Venting BPD and insomnia over FPs, anyone else?

[Eternal Eyes]

I will try to make this post as concise as I can. In 2015, I met someone online named Charlotte. Like me, Charlotte has autism, and a history of mental problems. We rapidly bonded over not just tastes and interests but our lives in general, however we naturally drifted apart. The years flew by, and now it was 2018, my life was awful and I was never more suicidal (until maybe now?). I began writing intense poetry to vent. Charlotte saw it, and she reached out

We began speaking for hours on on end, I rapidly fell in love, some of our messages had about 10,000 words in them. Charlotte is kind, interesting, intelligent and experienced. It was now 2020, and one night, when Charlotte was discussing what she'd want in a relationship, I couldn't handle hide my feelings anymore, and blurted out I loved her.

She rejected me, which didn't surprise me. What did surprise me, was her reaction. Charlotte seemed confused, and somewhat upset. She then said she could only offer friendship, which was a relief, as I was worried my emotional outburst had destroyed what we had. Charlotte felt the same, she was relieved I was fine remaining friends, I think she was really scared our friendship would end.

The next day however...Charlotte shocked me. Charlotte had been very reclusive and reticent, but now she was sending photos of her, her family, her house, her car, everything. It was like I *wasn't* rejected....and this is where the pain began. Charlotte became very romantic with me...she clearly liked me a lot, and now the line was entirely blurred, which when you're autistic, isn't brilliant, it all fell apart one night where she wanted to stream a romantic movie with me and I had an anxiety attack, the worst part was she took this as me not loving her. I couldn't handle the ambiguity anymore, and I had to leave. I was honestly relieved back then that contact ended. I do not blame Charlotte, like me, she is autistic with other comorbidities, but it was really taxing on me.

In 2024, after years of rarely thinking about her, I recalled her due to my cousin getting diagnosed with autism, and me joining here and discussing her with a few people here. We're friends again :) but it's not the same. I really wish we could be as close as we were. I just love and adore Charlotte, and the fact I lost what we had makes me want to die. I know this is shitty BPD kicking in. But I had to get this off my chest. I spent four years pursuing my own interests and hobbies, making irl friends, travelling everywhere, and no one is comparable to her. She's had a really tough life, yet is still kind, positive and warm. She is actually inspirational to me. I wish I could get back those four years and spend every day talking to Charlotte instead.

Has anyone else with BPD ever gone through this? Loving someone so much it drives you insane? It's 3am, and all I can do is cry thinking about Charlotte. I'm not alone here, am I?

 

[Gangrel]

I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and met a man online named Jack. We quickly became best friends, exchanging gifts and sharing long, meaningful conversations. We supported each other through tough times and had a lot of fun together. However, Jack began disappearing for extended periods, only to return saying life was hard. The longest he went without contact was a month.

Eventually, I couldn't handle the emotional rollercoaster anymore. I loved him deeply and was terrified of losing him forever. In a moment of vulnerability, I told him how much I missed him and needed him. He apologized, saying he was a terrible person for treating me that way and promised to do better. Unfortunately, he didn't change. He ended up abandoning me completely, and I haven't heard from him since.

I still think about him often, holding onto his letters and the gifts he gave me. It hurts deeply that I loved him so much despite how he treated me. I still have nightmares about him disappearing and wake up heartbroken every time. Reflecting on it now, it feels like it drove me to the brink. I even cried in front of my mother because of the pain.

Sometimes, I send messages to his old accounts, just writing "I miss you" over and over, even though I know he hasn't been active there for years. I find myself hoping he might come back, and it frustrates me that I still love him so intensely despite everything. I hate it.

So no my friend, you aren't alone at all, love makes us do weird things specially us folk with BPD.