BPD and Identity Issues

[porfin1234]

Hello

I was wondering if anyone else out there had the BPD diagnosis and experienced difficulties with stable sense of self / values and acting with integrity.

Funny talking about identity issues when I've come to realize I tend to self obsess (people point out I talk about myself too much.. I have to force myself to shut up and listen or I over share ) yet I feel like I have no stable sense of who I am. One moment I see myself / feel myself empathizing with others, having a heart, yet can also be incredibly cold mean and selfish. Go from "emo goth teen" to "free loving hippie" although I've been stuck mostly in the former since recent events. It's funny because in HS I despised labels and now as an adult I am constantly trying to hold on to some sense of who I am and compare myself to others or try to be like other people.

I've even been called a chameleon especially when it comes to men I'm involved with. It's like I turn into them and I don't do it for approval at least not consciously. Some would call it manipulation. It's honestly not... It sucks ass losing yourself in others.

Anyway... anyone else have similar issues ?

 

[EmptySteph62]

I can relate to this, I also tend to do the "chameleon" thing where I blend to those I'm around. Its terrible not knowing who you are, I'm sorry you're going through this. I dont have an official diagnosis yet but my doctor said I have BPD traits and wants to look into it further.
Not knowing who you are or what you want is so difficult, especially when you have to fake it in front of others.

 

[BPD Barbie]

100%, I don't really know who I am as I take bits from everyone I meet and claim them as my own. Hobbies, interests, language. It's that need to feel wanted by them, so I feel I have to have something in common even if it doesn't interest the real me.

 

[The Warm Industry]

I have been diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago.

And when that happened, suddenly I understood why I never really grabbed myself to a 'real' persona of mine. Why people would have a cloudy opinion of me because no one never really understood who I am because of my constant "metamorphosis" into people who I'm friends with. Or in a relationship with. Or I'm simply obsessed with, like a character from fiction or something like that.

And with that in mind, usually when I'm not particularly close to someone or when I'm isolating myself, I don't feel like I am someone. I feel a lot of random things at the same time and I feel like I need someone to tell me how I should feel or how I should act or at least watch over me so I can adapt to that person.

To be honest, it really sucks to be that way. That matches really bad with the fact that I feel a lot of different things on the same day and I'm not really attached to anything or anyone. I feel like keeping people close just it's useful so I can keep sucking their personalities into mine's.

 

[porfin1234]

I almost wonder if this whole identity / chameleon issue comes from useful survival and adaptation mechanism just gone seriously wrong.

 

[mathieu]

Yeah, I'm the same.

 

[gentleflower]

100%, I don't really know who I am as I take bits from everyone I meet and claim them as my own. Hobbies, interests, language. It's that need to feel wanted by them, so I feel I have to have something in common even if it doesn't interest the real me.

Gosh, I could as well have written that..

 

[Final Escape]

I never know what to say when people ask me to tell them about myself lol! The only thing I can say is to discuss things I do which are few. YouTube, gym, read, SS, can't really say that last one. I like to eat, sleep, music, dance, hang out and chit chat, but beyond this. I have no life really, I just exist lol! When they ask what do u do for a living I wince because I can't decide to lie or be honest. So I just say I'm a massage therapist lol!

 

[Razor's Edge]

Do you have Bi-Polar Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, however my fiance' has Bi-Polar Disorder.
You can imagine how interesting that can be!

Let me know which and we can converse more.

 

[porfin1234]

Borderline here although was diagnosed with bipolar type II originally.

You know what. My identity has become what people tell me I am:
BPD, ADD, toxic, lazy, negative, self pitying, self absorbed, bully, etc etc.
I guess they are right.
Identity issue solved.
Last year different story.

But anyway- identity is fluid and just an illusion we create.
Just patterns of behavior and people use words to label you. Genetics plays role too I suppose.
All it is.
We are mere animals. Just more self aware.

Am I my body? Am I less myself without my arm? Am I my hobbies? Am I my family? My upbringing? My job? The choices I make? My illness?

Who I am can also change based on who you ask lol.

It's a fools game.

 

[Razor's Edge]

Borderline here although was diagnosed with bipolar type II originally.

You know what. My identity has become what people tell me I am:
BPD, ADD, toxic, lazy, negative, self pitying, self absorbed, bully, etc etc.
I guess they are right.
Identity issue solved.
Last year different story.

But anyway- identity is fluid and just an illusion we create.
Just patterns of behavior and people use words to label you. Genetics plays role too I suppose.
All it is.
We are mere animals. Just more self aware.

Am I my body? Am I less myself without my arm? Am I my hobbies? Am I my family? My upbringing? My job? The choices I make? My illness?

Who I am can also change based on who you ask lol.

It's a fools game.

All you have said is SO true!!!
I have felt this way my whole life!

I wasn't diagnosed with borderline until 2009 when I intentionally OD and ended up in the mental hospital.
However, I have always had 2 completely opposite opinions about the same thing, and at the same time, for my entire life.
I never understood why...I just felt crazy!!!

I mean...who was I really?

I have fought labels all of my life. I despise status symbols. People should not be what their career is or what they can AFFORD to be!!!
I have been teased and made fun of for not wearing the right labels.
Finally, I just said FUCK IT!!!...I'm going to be my own person and if people can't accept that then that's too bad.

The majority of the time I try to be a good person.
But I DO retaliate BAD!!!

Are we what medications and drugs make us to be at that moment?
Would that make us real...or walking and talking zombies?

Now, I have taken certain substances, which will remain nameless...lol, that have caused me to escape myself and lose my entire ego...everything that I thought was me. It was the most free feeling I had ever experienced! How wonderful to have all that SHIT just fall away...totally useless... And just BE!
It was SO awesome!!!

 

[LegaliseIt!]

Hello

I was wondering if anyone else out there had the BPD diagnosis and experienced difficulties with stable sense of self / values and acting with integrity.

Funny talking about identity issues when I've come to realize I tend to self obsess (people point out I talk about myself too much.. I have to force myself to shut up and listen or I over share ) yet I feel like I have no stable sense of who I am. One moment I see myself / feel myself empathizing with others, having a heart, yet can also be incredibly cold mean and selfish. Go from "emo goth teen" to "free loving hippie" although I've been stuck mostly in the former since recent events. It's funny because in HS I despised labels and now as an adult I am constantly trying to hold on to some sense of who I am and compare myself to others or try to be like other people.

I've even been called a chameleon especially when it comes to men I'm involved with. It's like I turn into them and I don't do it for approval at least not consciously. Some would call it manipulation. It's honestly not... It sucks ass losing yourself in others.

Anyway... anyone else have similar issues ?

This sounds like the story of my life, and I was 55 before I was diagnosed. 29 years ago, I got married to a man who is kind, but shows no emotion whatsoever, and even after all these years, he is essentially unknowable. Since I am unable to define myself through him, it's actually been a good thing—but I know he is exhausted from all the chaos. Just waiting to ctb until he won't find the body.

 

[ReadyToFly]

I can relate but to be honest I think after you hang around someone for a while you start to pick up things.. ever notice how in movies when they portray super close best friends that finish each other sentences and use the same lingo other people don't use?

 

[porfin1234]

You have a good point.
I think a lot of times the different mental illness labels are just extreme cases that are debilitating in some way of what would otherwise be normal sometimes in most humans. Sadness vs depression, etc.

 

[amnotreal]

I have a diagnosis of DID and have some bpd traits. I tend to never be sure who I am and have many different "me's" that surface from time to time.. I can feel very young and small and rarely feel my age or even like a grownup.