things have been really rough recently. i tried to ctb a few weeks ago (oct 25). my partner found me and called the hospital, but it was an overdose and it probably wouldn't have done anything anyway, so instead i got to be poked and prodded by nurses. i didn't tell anyone that i had attempted but i'm still on my parents insurance and i'm terrified they're going to find out and ship me off to an inpatient facility somewhere, and i REALLY don't want that to happen, because that would probably be my absolute last straw and i would find a way to either end it all there or as soon as i got released.
then my partner and i broke up not even a week after. they probably weren't able to handle my attempt which is completely fair because that's a lot of emotional pressure to put on someone, but the split absolutely broke me. to top it off, they said it was mostly for my mental health, which makes no sense because i was suicidal before and became even more so after. i have bpd and they are my favourite person, i understand that it's an incredibly unhealthy attachment but i don't know how to get rid of it. i thought breaking up would be easy but they refused to go no contact and claim that they still care about me and want to provide emotional/mental support, but it just makes it so much harder to move on. and to make it even more confusing, we still act like we're in a relationship (cuddling, sex, saying "i love you") except without the label. it makes me feel like i'm just being used, but since they're my fp i want to keep them in my life in whatever capacity i can. what we have now hurts a lot though, and i'm growing ever closer to ctb.
i have so many mental illnesses that make life absolutely unbearable. bpd is probably the worst of them, but i also have depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. i used to think i could work through everything, but i've been medicated for 2 years and in therapy for 4, and nothing is helping. i'm also nonbinary/trans, and most people i know continue to misgender and deadname me, which makes me feel like shit.
i stumbled across sasu a few days ago while searching for more reliable methods and it's become my newest obsession. i've been suicidal most of my life but i really think i'm going to ctb soon. i've come to terms with never reaching my next birthday, and i've mostly gotten over the guilt trip of "it'll hurt everyone you leave behind." i believe that suicide is the last act of self care a person can do. i don't want to hurt the people i love, but remaining on this plane is only hurting me. i can't keep hanging on for other people when i've wanted to kill myself for the past decade. i returned to therapy last week but it feels so hopeless.
i think SN is my preferred method but i'm still searching for a source. i want it to be painless and easy, not just for me but also to give a little bit of comfort to the ones i'm leaving. but if i can't find SN, i will use a firearm. i just want to find peace.
then my partner and i broke up not even a week after. they probably weren't able to handle my attempt which is completely fair because that's a lot of emotional pressure to put on someone, but the split absolutely broke me. to top it off, they said it was mostly for my mental health, which makes no sense because i was suicidal before and became even more so after. i have bpd and they are my favourite person, i understand that it's an incredibly unhealthy attachment but i don't know how to get rid of it. i thought breaking up would be easy but they refused to go no contact and claim that they still care about me and want to provide emotional/mental support, but it just makes it so much harder to move on. and to make it even more confusing, we still act like we're in a relationship (cuddling, sex, saying "i love you") except without the label. it makes me feel like i'm just being used, but since they're my fp i want to keep them in my life in whatever capacity i can. what we have now hurts a lot though, and i'm growing ever closer to ctb.
i have so many mental illnesses that make life absolutely unbearable. bpd is probably the worst of them, but i also have depression, anxiety, and an eating disorder. i used to think i could work through everything, but i've been medicated for 2 years and in therapy for 4, and nothing is helping. i'm also nonbinary/trans, and most people i know continue to misgender and deadname me, which makes me feel like shit.
i stumbled across sasu a few days ago while searching for more reliable methods and it's become my newest obsession. i've been suicidal most of my life but i really think i'm going to ctb soon. i've come to terms with never reaching my next birthday, and i've mostly gotten over the guilt trip of "it'll hurt everyone you leave behind." i believe that suicide is the last act of self care a person can do. i don't want to hurt the people i love, but remaining on this plane is only hurting me. i can't keep hanging on for other people when i've wanted to kill myself for the past decade. i returned to therapy last week but it feels so hopeless.
i think SN is my preferred method but i'm still searching for a source. i want it to be painless and easy, not just for me but also to give a little bit of comfort to the ones i'm leaving. but if i can't find SN, i will use a firearm. i just want to find peace.
