bathinginmymisery
nothing satisfies me but your soul.
- Nov 9, 2024
- 2
my life this year has taken a turn for the worse and now i don't see a point in continuing my existence.
i am a 19-year-old transgender man from tasmania, australia, whose, as a couple months ago, life and social circles had fallen apart because i trusted a man who claimed to love me. he want to one of the colleges near me (a year younger, cis m 18). we hit things off great, showered and lavished me in everything i wanted to hear and then split up with me a week later. i loved him a lot, and obviously welcomed him back the second he came back into my life. this angered a close friend of mine who advised me against it, but i did it anyway. we stopped talking because i took him back.
him and i didn't last long, he split up with me after a family member's funeral which deepened the blow. i tried reaching out to my aforementioned friend and they ignored me; which i deserve. me losing this relationship with my friend was completely my fault. I got incredibly angry, emotional and trigger-happy last night that i got a close friend of mine to message my ex boyfriend after he posted a story on instagram complaining about being single. i spoke about how he hurt me, and how he didn't care about anything he put me through. how he dumped me a day after my oma's funeral and how he essentially took away a part of me that i'll never get back, physically and mentally. it was immature and petty, but at the time i just wanted him to see my perspective, which he never saw. he told me i was a horrible person and hoped i got better before ending off with a "f*** you."
this was closure, but not the closure i wanted. he told his friend who've been going around tarnishing my name by calling me immature; which i honestly don't care about, i just wanted him to see what he did. he never will, i know that now, i just wish i knew it earlier before i embarrassed myself.
every day for the past month and a half, I've cried myself to sleep just wishing I could have my old friend back or just have my ex show any form of empathy. I am spending my days working twelve-hour shifts and fantasising about things just being okay, but I know once I knock off work, once I get into my room, I stare at my roof, wondering what's the point of my existence and if it's all just suffering, and if I should just ctb by my own accord so that this feeling of loneliness and yearning in my stomach can finally end.
when i was younger, the only thing that kept me from ceasing to breathe was my fear of what came after life, but i can say with confidence that this whole situation has diminished that fear. now it seems comforting and as if it's the answer.
i have a handful of good friends who've tried their best to keep my head above the water, and my mum, dad and brother who i know i'll devastate. but i hope they can see that if this is something i choose to do, they can forgive me for choosing this as my only way out.
i want to at least connect with the little community here before i go before i build a plan. the only part of the plan i know is that i want to write a letter to my family and friends explaining way and apologising. i think i want to address my ex too, even though i know he won't be receptive of it, and especially the friend i lost just apologising and wishing them the best.
love has never been for me.
i am a 19-year-old transgender man from tasmania, australia, whose, as a couple months ago, life and social circles had fallen apart because i trusted a man who claimed to love me. he want to one of the colleges near me (a year younger, cis m 18). we hit things off great, showered and lavished me in everything i wanted to hear and then split up with me a week later. i loved him a lot, and obviously welcomed him back the second he came back into my life. this angered a close friend of mine who advised me against it, but i did it anyway. we stopped talking because i took him back.
him and i didn't last long, he split up with me after a family member's funeral which deepened the blow. i tried reaching out to my aforementioned friend and they ignored me; which i deserve. me losing this relationship with my friend was completely my fault. I got incredibly angry, emotional and trigger-happy last night that i got a close friend of mine to message my ex boyfriend after he posted a story on instagram complaining about being single. i spoke about how he hurt me, and how he didn't care about anything he put me through. how he dumped me a day after my oma's funeral and how he essentially took away a part of me that i'll never get back, physically and mentally. it was immature and petty, but at the time i just wanted him to see my perspective, which he never saw. he told me i was a horrible person and hoped i got better before ending off with a "f*** you."
this was closure, but not the closure i wanted. he told his friend who've been going around tarnishing my name by calling me immature; which i honestly don't care about, i just wanted him to see what he did. he never will, i know that now, i just wish i knew it earlier before i embarrassed myself.
every day for the past month and a half, I've cried myself to sleep just wishing I could have my old friend back or just have my ex show any form of empathy. I am spending my days working twelve-hour shifts and fantasising about things just being okay, but I know once I knock off work, once I get into my room, I stare at my roof, wondering what's the point of my existence and if it's all just suffering, and if I should just ctb by my own accord so that this feeling of loneliness and yearning in my stomach can finally end.
when i was younger, the only thing that kept me from ceasing to breathe was my fear of what came after life, but i can say with confidence that this whole situation has diminished that fear. now it seems comforting and as if it's the answer.
i have a handful of good friends who've tried their best to keep my head above the water, and my mum, dad and brother who i know i'll devastate. but i hope they can see that if this is something i choose to do, they can forgive me for choosing this as my only way out.
i want to at least connect with the little community here before i go before i build a plan. the only part of the plan i know is that i want to write a letter to my family and friends explaining way and apologising. i think i want to address my ex too, even though i know he won't be receptive of it, and especially the friend i lost just apologising and wishing them the best.
love has never been for me.
