Venting Calm Despair

[Lookoutbelow]

I am a very openly anxious person. Since I have decided to CTB I have been in a state of calm despair. Calm on the outside. Full of despair on the inside. A feeling of "fuck it", I know how this movie is going to end. I have a good plan. I have made peace with it. I am ready. Things don't outwardly bother me anymore. I don't react to much of anything. This is a first in my life as I used to instantaneously react to every little thing. This is how I know I have made the correct decision to CTB. Well, today something happened and it set me off. Why? If I am committed to CTB, why would it bother me? Now I am questioning whether or not I am ready. Was this just a hiccup. I do not want to CTB out of anger. I want to CTB in a state of calm. I feel like I have lost that calm, but I still want to CTB. Help me regain my peaceful determination. Your words are southing to my being. I am comforted by this community. Thank you for reading my rant.

 

[bluebus]

Hey hey! Don't get too worked up. The more you stress out, the less calm you'll be. Take a deep breath.
Don't worry about not being ready, you don't have to force yourself to feel a certain way. Just being aware of your emotions and thoughts is enough. I understand what you're going through. On the outside I seem "fine" but on the inside I am feeling so much. "fuck it", I know how this movie is going to end." this thought crosses my mind everyday-- you nailed it. I'd give it some time, see if this feeling of anger passes. Try to do things that are familiar and comforting, that might help you get back into this state of calm. And I agree with you totally, I don't want to be stressed or upset when I ctb-- I want to be ready. That is completely understandable. Just roll with your emotions and see where they take you. Anger is a difficult feeling to hold onto for an extended amount of time. It differs for everyone, but intense emotions such as this one usually subside. Try to hang in there!
What you're going through is tough, and I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. You don't deserve any of it. I hope that these feelings pass and you can feel a bit better soon.
Wishing you all the best, bb

 

[Lookoutbelow]

Hey hey! Don't get too worked up. The more you stress out, the less calm you'll be. Take a deep breath.
Don't worry about not being ready, you don't have to force yourself to feel a certain way. Just being aware of your emotions and thoughts is enough. I understand what you're going through. On the outside I seem "fine" but on the inside I am feeling so much. "fuck it", I know how this movie is going to end." this thought crosses my mind everyday-- you nailed it. I'd give it some time, see if this feeling of anger passes. Try to do things that are familiar and comforting, that might help you get back into this state of calm. And I agree with you totally, I don't want to be stressed or upset when I ctb-- I want to be ready. That is completely understandable. Just roll with your emotions and see where they take you. Anger is a difficult feeling to hold onto for an extended amount of time. It differs for everyone, but intense emotions such as this one usually subside. Try to hang in there!
What you're going through is tough, and I'm sorry that you're in so much pain. You don't deserve any of it. I hope that these feelings pass and you can feel a bit better soon.
Wishing you all the best, bb

Thank you. This community is the best.

 

[grace.michaels.2]

If I am committed to CTB, why would it bother me? Now I am questioning whether or not I am ready. Was this just a hiccup. I do not want to CTB out of anger. I want to CTB in a state of calm. I feel like I have lost that calm, but I still want to CTB. Help me regain my peaceful determination. Your words are southing to my being. I am comforted by this community.

I feel so much like this too. In my case, I blame it on my SI, or my fcked up nature. I felt so peaceful when first thinking of my CTB, genuinely happy. I generally feel so insignificant, and insignificant creatures disappear all the time. Why would my CTB matter all that much? Then my perspective changes like wtf is this enormous thought? Then I think of all the pain I'll leave behind and feel guilty. Then I think of how a despicable human being I am because I might run to the CTB thought out of laziness and cowardice of facing my real problems. Then I think about a divine force punishing me.

So in my case I don't think I'll ever be fully at peace with this resolution. I would love to hear as much of other's experience as well, how do you calm yourselves, how do you return to peace. Because peace is the only thing I'm truly searching for.

Thank you! take care of yourself, sending out my warmest thoughts

 

[SpiritualDeath]

I feel you! I used to be very prone to anxiety as well and little things that could go even just slightly wrong (such as the inconvenience caused by last-minute changes of schedule) tended to set me off. After accepting suicide as an option I started feeling much calmer (giving less of a fuck) than before. I would suggest trying not to stress yourself too much over ctb. If you don't feel like it at the moment you don't have to force yourself to go through it. It's there whenever you're ready. Also it's a good thing that no matter if we manage to ctb or not, at last this suffering is guaranteed to come to an end and we'll all find peace. Try to relax. You'll know when you're truly ready.

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I feel you! I used to be very prone to anxiety as well and little things that could go even just slightly wrong (such as the inconvenience caused by last-minute changes of schedule) tended to set me off. After accepting suicide as an option I started feeling much calmer (giving less of a fuck) than before. I would suggest trying not to stress yourself too much over ctb. If you don't feel like it at the moment you don't have to force yourself to go through it. It's there whenever you're ready. Also it's a good thing that no matter if we manage to ctb or not, at last this suffering is guaranteed to come to an end and we'll all find peace. Try to relax. You'll know when you're truly ready.

Thank you. It is the weirdest thing. I am completely calm during chaos, but absolutely distraught at the slightest change of schedule. The mind is odd. I like humor, so on the lighter side of things I hope my CTB schedule doesn't change. I don't need that kind of stress on my way out.