Hey, I have bpd too (diagnosed but my current psychiatrist thinks it's more bpd traits than full-blown disorder).
I can't offer you much advice, sadly but I can share some experience being in relationships long-term. It started bright for me but with time the same numbness came and I couldn't really distinguish if I'm just not in love anymore or if it's just the numbness. I tried to remember the good moments when I did feel things from time to time + I tried to imagine (silly) how would I feel getting hugs/cuddles from them rn. Usually helped me to remember I care more for them. Sometimes it didn't and I'd just wait for the feelings to come again. I made it clear to them that my disorder sometimes distortes what I feel to them and I might be cold and not responsive and can't return their feelings.
I also implemented the way of discussing each problem/argument we had in a non-violent way (google non-violent communication) after (ideally before, but usually we didn't manage it) each arguement we had and my breakdowns too. I found it particularly helpful to discuss my doubts in them every time before they reach the state it overwhelmes me or triggers my paranoia/abandonment fears.
Key with relationships as a bpd person to me was to accept I can't be perfect and sometimes can't even be normal. It hurts but it's how we are and how we have to live. Another key is lots and lots of communication.
But for this you need an actually decent partner willing to work on themselves. How it ended up for me? My partner had (has) mental illness of themselves and they just brushed off everything I asked them to change as my bpd acting up, without actually attempting to hear me. They had quite severe paranoia due to their own trauma and most of my attemps to bring their problems to their attention ended up with them suspicious of me. Rn it seems like my relationships are going to their logical end and that my attempt to prevent being abusive ended up in me being borderline abused. Or maybe I'm just delusional again, who knows...
Tldr; try to establish communication but don't be afraid to demand your partner to respect you. Your illness doesn't make you less of a human and if you feel mistreated you don't brush it off as your skewed perspective but discuss it with your partner and try to figure out why it happened and how to prevent it happening.
Thank you so much for your hearty explanation, that really means a lot, i really resonate with a lot that you say, especially how you describe remembering feelings you had at one moment and just waiting for a spark to happen again, when ever that may be. You sound like a really mature person that knows the need for communication, and for reassurance, and as a survivor of trauma, i know you doubt your own thoughts all the time, but those sound really healthy, thank you. Its great ti know im not alone in this. I really hope that your relationship now or maybe one later will be a loving and reassuring and open one. I'm so sorry you have to simply accept that you live relationships on hard mode. Thank you for giving me your time.
I was the same with my ex girlfriend & I think I have bpd as well (I haven't been diagnosed or anything though) and now I have a bf that I believe I genuinely love. When I was with her, I was with her compulsively, because I felt like if I left her I'd have nobody. I didn't actually enjoy hanging out with her or her humor or our conversations. I think even though it's hard to tell and our feelings kind of skewer the reality a bit, if you're feeling like you don't enjoy their company, the odds are you probably wouldn't in the absence of other factors either.
pls don't take this part the wrong way it's just that it was helpful advice for me when I was maturing out of my old relationship- but if you hurt people unintentionally like you mentioned it's possible that you aren't ready to be in a relationship until you've coped with your symptoms and have the insight and self awareness to know when you're engaging in disordered behavior and know when to take a step back. my honest advice would be to tell your partner you need a break and practice mindfulness and learn how to deal with your feelings on your own instead of get into another relationship. good luck <3
Thank you for those words, i really appreciate your experience. I hope I'll be able to develop those skills, and it definitely feels like an unfairness that i have tu take extra time of my life that i could have lived normally in another body, to undo damage and relearn. Like someone set me back before i even began. Thank you for your kindness.
