Venting Breakup

[fromange]

Normies in the breakup recovery, self-help genre say, "remember that you had a life before them." Well, I didn't. I didn't have close friends, because I ruin most relationships, just like this one. I've been suicidal, chronically online, a bit of an incel, loser.

She came into my life and was the first person in my life that accepted me for who I was. I thought she understood me, but it was just "tolerating." I get comfortable and lazy and fuck up enough times to lower attraction and she's out. I feel so guilty, and I just want to go back in time. I'm sorry I wasn't better. I hate thinking about anything. I just wanna turn my brain off. I hate myself for being such a loser, for hurting her, and I wanna kill myself partly to prove I cared and make her care. And I hate myself for thinking such selfish things and being a cheat that's always easy on myself to just get depressed and suicidal as if that makes me a better person out of pity. I don't wanna die I think some things in this world are worth staying for. But I'm always like this and long term if I'm going to suffer from maladaptiveness and chemical imbalances even with meds, wtf is the point. I don't want to try. I don't want to work hard. But I'm way more afraid of dying, as of now. I wish she would talk to me again but after 3 months it's hitting me that she really doesn't care one bit. I've been lying to myself by saying she'll come back with time. If I had nembutal I would make a plan but I'm too scared for hanging. I can't even clean my room and organize goodbye letters first. How is an adhd fuck like me supposed to ctb. I wanna cry.

 

[yourlucy]

I have been just the exact same as you me and my boyfriend have broken up just recently after 2 years and a half, , he's been so cruel to me aswell he has broken up with me every 3 days i think, saying the most cruel things, even on my birthday my bday gift was him breaking up and destroying me, and i just believe he wanted me to hate him just to push me away so he could kill himself, he has blocked me on everything, i tried calling him 101 times but he has silenced my no called id calls too, he's done with me officially, but if your girlfriend hasnt blocked you there's a chance still, she might still be waiting for you, if you can contact her in any way please do there might still be fine, she might not want to contact first out of revenge or some kind of self sabotage, so try to email, call, log into her accounts, anything that gets you to talk to her, even like calling her parents, i know how it feels you just cant stop crying, its okay to not let go of the person you first loved and gave your all to, but you might also find someone who would still love you just as much you know. I also wish to go back in time and feel loved as much and have someone obsess over me again.

 

[fromange]

I have been just the exact same as you me and my boyfriend have broken up just recently after 2 years and a half, , he's been so cruel to me aswell he has broken up with me every 3 days i think, saying the most cruel things, even on my birthday my bday gift was him breaking up and destroying me, and i just believe he wanted me to hate him just to push me away so he could kill himself, he has blocked me on everything, i tried calling him 101 times but he has silenced my no called id calls too, he's done with me officially, but if your girlfriend hasnt blocked you there's a chance still, she might still be waiting for you, if you can contact her in any way please do there might still be fine, she might not want to contact first out of revenge or some kind of self sabotage, so try to email, call, log into her accounts, anything that gets you to talk to her, even like calling her parents, i know how it feels you just cant stop crying, its okay to not let go of the person you first loved and gave your all to, but you might also find someone who would still love you just as much you know. I also wish to go back in time and feel loved as much and have someone obsess over me again.

On your birthday is brutal . You didn't deserve that. You're right there might be a chance. I have 0 bits of info on her since, so I really just don't know, probably for the better because she might be living her best life... But I did make it clear in our last interaction that I did want to talk and I'm just stopping since she asked for space. I deleted her number (not blocked) and blocked her first on other platforms. I could find her number somewhere probably if I tried but idk. I'm going by "don't let her reject you twice" also creates a power imbalance if I "chase" her and if she responds positively when I reach out, it just means she would have on her own anyways if I gave more time, supposedly. So yeah, checkmated here as well.

 

[Owlers]

Hey, I strongly disagree with the person above. Do not harass her. Do not berate and beg for her to come back. Do not log into her accounts. Do not call her parents. You will push her away further. So much further. That's terrifying. I would be horrified if my ex did any of that stuff when I wanted space from him. If she loves you, she will come back. If she doesn't, that is entirely her choice and that should be respected. If you love her, you won't let yourself become something she fears or dreads. You'd be better off not in her life at all than becoming someone she has to block or file a restraining order against.

The best way you get someone back in a situation like that is by proving you have changed and grown as a person. Become someone she would want to come back to. Use it as motivation to better yourself. So much easier said than done, I know. I speak from experience on this one, though. You are not a lost cause. You are not a fuck up or mistake. You are a work in progress.

 

[fromange]

Hey, I strongly disagree with the person above. Do not harass her. Do not berate and beg for her to come back. Do not log into her accounts. Do not call her parents. You will push her away further. So much further. That's terrifying. I would be horrified if my ex did any of that stuff when I wanted space from him. If she loves you, she will come back. If she doesn't, that is entirely her choice and that should be respected. If you love her, you won't let yourself become something she fears or dreads. You'd be better off not in her life at all than becoming someone she has to block or file a restraining order against.

The best way you get someone back in a situation like that is by proving you have changed and grown as a person. Become someone she would want to come back to. Use it as motivation to better yourself. So much easier said than done, I know. I speak from experience on this one, though. You are not a lost cause. You are not a fuck up or mistake. You are a work in progress.

Thank you for your kindness

 

[yourlucy]

On your birthday is brutal . You didn't deserve that. You're right there might be a chance. I have 0 bits of info on her since, so I really just don't know, probably for the better because she might be living her best life... But I did make it clear in our last interaction that I did want to talk and I'm just stopping since she asked for space. I deleted her number (not blocked) and blocked her first on other platforms. I could find her number somewhere probably if I tried but idk

i also blocked my boyfriend everywhere out of momentary rage at the argument we have had he blocked me first on 1 app, but i did everything else and right after i regretted it so badly. Do you not even want to try once to see how it goes if you want her that badly? Wanting to die for someone to prove your love is the most romantic thing in my eyes. But of course if you've made up your mind that you can get better without her then dont call her. I wish you the best

 

[Seneca65AD]

Unfortunately there isn't anything anyone can say that will ease the pain. I've been where you are - of course it was before social media and almost before the internet - but I still remember where I was when I found out...down to the exact time. This resulted in one of my CTB attempts that involved a hotel room, sleeping pills and beer. I don't recall anything for 4 days but just vague snippets of being on a mattress in a hospital. The pain was temporarily replaced by massive and total embarrassment - but the pain came back and lasted for about a year. I recall every day for that year thinking about CTB. What made the situation worse is it was not a clean break because we were married, so assets had to be divided but thankfully there were no kids.

But....and here is what is interesting....I am glad I did not CTB due to the break-up. I have plenty of other reasons in my head to justify CTB but there is part of me that is glad I failed on that attempt. So, all I can offer is a virtual hug and say you are not going to believe me now when I say, there will be a time when you can live without the person. You are not going to see it now but it will happen - and you won't even notice when it does - it happens when you see movie and think about how good or bad it is, and yes.....the pain will come flooding back, but the pain does gradually subside. ...... give yourself a break - messy rooms are always going to be there; take as much time as you need to heal and be kind to yourself. Even though I do not know you, I am pulling for you with all my heart.

 

[gomer1978]

100% the same in that the first person was everything to me and still is. Nobody before nobody after. And never will be. But absolutely zero to be gained from ctb "to prove a point" to her. Nothing.

 

[fromange]

i also blocked my boyfriend everywhere out of momentary rage at the argument we have had he blocked me first on 1 app, but i did everything else and right after i regretted it so badly. Do you not even want to try once to see how it goes if you want her that badly? Wanting to die for someone to prove your love is the most romantic thing in my eyes. But of course if you've made up your mind that you can get better without her then dont call her. I wish you the best

Maybe when I have everything set and ready to go, I'll try calling. But at that point it doesn't really matter if she picks up or what she says. And I wouldn't tell her I'm going. I can't do that.

Honestly, I don't think it would be all that good even if she calls right now and says all the right things and even get back together. Just for her to leave again in x time. Very few relationships last til marriage and til one dies on the other. Even then someone dies. Happy couples should just ctb together then and there because it doesn't get any better from there. And I don't think I'm cut out for this long term human relationship stuff, let alone romantic ones. I'm too dysfunctional and incompetent. Maybe that's fixable but not having the desire to is included in the dysfunction. Yeah I'm spoiled. I don't like failures rejections. Unfruitful efforts. Sue me, you know. (I don't mean to be yelling at you, just ranting again)

 

[yourlucy]

Maybe when I have everything set and ready to go, I'll try calling. But at that point it doesn't really matter if she picks up or what she says. And I wouldn't tell her I'm going. I can't do that.

Honestly, I don't think it would be all that good even if she calls right now and says all the right things and even get back together. Just for her to leave again in x time. Very few relationships last til marriage and til one dies on the other. Even then someone dies. Happy couples should just ctb together then and there because it doesn't get any better from there. And I don't think I'm cut out for this long term human relationship stuff, let alone romantic ones. I'm too dysfunctional and incompetent. Maybe that's fixable but not having the desire to is included in the dysfunction. Yeah I'm spoiled. I don't like failures rejections. Unfruitful efforts. Sue me, you know. (I don't mean to be yelling at you, just ranting again)

are you mad at her for leaving you? (or disappointed or feel guilty)

 

[fromange]

are you mad at her for leaving you? (or disappointed or feel guilty)

I guess all of the above. I just feel numb and grossed out at myself recently.
They say suicide doesn't happen at rock bottom of depression and I think that's where I'm at right now. I've had the motivation to write letters and sort out belongings before.

 

[yourlucy]

I guess all of the above. I just feel numb and grossed out at myself recently.
They say suicide doesn't happen at rock bottom of depression and I think that's where I'm at right now. I've had the motivation to write letters and sort out belongings before.

how come you're grossed out at yourself? is it something physical :( if you dont mind me asking

 

[fromange]

how come you're grossed out at yourself? is it something physical :( if you dont mind me asking

No, but yeah I don't wanna talk more here. PM me if you wanna talk more.

 

[yourlucy]

No, but yeah I don't wanna talk more here. PM me if you wanna talk more.

i gotta wait 1 day

 

[fromange]

i gotta wait 1 day

Oh yeah we're too new. Lol

 

[TheCallOfTheStars]

Maybe when I have everything set and ready to go, I'll try calling. But at that point it doesn't really matter if she picks up or what she says. And I wouldn't tell her I'm going. I can't do that.

Honestly, I don't think it would be all that good even if she calls right now and says all the right things and even get back together. Just for her to leave again in x time. Very few relationships last til marriage and til one dies on the other. Even then someone dies. Happy couples should just ctb together then and there because it doesn't get any better from there. And I don't think I'm cut out for this long term human relationship stuff, let alone romantic ones. I'm too dysfunctional and incompetent. Maybe that's fixable but not having the desire to is included in the dysfunction. Yeah I'm spoiled. I don't like failures rejections. Unfruitful efforts. Sue me, you know. (I don't mean to be yelling at you, just ranting again)

Honestly this makes me wonder because I'm in a similar situation as you. If my ex does come back I feel like there are gonna be two outcomes: either she leaves me again and I end up ctb or I ctb in the middle of our relationship so I can escape any future pain.
Either way, I feel like all outcomes are gonna eventually lead to the same thing.

 

[fromange]

Honestly this makes me wonder because I'm in a similar situation as you. If my ex does come back I feel like there are gonna be two outcomes: either she leaves me again and I end up ctb or I ctb in the middle of our relationship so I can escape any future pain.
Either way, I feel like all outcomes are gonna eventually lead to the same thing.

Real. Sending virtual hugs.

It's really just me that's the problem. Of course she has her issues but all this breakup had done for me was expose my issues I've buried for years to myself.

 

[TheCallOfTheStars]

Real. Sending virtual hugs.

It's really just me that's the problem. Of course she has her issues but all this breakup had done for me was expose my issues I've buried for years to myself.

Reading your post kinda opened my eyes as to why I wanted to ctb with her so long ago. We both had our issues and I wanted to put an end to mine but I didn't want her to suffer after I was gone and wind up with even more issues. Of course we eventually backed out for each others sake but now I realize I'm gonna be in for a cycle of disappointment if we ever get back together. But eh, even if I ctb without her it wouldn't really matter in the end.

 

[fromange]

Reading your post kinda opened my eyes as to why I wanted to ctb with her so long ago. We both had our issues and I wanted to put an end to mine but I didn't want her to suffer after I was gone and wind up with even more issues. Of course we eventually backed out for each others sake but now I realize I'm gonna be in for a cycle of disappointment if we ever get back together. But eh, even if I ctb without her it wouldn't really matter in the end.

Yeah, it's fucked up. Attachment is so cruel. To your parents, to partners, to friends. They all betray you and disappoint you at some point. You'd be called a downer for saying this to non depressed people but it's the eternal truth that everything ends; there are no forevers. There's only yourself and God for some.

But yeah if you don't believe in an afterlife or anything, you have nothing to do with what happens after. You only feel guilty til you do it. So honestly I don't know if I need to clean my room. I just feel like I'm forgetting something because I always am, but again if I do forget something, wouldn't effect me by that point LMAO.