Help bridges over water

[eggsausagerice]

suicide planned soon. i'm thinking about jumping off the fred hartman bridge (178 ft) or the rainbow bridge (177 ft), both over water. i'll either do it today or my sister will force me to go on a week long vacation with her even though we get into fights all the time. whenever we fight i just feel really bad about myself and want to hurt myself because i know she thinks my feelings are unimportant and simple compared to her's. that's why she yells at me. i've wanted to leave home for a long time, but i know i can't, so it's just been really hard for me. my mom is the same way as my sister and they both think i overreact and don't know how to follow simple instructions. i've never really felt like a grown up even after turning 20 because they always talk down to me and make me feel small.

^rainbow bridge



^fred hartman bridge​

the thing with both bridges is that's no shoulder for me to walk on, so i have to hug the railing. there's reported suicides for both bridges. i might call the uber slightly further away from the bridges. i still have time to wait until my second sn order gets shipped, but most days i just feel liike i'm just trying to avoid getting in another fight with my sister because we can never get along. i've always hoped that she would move out while attending her university, but she never did, so i'm stuck living with her for years and years. i think that it's still possible to walk on the side of one, but i don't know where to set the drop off for the uber.

 

[Karrikin]

Wait I drive by here sometimes...
Anyways, not advisable from how I remember these bridges, you've mentioned some challenges already. I wouldn't do it.

Another thing, srry this is off topic kinda. But, in the meanwhile does that vacation strike you as something bad? other than your sister I mean, usually they are good things. Also, is she dismissive for reasons you know?

 

[eggsausagerice]

Another thing, srry this is off topic kinda. But, in the meanwhile does that vacation strike you as something bad?

it'd be nice to go out of town after a long time of staying in the house, and i planned on practicing skating. besides my sister it would be fine, but we got in a fight today and i'm worried about her hating me for most of the trip because of it. i told her that i might just want to stay at home instead if she's angry at me, but she said that i should go because my mom already paid for the second bed. she said she doesn't want to invite one of her friends because they'd be busy, but i think i'm just bad company to her.

Wait I drive by here sometimes...
Anyways, not advisable from how I remember these bridges, you've mentioned some challenges already. I wouldn't do it.

another texan (living in the pits of hell). i've mostly seen fred hartman as an option for suicide after going on a road trip to louisana and seeing how big it is. it'd definitely be harder to jump when there isn't an accessible walking point for me to go on anyways.

Also, is she dismissive for reasons you know?

she just thinks i'm legitimately dumber than her. not in a mean way, but in a "i'm smarter and you're stupider" way. like it's a fact. it's been like this since we were kids and it makes me suicidal sometimes. we fought because i lost my dad's credit card, but i never remembered taking it from him in the first place because i was writing a sasu post in the car the whole time without reaching to grab the card from my dad at any point. but she checked my bag over and over and told me to check my pockets, when i never had anything in my pockets to begin with. i told her i'd take my pants off if she's so sure that i have the credit card, since i didn't. as a kid, i failed math repeatedly and lost my glasses often, so my mom would yell at me. she's always believed that i'm not smart and can't follow instructions when i just need her to be more clear with me instead of expecting me to understand exactly what she means. she's told other people she thinks i'm dumb and she probably complains to other people that i'm a burden because of how dumb i am. she pretends she doesn't think or say that when i bring it up to her, but i know she does it because i've seen her text people about it.

she kind of has an ego complex and doesn't want me to say what i'm thinking or how i feel when she's being mean to me, even though she's made me cry mutiple times. and then she switches up and says what she did wasn't that mean, and that i'm getting too upset about it. because she's in university and has a bigger friend group/more responsibilites than me, she's just always thought that she was better. she doesn't really know what i'm going through and assumes my life is just me lazing around and being stupid. i used to like her a lot more, but it just feels like she sees me being around her as a geniune inconvenience because i mess things up and make her stressed out.

 

[aufrechtm7]

i told her that i might just want to stay at home instead if she's angry at me, but she said that i should go because my mom already paid for the second bed. she said she doesn't want to invite one of her friends because they'd be busy, but i think i'm just bad company to her.

Maybe I'm coping, but this seems like an attempt from her to try to resolve or de-escalate things without admitting how hurtful she was to you. You know your sister a lot better than me obviously, but that's what I took from that part. Maybe she really does want you to go, just in a weird way.

 

[eggsausagerice]

Maybe she really does want you to go, just in a weird way.

she still likes me (kind of), but it's pretty obvious that she gets mad at me all the time. we're both bad at talking about our feelings because of how our parents raised us. whenever she's mad at me she blows up and acts like it's fine later. we usually give each other stuff as a truce, so she might buy me something from the mall to apologize because she knows i'm upset. i'm just tired of fighting and then never making up because we're both bad at apologizing, since both of us think we're right. i'm prone to meltdowns when she gets mad at me (crying, hitting myself, saying she thinks i'm stupid and bad at everything), which just makes her think i'm being childish. i get into this situation with her a lot. whenever i talk about it i feel like my sister might be the one in the right, even though she shouldn't yell at me when she's frustrated at me.

 

[Karrikin]

another texan (living in the pits of hell).

Hell probably wouldn't have this many potholes, or Metro.

it'd be nice to go out of town after a long time of staying in the house, and i planned on practicing skating. besides my sister it would be fine, but we got in a fight today and i'm worried about her hating me for most of the trip because of it. i told her that i might just want to stay at home instead if she's angry at me, but she said that i should go because my mom already paid for the second bed. she said she doesn't want to invite one of her friends because they'd be busy, but i think i'm just bad company to her.

she just thinks i'm legitimately dumber than her. not in a mean way, but in a "i'm smarter and you're stupider" way. like it's a fact. it's been like this since we were kids and it makes me suicidal sometimes. we fought because i lost my dad's credit card, but i never remembered taking it from him in the first place because i was writing a sasu post in the car the whole time without reaching to grab the card from my dad at any point. but she checked my bag over and over and told me to check my pockets, when i never had anything in my pockets to begin with. as a kid, i failed math repeatedly and lost my glasses often, so my mom would yell at me. she's always believed that i'm not smart and can't follow instructions when i just need her to be more clear with me instead of expecting me to understand exactly what she means. she's told other people she thinks i'm dumb and she probably complains to other people that i'm a burden because of how dumb i am. she pretends she doesn't think or say that when i bring it up to her, but i know she does it because i've seen her text people about it.

she kind of has an ego complex and doesn't want me to say what i'm thinking or how i feel when she's being mean to me, even though she's made me cry mutiple times. and then she switches up and says what she did wasn't that mean, and that i'm getting too upset about it. because she's in university and has a bigger friend group/more responsibilites than me, she's just always thought that she was better. she doesn't really know what i'm going through and assumes my life is just me lazing around and being stupid. i used to like her a lot more, but it just feels like she sees me being around her as a genuine inconvenience because i mess things up and make her stressed out.

Go. Practice your skating and don't worry about anything else for that moment. Regarding your sister though, maybe it's a complexity with how she handles things. My brother sometimes has these moments where I do something incredibly stupid and I'm always reminded of my own shortcomings. It doesn't reduce who I am, what I can do, but it's just his way of showing where they think I should be better -- even if I disagree, I'm free to call them wrong. It's something which doesn't blend well with someone whose struggling with something as heavy as suicidal ideations since it only reinforces those ideas I guess. You do mention she sometimes does things for you which leads me to believe it's not complete hatred, just a dysfunctional relationship. I would find it regrettable that something that from my understanding can be fixed was left as it was. I do not mean to reduce your struggles of course, just that it's two siblings who should be there for each other with a gulf between them -- one which I'd maybe see if it can be closed before doing anything, not asking for you to completely fix this relation with her overnight but encouraging you to take that first step y'know, it might be hard since they will be difficult conversations but they will be relieving. She's also dismissive of what she's done from that last paragraph, I'm no psychologist but would she not want to admit to herself she's truly hurting you? Maybe downplaying the effect of her words? I personally haven't worked through something so heavy but like I said, it would be a shame to leave it unresolved. With all of that considered, her labels are something which I don't think you should take to heart. being called dumb when you're obviously going through something so draining and miserable isn't something which is accurate in the slightest. Your mind is skewed and laser-focused on the negatives and focus will be all over the place. Therefore, that is what they see, that someone who is broken and in lack of understanding a person they label with things as "dumb", "draining", etc.

Anyways, I'm not sure what to call you so egg rice I guess take that trip and do what it is you want to do. Your sister has her own complexities which I won't comment on too much since I obviously do not know her, I have not known you for very long but avoid relegating yourself to these ideas. I'm truly sorry that it's gotten to the point where you considered something so drastic. I wish you the best, and if you need/want to just PM me.

 

[eggsausagerice]

reconciled with my sister because i went on an errand at walmart. she would be more annoyed at me if i didn't go on the errand lol. i was still irritated at her earlier because she was talking down to me and assuming i didn't check my pockets when i checked my pockets 5 times. i think my dad just had the credit card in his wallet and assumed my sister was right. if i talk about how i feel she'll just say i should get over it, so i have to keep it to myself. i just need to be glad she isn't getting on me anymore.