Klaronema
Member
- Sep 21, 2023
- 11
This is neither a new take, nor a new thought... nothing.
I am just suffering. And I want to vent and to be understood.
There are just 2 things on my mind constantly. I want to CTB and I can't CTB because my mother will be sad. Idk. I hate this stupid disease.
I keep wondering whether one day my episode will fuck my head up enough to where I won't care anymore, and I'll just finally escape.
It's such a lonely lonely disorder. I, and I suppose a lot of other people (with bpd or not), feel so isolated and misunderstood.
I cut myself up when I can't handle shit.
I've been hospitalized for a CTB attempt, tried to get better but there is just no way out of this suffering.
I am honestly lost. I keep researching humane ways to exit but I'm scared I will fail again, I'm scared of the pain and I'm scared it will take my mother with me.
Also my younger sister has been depressed and I have to keep the facade up of the "strong, motivating older sister", but I can't. I can't do it anymore.
My body is covered in scars and wounds, just hidden enough to where my family won't see.
I'm lucky enough to have a bf who tries his best but I honestly don't believe this relationship is healthy, with me being the insane one.
I threatened suicide and selfharm and even slapped him once or twice when angry enough to be blind. I felt deeply ashamed every time I cooled down, and I can't escape my own anger and pain.
I don't want to blame everything on bpd, I'm the person doing it. I'm the monster behind all of it.
I'm breaking under all of this pain and I've suffered for so long and made others suffer even worse.
This is just some sort of desperate rant. I feel like a fraud since I can't decide whether to leave this earth or not, but deep down I know that will be my fate. I don't know if I'm ready to stop trying, but I sure know I'm exhausted. I feel like a shell of person.
I chose SN as my method at one point, but didn't do anything. I failed at the "order the stuff" part already, since I shat myself thinking about going onto the darkweb.
It's all so paradox.
I don't want to traumatize others, so no train or jumping off a bridge (also those methods take an insane amount of courage, I don't think I'm at that point yet). I guess I'm just researching. I went through the ressources on here, I just wonder if there are any easier, better methods.
Also I'm sorry for anyone who ended up on this site as well, I hope you find happiness and I hope you try everything else before deciding to CTB.
And thank you for your attention.
(and sorry for any typos, I'm tired and out of it right now)
I am just suffering. And I want to vent and to be understood.
There are just 2 things on my mind constantly. I want to CTB and I can't CTB because my mother will be sad. Idk. I hate this stupid disease.
I keep wondering whether one day my episode will fuck my head up enough to where I won't care anymore, and I'll just finally escape.
It's such a lonely lonely disorder. I, and I suppose a lot of other people (with bpd or not), feel so isolated and misunderstood.
I cut myself up when I can't handle shit.
I've been hospitalized for a CTB attempt, tried to get better but there is just no way out of this suffering.
I am honestly lost. I keep researching humane ways to exit but I'm scared I will fail again, I'm scared of the pain and I'm scared it will take my mother with me.
Also my younger sister has been depressed and I have to keep the facade up of the "strong, motivating older sister", but I can't. I can't do it anymore.
My body is covered in scars and wounds, just hidden enough to where my family won't see.
I'm lucky enough to have a bf who tries his best but I honestly don't believe this relationship is healthy, with me being the insane one.
I threatened suicide and selfharm and even slapped him once or twice when angry enough to be blind. I felt deeply ashamed every time I cooled down, and I can't escape my own anger and pain.
I don't want to blame everything on bpd, I'm the person doing it. I'm the monster behind all of it.
I'm breaking under all of this pain and I've suffered for so long and made others suffer even worse.
This is just some sort of desperate rant. I feel like a fraud since I can't decide whether to leave this earth or not, but deep down I know that will be my fate. I don't know if I'm ready to stop trying, but I sure know I'm exhausted. I feel like a shell of person.
I chose SN as my method at one point, but didn't do anything. I failed at the "order the stuff" part already, since I shat myself thinking about going onto the darkweb.
It's all so paradox.
I don't want to traumatize others, so no train or jumping off a bridge (also those methods take an insane amount of courage, I don't think I'm at that point yet). I guess I'm just researching. I went through the ressources on here, I just wonder if there are any easier, better methods.
Also I'm sorry for anyone who ended up on this site as well, I hope you find happiness and I hope you try everything else before deciding to CTB.
And thank you for your attention.
(and sorry for any typos, I'm tired and out of it right now)
