and worse from that point, it's a steep decline off the cliff. I see very little possibility of better future, and much more possibility of worse future, so it makes sense to ctb

How did you get blacklisted from the job market? Sorry to hear that

 

[ruru_241]

i can't anymore. the future i did want is impossible now but it's fine, life happens.

 

[girlwithflaxenhair0]

Nope, my future doesn't even necessarily seem terrible, just nonexistant, or sad and dull at best. I can't imagine myself ever having a job, having a friend or partner who cares about me, moving out of my parents' house, or anything really. I'm not sure how soon, but the only future I can imagine is one in which i ctb in the next few months. Anything else feels entirely impossible and unrealistic and strange

 

[Archness]

no.

fr my autistic brain is SHIT. I'm too empty to really live a fulfilling life. Since the day I way born, I couldn't really see "Adult life", even now when my life's supposed to have started some time ago. At best I could go through the motions but LIVING for real, I don't really see it.

Work, break, work, repeat. Could there be more to life? Not for me, I'm never gonna find love, never gonna have real friends, because I'm nothing.
and that's assuming I could get a job, move out of my parents house, and enter "the real world" in the first place. None of that is gonna happen: no talent, skill, charisma or beauty. A real worthless loser.

Even the best case is just that I'm not homeless and away from annoying family. I'd be working a low-end job and living in small, filthy rooms, not too different to living here /w my parents, but with more chores and even less energy due to job.

At best, I'd maintain life enough I could still distract myself, and immerse myself in fantasies; Maintain myself like that forever, because raising my life would be impossible with that arrangement.

I can't really fantasize about a life better then that anymore sadly; it's too far removed while supposedly taking place in reality. I can only hope things get fucked up and I get to see some actions before dying I guess, or some action that just breaks of these repeating days.

 

[anonaon]

I can but i dont know if the journey's worth it

 

[misophoned]

Because I can't. I will be forever miserable in this existence. Even when I'm happy, I know it's only temporary and in the back of my mind I know that I shouldn't be here and should have never lived this long. In fact, I should have never lived at all. I don't want to feel different or like an outsider. I don't want to continue disappointing everyone. I don't want to be mistreated any longer. I'm sick of everyday being the same. I'm sick of being forgotten by everyone easily. I used to talk more with a friend of mine but since she's started dating her bf, we don't talk nearly as much. They're both quite nice and I don't resent them but it's just that she was one of the few people who paid attention to me.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in spectator mode, just watching the world go round whilst not being a part of any memories. I really hate where my life is going and I'm sick of pretending I'm "chill" with dropping out and literally fucking missing my graduation and having an overall fucked up senior year. I'm sick of pretending I'm not broken and haven't given up on my repulsive existence.

The mental health system doesn't help whatsoever and has only left me with more trauma and an increased distrust of the health profession as a whole. Being left overnight in a bright and noisy room and woken up every 5 seconds is not bloody helpful. Having some bitch school counsel or act like I'm drug seeking when I was literally just a pained 15 year old curious about looking into ADHD is not bloody helpful. Having some arrogant dickhead doctor act like being suicidal 24/7 is just due to "typical teenage feelings" and dismissing my very real autism concerns is not bloody helpful.

You're treated like you're crazy and asked "what's wrong with you" but when you try to answer why, everyone's like "you're not crazy, you're just exaggerating and just need to take a walk and practice mindfulness"

I only foresee more suffering in my future and do not believe I was destined to live a full life. It literally isn't possible for me to imagine myself as a fully grown adult, let alone as a 19 year old. My destiny is to die young and god I cannot wait

Sometimes when I'm talking to someone, I'll get caught up in a fantasy of the future: a good future. When that happens I remind myself that I plan to ctb long before any of this will become possible.

 

[Riu]

I want to say something, but I should go to sleep. Just expect a message from me tomorrow! I'm sorry if I don't reply, I don't have the best memory. I will try my best to remember, and what I want to say is from the bottom of my heart and my best wishes. It just might be very long so I have so hold off until tomorrow!!!

 

[Forever Sleep]

The future is the problem... I predict I will end up back in a wage slave job I hate. Eventually, the one family member left for me will die. That will be incredibly painful. Then, I have old age and likely more illness to look forward to while not being able to retire because I chose such a stupid career.

Of course- I know what pro lifers would say- your future doesn't have to be like that- you can make it anything you want. Firstly- that's unrealistic- we don't all just get or achieve what we want- no matter how hard we try. I sort of did get what I wanted anyway. It isn't exactly worth it.

To that I imagine they would say- I need to learn how to settle for less. Why should I though? So that my death doesn't slightly upset the few people who will be left in my life- even though I haven't seen them for 5, 10, 20 years? So that I can continue to be a productive tax paying, consumerist member of society?

The second would be to get out there and make new friends. Previous experience has taught me that friendship is unreliable. It makes you incredibly vulnerable to put your hopes and faith in others. I've learnt the hard way that it hurts more when they leave you. So- it seems safer not to do so to begin with.

I could try harder once again to turn things around but quite honestly- I'm tired of putting all that effort in. In many ways, it's actually helped me to let go of my big dreams for the future. They were unrealistic. I was always going to feel the pressure of feeling like a failure because I couldn't achieve them. There's a new calmness in my life to some extent- just trying to wing it and tread water the rest of the way.

 

[MidnightGloom]

I have never once stopped to think about how my future would play out. I can only imagine despair and my crash into death. I've always been a spectator of life. I've never once attempted to communicate with others or form bonds, nor have I ever attempted to become more involved in my own hobbies. I have never cared about my grades, my health, or anything.

I simply accept everything that happens to me as I watch everybody I've ever known step forward into a world that I know I'll never be apart of, yet never make an effort to become apart of. I watch people become happy, knowing that their world is flourishing while mine falls apart, knowing that they'll forget me, knowing that in the future nobody will care about me because I've never opened up enough for them to care. I couldn't care less about my grades, not seeing myself able to live long enough to merge into that world.

All I ever wanted was to sleep forever, until the day I'd no longer be remembered. The future is something I'd convinced myself I'd longed for despite the fact that I never once reached out for it even when it reached out for me. The future is nonexistent to me, and I don't want to have to live long enough to see my thoughts about it keep coming true.

Besides, there's no use in imagining a future when death is imminent. Even if we were all to live a happy life, we'd meet our end either way.

 

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

I have never once stopped to think about how my future would play out. I can only imagine despair and my crash into death. I've always been a spectator of life. I've never once attempted to communicate with others or form bonds, nor have I ever attempted to become more involved in my own hobbies. I have never cared about my grades, my health, or anything.

I simply accept everything that happens to me as I watch everybody I've ever known step forward into a world that I know I'll never be apart of, yet never make an effort to become apart of. I watch people become happy, knowing that their world is flourishing while mine falls apart, knowing that they'll forget me, knowing that in the future nobody will care about me because I've never opened up enough for them to care. I couldn't care less about my grades, not seeing myself able to live long enough to merge into that world.

All I ever wanted was to sleep forever, until the day I'd no longer be remembered. The future is something I'd convinced myself I'd longed for despite the fact that I never once reached out for it even when it reached out for me. The future is nonexistent to me, and I don't want to have to live long enough to see my thoughts about it keep coming true.

Besides, there's no use in imagining a future when death is imminent. Even if we were all to live a happy life, we'd meet our end either way.

Oh god I swear you are literally me. You're pretty articulate and put my feelings into words

 

[hevlalab]

I used to but not anymore. Mistakes happen, some you can't fix.