bpd sucks and i hate it

[illbeinthegarage]

bpd fucking sucks and i hate it so goddamn much and i finally made a nice group of friends and im fucking it up because i get so jealous and attached and angry. i found this post the other day though and for me personally, its the most accurate description of my bpd experience i have ever found. i thought id share it, because i know how lost and misunderstood we can feel. for those that dont have it, you can still read it to help understand. for those that do, i hope it benefits you somehow.

 

[Toobrokentofix]

Can relate.was diagnosed 21 years ago and was so upset by the diagnosis I got great at turning all the pain inwards for fear of how it would rage on letting it out. Too much intensity of emotions and also too much emptiness. Loneliness and feeling needy and then shame at showing it. Fear when you message someone. Anxiety waiting for a reply and horrible brain telling you they don't care, they're sick of you, you are too much. The pain is too much. The fear that rises up like vomit and gets trapped in your throat. Can't be honest. Can't lie. Stuck and afraid and really, really lonely. Trying to change. Trying to heal. Waaaaay too broken to fix.
I'm sorry you feel so shitty. You are not alone.

 

[Deleted member 14573]

Thank you for sharing this. It helps me understand a bit what it's like to have BPD. I can only imagine how hard it is for you :(

 

[Blue LIPS]

Yeah it sucks ass. I just isolate as much as I can because it's like an addiction to need to figure out what people are thinking, doing, saying, following me, if I know some stranger or if he knows what I know etc. I also have issues of my reality being warped to me at times that aren't good. I've kinda gotten used to it? Or my meds are working pretty good lol cuz I'm that guy if you ride my ass while driving, I'm probably gonna get out at the next red light lol. Luckily my fiancé knows what's going on and before being with me saw how bad off I was and helped me, I see a lot of good in her and it makes it a little harder to be an asshole pretty much as I just label it now since people are stupid and most people nowadays go on WebMD to make a diagnosis. Horrible run on sentence, I just want to sleep at the moment!

But yeah the mood shifts are like your body being on fire with raw emotions, just kinda frantically "putting it out" usually by being how I always am... annoying as fuck

 

[puppy9]

im fucking it up because i get so jealous

This is my biggest problem with BPD (me). Help anyone; How to overcome this or at least put it on a leash?

 

[illbeinthegarage]

This is my biggest problem with BPD (me). Help anyone; How to overcome this or at least put it on a leash?

you ever find out let me know :)

 

[Fear191829218]

Word.

 

[sadstuffie]

Me having bpd has ruined all my friendships, my perfect relationship, & my life.
& as much as I want to get better & go back home & have friends again, I deeply dont want to ever see any of them again which I know is the bpd, but it sucks to feel like that. To want to isolate yourself even though isolation is the very thing that makes everything worse. I hate being alone.

 

[torimandy]

Whoa hon. I have a borderline diag too. Just stop as the only true borderline is a perwson who threatens to take their life to get attention. If you have ever attempted in america you are going to have a borderline diag, as the psyche community can't accept there is ever a reason to end your life. I scared my psyche team as when I attempted I walked into it sober with my eyes open and didn't tell a person. There is no reason I should be alive, and I hate every moment I am alive. Doctors can't explain why I survived at least three serious attempts. I gave up years ago and basically live on the fringes of society like a ghost.

Do not let a phony diagnosis define you. You are not a borderline. You are a person.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Good post, it kinda is hard to understand BPD and this definitely helps. From what I hear people with BPD definitely find it difficult when other people don't understand these behaviors and get sick of them. It's clear that you're a good person really, even if mental illness warps your actions and thoughts at times.

 

[Tigeress Lost]

Me having bpd has ruined all my friendships, my perfect relationship, & my life.
& as much as I want to get better & go back home & have friends again, I deeply dont want to ever see any of them again which I know is the bpd, but it sucks to feel like that. To want to isolate yourself even though isolation is the very thing that makes everything worse. I hate being alone.

Hi Friend

Thank You This Is Me I Have bpd & no one understands me I have lost everyone because of it
I can't take it anymore reason I want to ctb taking SN I have took 20+ overdoses and self harmed to stop the pain but only when I'm fast asleep I feel peace
My life is a nightmare

Hugs & Peace

bpd fucking sucks and i hate it so goddamn much and i finally made a nice group of friends and im fucking it up because i get so jealous and attached and angry. i found this post the other day though and for me personally, its the most accurate description of my bpd experience i have ever found. i thought id share it, because i know how lost and misunderstood we can feel. for those that dont have it, you can still read it to help understand. for those that do, i hope it benefits you somehow.
View attachment 41494View attachment 41495

Hi Friend

Thank You So Much For This This Is Me Sadly I Have bpd I know & truly understand how you feel I feel your pain :(

I am here for you
Hugs & Peace

 

[Blue LIPS]

Lamictal has helped me quite a bit with my mood swings if you haven't had any experience with it. Escitalopram has also helped quite a bit with my overall mood or outlook. I used to peek out of my blinds paranoid as hell basically creating stories of what my neighbors were up to or thinking and couldn't sleep for fear of anyone coming at me when vulnerable. I also take a few others but those are the main ones I believe that have overall "helped".

 

[Tigeress Lost]

Lamictal has helped me quite a bit with my mood swings if you haven't had any experience with it. Escitalopram has also helped quite a bit with my overall mood or outlook. I used to peek out of my blinds paranoid as hell basically creating stories of what my neighbors were up to or thinking and couldn't sleep for fear of anyone coming at me when vulnerable. I also take a few others but those are the main ones I believe that have overall "helped".

Hi Friend
Geez oh boy is there a medication I've not tried yet I've tried everything single one and sadly not helpful I'm on 3 right now plus 2 more for anxiety 1 for sleep too so 6 different medications hence the main reason I want to ctb I've had enough I'm glad friend your medication is helping you

I totally understand how you feel bpd is one of the worst things ever to live with

Hugs & Peace

 

[Blue LIPS]

Hi Friend
Geez oh boy is there a medication I've not tried yet I've tried everything single one and sadly not helpful I'm on 3 right now plus 2 more for anxiety 1 for sleep too so 6 different medications hence the main reason I want to ctb I've had enough I'm glad friend your medication is helping you

I totally understand how you feel bpd is one of the worst things ever to live with

Hugs & Peace

Lol same here with the medley of medications, honestly Haldol I still "love?" Idk it just calmed me down pretty well and put me at a "flatline" mentally. I first experienced it having an "episode" in the ER, felt bad my fiancée had to see that. Overall it's a terrible drug but I hate that I like it lol.

But I know the multiple meds routine well, it just is what it is or suffer even more pretty much. I deal with the sides for others but I honestly hate being "masked" when my body/brain tries to sabotage me by telling me to "stop it and let the real you shine" so to speak.... but my fiancée makes sure I take them, like a kid lol.

It is terrible, my father had it most likely (undiagnosed) but he went years of the "suicidal cries" that most ignored and then ultimately CTB'd. I burn alive with emotions everyday, just more flame retardant these days :) lol.

Hugs and Peace back at you

 

[Tigeress Lost]

Lol same here with the medley of medications, honestly Haldol I still "love?" Idk it just calmed me down pretty well and put me at a "flatline" mentally. I first experienced it having an "episode" in the ER, felt bad my fiancée had to see that. Overall it's a terrible drug but I hate that I like it lol.

But I know the multiple meds routine well, it just is what it is or suffer even more pretty much. I deal with the sides for others but I honestly hate being "masked" when my body/brain tries to sabotage me by telling me to "stop it and let the real you shine" so to speak.... but my fiancée makes sure I take them, like a kid lol.

It is terrible, my father had it most likely (undiagnosed) but he went years of the "suicidal cries" that most ignored and then ultimately CTB'd. I burn alive with emotions everyday, just more flame retardant these days :) lol.

Hugs and Peace back at you

Hi Friend

Yup I've had halo made me a zombie and my mouth was twitching But tell you what it calmed me down and I was just spaced out not here at all that was in ER too my ex saw it all
Well I overdosed 20+ times on my prescription medication that my stomach lining has severe inflammation even thou I've ordered SN

you have someone special who cares reason makes you take your meds I have no one but I take mine so I don't feel more uncomfortable than I already am till the end
They say I have bipolar disorder too but every time I took an overdose or had a relapse they blame the bpd
Even those docs confuse me ???
Peace & Hugs Loads

 

[Blue LIPS]

Hi Friend

Yup I've had halo made me a zombie and my mouth was twitching But tell you what it calmed me down and I was just spaced out not here at all that was in ER too my ex saw it all
Well I overdosed 20+ times on my prescription medication that my stomach lining has severe inflammation even thou I've ordered SN

you have someone special who cares reason makes you take your meds I have no one but I take mine so I don't feel more uncomfortable than I already am till the end
They say I have bipolar disorder too but every time I took an overdose or had a relapse they blame the bpd
Even those docs confuse me ???
Peace & Hugs Loads

I appreciate the kind words, I really do. I apparently undermine my overall "worth" and say I'm a bad person.

I have noticed though most of us here have GI problems (mainly stomach) including myself, Pantoprazole has been better than Omeprazole though. Idk if you take anything for it specifically?

You seem like a great person, so if being lonely is a reason to CTB, just be yourself and venture into that "uncomfortable" zone and put yourself out there. If it fails, well to be frank, you already had your "plans in place".

I think some docs blame an existing diagnosis to hope you'll just say "yeah that must be it" and hope you don't look further into it, when it could just simply be a bad day/night that pushed you over the edge.

It'll confuse you overall and question your life, at least for me.. it just makes things worse when a doc doesn't "shoot it straight" for me.

Enjoy your night/day, hopefully getting some sleep now lol... doubt it.

 

[Tigeress Lost]

I appreciate the kind words, I really do. I apparently undermine my overall "worth" and say I'm a bad person.

I have noticed though most of us here have GI problems (mainly stomach) including myself, Pantoprazole has been better than Omeprazole though. Idk if you take anything for it specifically?

You seem like a great person, so if being lonely is a reason to CTB, just be yourself and venture into that "uncomfortable" zone and put yourself out there. If it fails, well to be frank, you already had your "plans in place".

I think some docs blame an existing diagnosis to hope you'll just say "yeah that must be it" and hope you don't look further into it, when it could just simply be a bad day/night that pushed you over the edge.

It'll confuse you overall and question your life, at least for me.. it just makes things worse when a doc doesn't "shoot it straight" for me.

Enjoy your night/day, hopefully getting some sleep now lol... doubt it.

Dear Friend

Awwww you are so kind and sweet and a beautiful soul
yes I take medication for my stomach Cimetidine twice a day and Esomeprazole 40mg once a day cause I have severe gastritis now I was bringing up too much stomach acids because of my overdoses
Sorry for the confusion I'm in the uk so sleep I've had thanks to Zolpidem sleeping pills otherwise I can't sleep

I'm not ctb because of being alone but because of so many things that have happened to me in my life that still hurt me everyday I can't get the pain out of my head and I've tried everything to recover from this but I'm still not recovered

I Chose SN because this might work so I have ordered it I sadly have no reasons apart from my mum to live

I have tried but now I just want peace when I hear someone has ctb I feel oh why not me I read a story about a girl she was only 31 and had cancer but she wanted to live she didn't want to die and her chemo got stopped during lockdown in the uk & sadly in June this year she died

I had tears in my eyes I just sat there and thought you wanted to live I want to ctb but you are gone & I'm still here

Lots Of Hugs & Peace To You xxxxx