Venting BPD & relationships

[asphyxiangel]

does anyone else have bpd and find it really REALLY amplifies your feeling of wanting to ctb after or during an argument? i don't want to be manipulative. but my feelings about it are already so prevalent on their own and when my partner and i argue i always end up SH because i don't know how to cope with the feelings of wanting to die. after an argument i always just feel like he'd be better off without me in his life to drag him down but then he calls me selfish for thinking that way.

i don't wanna hurt him or leave him behind but i don't wanna be around to be constantly arguing with him especially bc he doesn't understand how intense my thoughts of ctb are. Idk how to make him understand either.

 

[John117]

I've experienced the same thing with my partner or idk if she is still. I tried very hard to let her know that sometimes I can't control the things I say or do because it's just impulse. I hate these feelings. They make me worse and worse each day that passes.

 

[Marzia]

Yes, I have BPD too, but I believe the "manipulator" stereotype is just a huge misconcept. I never truly found someone with BPD who was really a manipulator. We have those big emotions that are hard to control and switch fast, so that's why people may not feel like we are being serious about it. All of my SH were related to my relationships I believe, I honestly wanted to end it all everytime, but since we are so impulsive it's also hard to come with a good plan and do it correctly.

 

[rougarou]

does anyone else have bpd and find it really REALLY amplifies your feeling of wanting to ctb after or during an argument? i don't want to be manipulative. but my feelings about it are already so prevalent on their own and when my partner and i argue i always end up SH because i don't know how to cope with the feelings of wanting to die. after an argument i always just feel like he'd be better off without me in his life to drag him down but then he calls me selfish for thinking that way.

i don't wanna hurt him or leave him behind but i don't wanna be around to be constantly arguing with him especially bc he doesn't understand how intense my thoughts of ctb are. Idk how to make him understand either.

I have BPD and it massively informs my wanting to CTB. I cannot live or function normally because of it...

My FP and I have a very close relationship, and whenever I feel like he doesn't care about me anymore, I feel like I don't even have a reason to exist... if I'm not making him happy, then I don't know why I'm here.

Its really hell for my gf. I wish she was my FP. It sucks that we just can't choose that.

 

[borderline-feline]

My FP is my boyfriend, and he's been very busy lately, so sometimes a day or two will go by without us talking at all, and that terrifies me. I know that he'd be better off without me, but I'm also afraid of hurting him. I promised him that I wouldn't kill myself, but that was because I was afraid he'd leave after an argument we had about the topic. I wholeheartedly regret that promise, because it means I have to go through the pain of living.

Sometimes I wish he would start hating me so that I'd have no reason left not to die. I could finally escape my pain, but I also fear that it wouldn't be worth it since I would lose him in the process.

 

[mothercoin]

I feel like I abandon everyone I care about , because in the end I just hurt them deeply. Those that stick around get hurt more and more because I can't seem to improve at all and I always end up back in the same place. I want to kill myself so badly but I know how much it will hurt my family. I just don't see any way out though.

 

[exiled]

BPD has made my life a living hell and it has definitely made it way harder for me to maintain relationships. My natural instinct in everything is to jump to a CTB mindset when there is the slightest tone shift, or disagreement between myself and someone I love and care about. I don't have anything insightful to say necessarily, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

The worst part about it for me is that I tend to actively seek out narcissistic people that prey on the vulnerability of people like us. So, I am not actually being delusional when they are being manipulative. I do it to myself. And push everyone who loves me away in the process. BPD is quite honestly the worst life sentence to be given. I firmly believe I would be able to fight off my CTB urges if I could get it under control. It's ruining me and controlling me but the stigma around it is so largely awful that it prevents me from wanting to identify with it and actually seek help. I'm supposed to be a "mature, put together" person, how could I possibly allow someone to know I have BPD? That's what goes through my mind - not implying that people with BPD can't be mature or put together. But I often run from the label because it's been so widely shamed in society. You are not alone. And it is not manipulative; you know yourself to know when you're being manipulative versus when the feelings are just so damn intense that you cannot help but express them. Others are honestly just way too fragile with this kind of thing, even if we are the ones that are too intense. Sorry you're going through this.

 

[curtaincall]

BPD is very, very hard. On all sides. It takes a lot of understanding and education for a partner to willingly stay with a BDP person and not lose their mind. I've BDP and I'm sad for the people who've had to endure me.