Venting BPD rage and being insensitive

[loopylou]

As many of you know I tried to ctb two weekends ago. I sat in front of a family member with my benzos and my sn & water. He didn't know it was SN. I cried as i don't want to leave behind people I care about but it's got to the point I'm doing more harm than good trying to stay afloat. So I told him I want to die and I can't take it anymore and he yelled at me

' if you was going to commit suicide you would just do it'

so I drank the SN and sent him away.

fast forward two weeks later... his best friend commits suicide. There's been the usual bullshit on Facebook. But a message my family member sent really cut a nerve with me and I'm struggling to contain my emotions due to bpd and I really don't want to be insensitive and make it about me but his message said

'I wish he reached out and told me he felt like that'

I'm bpd livid. I know I'm getting better at controlling it as before I would of just lashed out immediately after reading the message. It just sucks to feel like my life is worth less than someone else's.

:(

 

[Goodbye710]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through! I read what you went through. I'm sorry.

I'm not sure if this will help but it's possible that he doesn't view your life as less than his best friend but more likely he's just another NPC. Most people are.

We can become NPC's ourselves if we aren't careful. Not enough critical thinking and just reacting to the changing waves of life.

What I'm trying to say is try not to take it personal. People say and do things that make no sense. I have done it myself. I look back and see I've had moments in life where I was just an NPC. Where I said something that I very deeply regreted.

I know this might not help but just trying to explain why people do the dumb stuff people do. Why people say stupid things.

 

[loopylou]

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through! I read what you went through. I'm sorry.

I'm not sure if this will help but it's possible that he doesn't view your life as less than his best friend but more likely he's just another NPC. Most people are.

We can become NPC's ourselves if we aren't careful. Not enough critical thinking and just reacting to the changing waves of life.

What I'm trying to say is try not to take it personal. People say and do things that make no sense. I have done it myself. I look back and see I've had moments in life where I was just an NPC. Where I said something that I very deeply regreted.

I know this might not help but just trying to explain why people do the dumb stuff people do. Why people say stupid things.

What's a NPC? Yes I'm trying so hard to contain it but I sat there thinking... he says to reach out. So if his best mate said come over to his and he sat there crying saying he wanted to die, but he still say ' well if you was going to do it you just would'
I really think the answer is no. He would be more compassionate

life= shit.

 

[signifying nothing]

Only you know the real you and what you're going and have been through, so only you can determine your real worth.

Try not to let others have too much influence over that, though I realise it probably felt like a kick in the stomach to hear what you did from someone you thought cared about you. I hope you can weather the storm.

 

[Symbiote]

You would think he have a change of heart after hearing that his best friend killed himself that he would check on you since you tried the same thing prior. People are strange, we're strange, humans are strange in how they handle grief and death. I'm sorry they said that to you, but it's a common saying to many of us. I've sort of broken down the meanings of it when they said it:

' if you was going to commit suicide you would just do it'

My wife said the same thing to me as well as countless of others. Maybe during times I didn't actually do it and it sounded manipulative. Other times they were really tired of hearing about my negative shit. They always said that if you wanted help, you should reach out for help, and then you get that response. Makes you not want to reach for help ever again. People like them instill the belief that our words, cries for help, are meaningless, that we don't matter in times of need. If a disaster were to strike, you would be the last thing on their minds. So next time when I get the strongest of urges to die, I'm going to skip asking for help and just do it. It is after all, what they all wanted. Actions are much better than words.

'I wish he reached out and told me he felt like that'

The great paradox, his best friend probably reached out the same way, but got the same cold response. He took society's meaning that he didn't matter in his time of need and skipped asking for help. He reached out many times, but his friends and family were too drawn in their own circle of life to not include him in it. They only include him in their circle of life after he is dead. They cared about him when he's dead, but do not give a rat's ass if you were still alive. Never understood that human trait since it does happen often.

People can be two-faced assholes, people can make you feel like you don't matter or you're not on equal footing as they are. They bring you down, and then cry afterwards when you're six feet underground. I stopped reaching out for help with normal people because they will never understand. I've accepted that I'm not an equal in the human cesspool. The acceptance that you don't need others to validate your suffering for you, only you can validate that and make the right decision to stay or not. Your friends, family, and strangers of the world will always think of you less when you need them most.

 

[loopylou]

You would think he have a change of heart after hearing that his best friend killed himself that he would check on you since you tried the same thing prior. People are strange, we're strange, humans are strange in how they handle grief and death. I'm sorry they said that to you, but it's a common saying to many of us. I've sort of broken down the meanings of it when they said it:



My wife said the same thing to me as well as countless of others. Maybe during times I didn't actually do it and it sounded manipulative. Other times they were really tired of hearing about my negative shit. They always said that if you wanted help, you should reach out for help, and then you get that response. Makes you not want to reach for help ever again. People like them instill the belief that our words, cries for help, are meaningless, that we don't matter in times of need. If a disaster were to strike, you would be the last thing on their minds. So next time when I get the strongest of urges to die, I'm going to skip asking for help and just do it. It is after all, what they all wanted. Actions are much better than words.



The great paradox, his best friend probably reached out the same way, but got the same cold response. He took society's meaning that he didn't matter in his time of need and skipped asking for help. He reached out many times, but his friends and family were too drawn in their own circle of life to not include him in it. They only include him in their circle of life after he is dead. They cared about him when he's dead, but do not give a rat's ass if you were still alive. Never understood that human trait since it does happen often.

People can be two-faced assholes, people can make you feel like you don't matter or you're not on equal footing as they are. They bring you down, and then cry afterwards when you're six feet underground. I stopped reaching out for help with normal people because they will never understand. I've accepted that I'm not an equal in the human cesspool. The acceptance that you don't need others to validate your suffering for you, only you can validate that and make the right decision to stay or not. Your friends, family, and strangers of the world will always think of you less when you need them most.

Thanks for that. I agree with it all. This friend got sectioned a few months ago , but after he got out I saw no difference in how little he got visited by friends. I know the covid rules have made people feel like they can't visit . It sucks , all these people have him on their profile picture now. Didn't before his death. Why weren't they showing him they care before ?
It's all fucking bullshit

 

[Sprite_Geist]

What's a NPC?

NPC stands for: Non Player Character. It is a term used in video games, it is a generic label for any character within a game that is not controlled by the person (you) who is playing it. There are 2 main types of Non-Player Character; firstly a static NPC: these have no AI (artificial intelligence) meaning that they are not controlled by the computer and do not act much - like an in-game shop keeper that stands in the same position forever. The second type of Non-Player Character are ones that do have an AI controlling them; such as an enemy monster that attacks the player. Even when controlled by an artificial intelligence they are still limited in the way that they can act. Though this is slowly changing with advances in computing and software (game engines and such).

Basically NPC's (generally) have virtually little to no computational intelligence and no awareness. When somebody labels another real person as an "NPC" it is mostly used as an insult to say they are mindless or daft - pretty much.

 

[loopylou]

NPC stands for: Non Player Character. It is a term used in video games, it is a generic label for any character within a game that is not controlled by the person (you) who is playing it. There are 2 main types of Non-Player Character; firstly a static NPC: these have no AI (artificial intelligence) meaning that they are not controlled by the computer and do not act much - like an in-game shop keeper that stands in the same position forever. The second type of Non-Player Character are ones that do have an AI controlling them; such as an enemy monster that attacks the player. Even when controlled by an artificial intelligence they are still limited in the way that they can act. Though this is slowly changing with advances in computing and software (game engines and such).

Basically NPC's (generally) have virtually little to no computational intelligence and no awareness. When somebody labels another real person as an "NPC" it is mostly used as an insult to say they are mindless or daft - pretty much.

Haha thanks for the detailed explanation! About right ...

 

[orlandom]

I am glad that you are here again and write these messages.

The world is full of shit. People are two-faced and all people lie.

Impulsiveness helps to overcome SI. In your situation, impulsiveness helped you drink a glass.

There is no impulsiveness in my situation. Only the aching pain inside me. It's like a bad tooth. But the pain is not sharp.

 

[MYStERY_Man]

There's a non-zero chance this person was just virtue-signaling and would've said the exact same thing about you had you CTB.

There's another chance they'd react the same way they did with you had the friend called for help.

Most people aren't equipped to deal with a suicidal mind, the best they can come up with guilt-tripping, empty platitudes or a hotline. They often mean well, though.

Don't take it personally. It was just the wrong person to open up with.

 

[WornOutLife]

Sorry you're dealing with all this sh*t, dear.
I know it sucks but I think you're stronger than you think!

Anyway, hope you can feel better soon. You know you can always count on me.

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[FuneralCry]

I am sorry for what you have gone through, you have every right to feel the way you do. People can be awful. I think people often don't know how to handle it when someone says they are going to ctb and they act abruptly. I wish you all the best.

 

[loopylou]

I am sorry for what you have gone through, you have every right to feel the way you do. People can be awful. I think people often don't know how to handle it when someone says they are going to ctb and they act abruptly. I wish you all the best.

Thank you
I have voiced being suicidal for 6 years now so I don't think it would come as much of a surprise when I do.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

Your anger is completely understandable and justified - that would hit a nerve for me too. You have more self-control than I do by not calling him out on it.

If he couldn't offer any kindness, any support or even the most basic level of empathy to his own family, I highly doubt he would have done things differently with his friend.

I agree with @MYStERY_Man that it was almost certainly virtue signalling, a vacuous and meaningless statement to make himself feel better.

So often, we are told that "it's okay to not be okay" or to "reach out if you need help" but when we do, suicidal people are often guilt-tripped, gaslit, invalidated, manipulated and treated like utter shit. Then when someone actually kills themselves, they say "I wish they told me" or "I wish I could have helped."

It is a common (and harmful) myth that only those who never tell anyone will be the ones to complete suicide. I know people who have tried so hard to seek help (myself included), who have begged and pleaded and sobbed, only for it to fall on deaf, unsympathetic ears. I for one have been met so often with gaslighting and condescension - even outright insults and abuse - when I have requested support from professionals and non-professionals alike.

I am sorry you were treated so carelessly. I recognise how difficult it can be to break down in front of another human being and express the truth about how you feel, and how devastating it is to not be heard and supported. You did not deserve that, or to have to witness this family member's outrageous hypocrisy.

If he hasn't reached out to apologise for his behaviour and check up on you, then I doubt he has learned anything from this experience or cares about the subject of suicide any more than he did when he felt entitled to yell at you and belittle you when you confided in him.

 

[OblivionSeeker]

I've never been diagnosed but I'm pretty sure I'm c-PTSD/Borderline. My anger goes from 0-100 in a few seconds. My husband's ugliness toward me used to make me angry, but lately I'm seeing it as verification that my time is up. My own husband doesn't want to talk to me--I have nothing else, nor anyone else, and my health is declining.

 

[loopylou]

Your anger is completely understandable and justified - that would hit a nerve for me too. You have more self-control than I do by not calling him out on it.

If he couldn't offer any kindness, any support or even the most basic level of empathy to his own family, I highly doubt he would have done things differently with his friend.

I agree with @MYStERY_Man that it was almost certainly virtue signalling, a vacuous and meaningless statement to make himself feel better.

So often, we are told that "it's okay to not be okay" or to "reach out if you need help" but when we do, suicidal people are often guilt-tripped, gaslit, invalidated, manipulated and treated like utter shit. Then when someone actually kills themselves, they say "I wish they told me" or "I wish I could have helped."

It is a common (and harmful) myth that only those who never tell anyone will be the ones to complete suicide. I know people who have tried so hard to seek help (myself included), who have begged and pleaded and sobbed, only for it to fall on deaf, unsympathetic ears. I for one have been met so often with gaslighting and condescension - even outright insults and abuse - when I have requested support from professionals and non-professionals alike.

I am sorry you were treated so carelessly. I recognise how difficult it can be to break down in front of another human being and express the truth about how you feel, and how devastating it is to not be heard and supported. You did not deserve that, or to have to witness this family member's outrageous hypocrisy.

If he hasn't reached out to apologise for his behaviour and check up on you, then I doubt he has learned anything from this experience or cares about the subject of suicide any more than he did when he felt entitled to yell at you and belittle you when you confided in him.

Ok I seen him today and called him out on it. But quietly, respectfully. I'm glad I held on to mention it. I asked if he would still say the same to his friend as he did to me and he said ' yea probably'
So why make out on social media that you are a person that people can reach out too!? It's still bullshit

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I asked if he would still say the same to his friend as he did to me and he said ' yea probably'

Good on you for calling him out - people like this need to be pulled up on their bullshit.

His response is repulsive. I genuinely feel disgusted at the sheer lack of empathy, remorse and self-reflection. It's appalling that he would still say something so cruel, knowing that his friend was going to take his life. And that he still sees no problem with how he treated you.

I honestly believe people like this are dangerous for those in a vulnerable position. Imagine if someone reads his disingenuous posts online and feels safe to reach out to him, only for him to spew the same bile he said to you.

 

[loopylou]

Good on you for calling him out - people like this need to be pulled up on their bullshit.

His response is repulsive. I genuinely feel disgusted at the sheer lack of empathy, remorse and self-reflection. It's appalling that he would still say something so cruel, knowing that his friend was going to take his life. And that he still sees no problem with how he treated you.

I honestly believe people like this are dangerous for those in a vulnerable position. Imagine if someone reads his disingenuous posts online and feels safe to reach out to him, only for him to spew the same bile he said to you.

It's really damaging behaviour towards someone who feels so worthless they don't want to carry on.
if that's how ' best friends ' treat each other than I'm glad I'm a loner

 

[Bat 17]

It's really damaging behaviour towards someone who feels so worthless they don't want to carry on.
if that's how ' best friends ' treat each other than I'm glad I'm a loner

In this respect at least, he sounds pretty dreadful. Don't think this was BPD stuff from you, rather a righteous indignation

 

[loopylou]

In this respect at least, he sounds pretty dreadful. Don't think this was BPD stuff from you, rather a righteous indignation

Thank you. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes so I need a ' cooling off' period to think about it

 

[Sprite_Geist]

So why make out on social media that you are a person that people can reach out too!? It's still bullshit

Many people tend to be fake over social media, and it is usually done for social brownie points. It is easier to preach about being kind than it is to put those words into action, and actually be kind. By pretending to care about an event online it allows a person to take all of the credit without putting in any effort. It can be seen on social media when somebody changes their profile picture to promote a movement that is in the spotlight, and then a few hours, days or weeks later they remove it and forget that it ever existed.

Thank you. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes so I need a ' cooling off' period to think about it

Yes this is true. Dealing with certain people can feel like a mind game sometimes. There are so many manipulative and bullying individuals in the current climate that it makes you question your own sanity. You may question your own behaviour sometimes: "Am I being too sensitive? Am I annoying?", but in reality you discover that you were being taken for a ride.

 

[Brokenwithbpd]

As many of you know I tried to ctb two weekends ago. I sat in front of a family member with my benzos and my sn & water. He didn't know it was SN. I cried as i don't want to leave behind people I care about but it's got to the point I'm doing more harm than good trying to stay afloat. So I told him I want to die and I can't take it anymore and he yelled at me

' if you was going to commit suicide you would just do it'

so I drank the SN and sent him away.

fast forward two weeks later... his best friend commits suicide. There's been the usual bullshit on Facebook. But a message my family member sent really cut a nerve with me and I'm struggling to contain my emotions due to bpd and I really don't want to be insensitive and make it about me but his message said

'I wish he reached out and told me he felt like that'

I'm bpd livid. I know I'm getting better at controlling it as before I would of just lashed out immediately after reading the message. It just sucks to feel like my life is worth less than someone else's.

:(

Bpd is going to kill me. I'm on the verge tonight I can't handle it