Discussion bpd rambling

[hungryhamster]

navigating having suicidal thoughts and urges while having bpd is so difficult and confusing. one minute ill feel like its the end for me and get close to attempting or self harming in some way, and then a few minutes later feel completely fine.

sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud like im not actually suicidal, and the rapid move swings can be pretty jarring.

af the moment i feel pretty neutral and numb but a couple minutes ago i felt like taking action (not in ctb way) and getting back at people who had hurt me, now i can't even believe i was thinking of doing said things.

anyone else on this site also have bpd and have similar experiences? or even completely different ones; i just find comfort in knowing im possibly not alone in this.

 

[pulleditnearlyoff]

Yes, exactly the same. I can loose myself completely in revenge and anger or pain. The emotions are so overwhelming that I dissasociate. Moments later I feel completely normal again and can't believe that those thoughts and feelings were mine. As if I have a different person inside of me.

 

[Fangarina]

Yes. It's a nightmare.
I don't have a single day that I don't think/ plan my suicide.
But I also have massive waves where for weeks I will be set on going, then I come out it and decide I'm not ready yet and the cycle repeats itself continuously.

I think it has made me more settled in my decision to CTB though. I'm 37, and the thought of enduring this for the rest of my life when it's all I have ever known destroys me more.
It's been the longest struggle and I'm exhausted. So at the moment, while I am in an ok space and not on the verge of doing it, I have set a rough time of when I plan to go on my terms.
Not sure if the purchase of my SN has also helped settle it, I don't feel so desperate and I know my method will be here in my hands soon and I have full control over it.
It's not a rush decision, it's not being made impulsively. I have taken the reins back and will decide.
And for now, I will breeze through not being actively on the edge.
I don't feel like a fraud. We all deal with this at different levels, and we are all at different stages in our journey.

 

[hungryhamster]

Yes, exactly the same. I can loose myself completely in revenge and anger or pain. The emotions are so overwhelming that I dissasociate. Moments later I feel completely normal again and can't believe that those thoughts and feelings were mine. As if I have a different person inside of me.

god yeah the feeling of having a different person inside of you describes how i feel perfectly

Yes. It's a nightmare.
I don't have a single day that I don't think/ plan my suicide.
But I also have massive waves where for weeks I will be set on going, then I come out it and decide I'm not ready yet and the cycle repeats itself continuously.

I think it has made me more settled in my decision to CTB though. I'm 37, and the thought of enduring this for the rest of my life when it's all I have ever known destroys me more.
It's been the longest struggle and I'm exhausted. So at the moment, while I am in an ok space and not on the verge of doing it, I have set a rough time of when I plan to go on my terms.
Not sure if the purchase of my SN has also helped settle it, I don't feel so desperate and I know my method will be here in my hands soon and I have full control over it.
It's not a rush decision, it's not being made impulsively. I have taken the reins back and will decide.
And for now, I will breeze through not being actively on the edge.
I don't feel like a fraud. We all deal with this at different levels, and we are all at different stages in our journey.

i understand, living with bpd is such a struggle and especially living with that for 37 years. its hard to get help for it as well, im sorry you've had to struggle as long as you have. i wish you peace ♡

 

[GBFisnotGBF]

navigating having suicidal thoughts and urges while having bpd is so difficult and confusing. one minute ill feel like its the end for me and get close to attempting or self harming in some way, and then a few minutes later feel completely fine.

sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud like im not actually suicidal, and the rapid move swings can be pretty jarring.

af the moment i feel pretty neutral and numb but a couple minutes ago i felt like taking action (not in ctb way) and getting back at people who had hurt me, now i can't even believe i was thinking of doing said things.

anyone else on this site also have bpd and have similar experiences? or even completely different ones; i just find comfort in knowing im possibly not alone in this.

BPD here. Never care about the mood swing and stuff. It is not important. Everytime it hit my nerve is seeing some hypocritical say about those "positivity" stuff and "let go" speech. It is ultmost disgusting and gross. I just want to tear down their face to reveal the evil inside them. The BPD rage is just burning from inside out and eventually did self harm stuff.

 

[Tig]

Crazy how it works, the dual demons fighting eternally in our minds.
The older I've got the harder it's been to just keep them at bay.
When that switch flips these days, it's usually cry on the floor time, the confusion is overwhelming, to the point of feeling paralyzed.
CTB can't happen quick enough.