moondazed
ex nihilo nihil fit
- Oct 14, 2023
- 169
Are these something you have experienced that have hurt you?
For me:
One of my first memories is walking in on my dad cheating on my mom. I told my mom, and she tried to commit suicide, failed, then moved across the country. It pretty much set the tone for the rest of my life. Then I walked in on my first college GF cheating and I kind of gave up on trust at that point.
I've only had two long term relationships since, one 5 years, the other 3, and in both relationships after about a year in I would get very jealous or suspicious of cheating and lying, and of course it eventually ruined them both.
For most of my adult life I was always looking to fall into a romance to try give my life meaning, and I really took it all for granted. I was so messed up from the beginning that I didn't realize I was being the toxic one, getting randomly cold towards a partner because they were 20 minutes late because they had to stay late at work or something. I am not much of a yeller, but I would get sour and snappy and it was not attractive or nice. I am not sure I'll ever be able to trust others. I want to but my brain fires in the direction of "there's a problem, figure it out", where there may be no problem and me figuring it out breaches respect.
Many of my last CTB attempts have been panic attacks induced by trying to convince myself a lover isn't slieghting me; failing, being aware that I'm just paranoid, being aware that I'm broken, being aware that I'm ugly and people only pity me and... and just not being able to calm myself; thinking CTB is the only way to stop it.
When I'm not in a romance, these feelings and thoughts don't get that bad. I still get anxious over plenty of other things, but this is definitely the Problem™. I yearn for love, but I'm not sure I want it.
For me:
One of my first memories is walking in on my dad cheating on my mom. I told my mom, and she tried to commit suicide, failed, then moved across the country. It pretty much set the tone for the rest of my life. Then I walked in on my first college GF cheating and I kind of gave up on trust at that point.
I've only had two long term relationships since, one 5 years, the other 3, and in both relationships after about a year in I would get very jealous or suspicious of cheating and lying, and of course it eventually ruined them both.
For most of my adult life I was always looking to fall into a romance to try give my life meaning, and I really took it all for granted. I was so messed up from the beginning that I didn't realize I was being the toxic one, getting randomly cold towards a partner because they were 20 minutes late because they had to stay late at work or something. I am not much of a yeller, but I would get sour and snappy and it was not attractive or nice. I am not sure I'll ever be able to trust others. I want to but my brain fires in the direction of "there's a problem, figure it out", where there may be no problem and me figuring it out breaches respect.
Many of my last CTB attempts have been panic attacks induced by trying to convince myself a lover isn't slieghting me; failing, being aware that I'm just paranoid, being aware that I'm broken, being aware that I'm ugly and people only pity me and... and just not being able to calm myself; thinking CTB is the only way to stop it.
When I'm not in a romance, these feelings and thoughts don't get that bad. I still get anxious over plenty of other things, but this is definitely the Problem™. I yearn for love, but I'm not sure I want it.
