I had my life all planned out but unfortunately my past caught up with me. I thought I was making a fresh start...... leaving people and old ghosts behind ,hundreds of miles away up in the far north of the UK. I managed to get into a similar situation that I had got in years ago in school which I think is 50 percent to blame for my mental illness. I got into this similar situation and in my damaged mind I had two choices, run back to the very place I had run away from because at that point mum was still there or fight this person. physically fight him. I opted to run, and shortly after I ran I started to hear voices which the doctors wrongly it turned out thought was paranoid schizophrenia.
fast forward twenty years and Iam still seeing psychiatrists, the only thing changed has been my diagnosis, they now think I have a mixed personality disorder. The psychologist talks about complex trauma and tells me she is shocked Iam not in a coffin already or in prison {at least she is honest!}. I don't want to 'recover' either. As I said earlier I had it all planned out ,I don't like this society, I don't like the people in it and I don't like myself.
For christmas I have a 'choice' between being alone in my bungalow or spending xmas in supported accomodation with other people society has thrown in the trash. I suppose it could be worse, I could be on the street..... I just can't stop thinking this was not supposed to happen to me, I can't put right stuff from the past I can't go back in time and protect that little boy ,tell him to start throwing punches and keep punching,tell him if he doesn't stand up for himself, if he doesn't leave that poisionous family home then he will end up mentally ill and thrown in the trash, thinking every day about ending it or taking revenge on other people who are also broken just like him, but they didn't need to involve me in their fucked up shit which is why I want to kill every last one of them.
