Boyfriend says he misses his ex

[CloseTheBook]

Ok so I don't know if this is something that's really done on here but... I asked my boyfriend if he misses his ex. At first he replied 'not really' and then, when I pressed him, he said 'sometimes'. He then said that he misses having someone around to care for all the time (they lived together for 6 years, we are very casual). I've told him we're better off as friends - he doesn't agree. He is also now adamant that he does not miss his ex and just misses the situation he was in with her...

I just wondered if anyone had any thoughts or how some of you would react to this?

I also added a poll cos why not lol

 

[DarkNearDeath]

He's just pondering when to leave you behind, it's typical trainwreck, after breakup find someone for comfort then abandon when things are better with ex again....

 

[aWishNotTrue]

Since it's only casual for now, I would feel more comfortable leaving since there isn't much invested into the relationship at the moment.

If you feel he is still hung up on his ex (as it seems) then you should check out now if you don't want to seriously date him.

May I ask why you pressed him after he said no at first? Did it seem like he was dodging the question? I would also be worried that the relationship is a rebound, as @voidparadigm said, how long has it been since he left his ex? (If that's okay to ask).

 

[LastFlowers]

I would run, but I'm also not the relationship type, my focus is on way larger and more damning issues, so I have no tolerance for bullshit like your bf is pulling.

 

[WornOutLife]

Go.

He's really an as*hole.

As my wise dad once told me "once said, forever said" so, I couldn't ever get those words out of my mind and I would always have that conversation with my gf if I decide to stay with her.

 

[aWishNotTrue]

no tolerance for bullshit like your bf is pulling.

Oh I totally didn't notice this part of the situation too!

It's not cool that your boyfriend has previous hang ups relating to his ex that he hasn't resolved before entering a new relationship.
Like, it's not that one has to be perfect before they can date someone else, but it's not okay to just be "missing the situation he was in with his ex" and you having to deal with that.

 

[LastFlowers]

Go.

He's really an as*hole.

As my wise dad once told me "once said, forever said" so, I couldn't ever get those words out of my mind and I would always have that conversation with my gf if I decide to stay with her.

Damn, so simple yet so true, that quote is the story of my life, or rather, my traumatic memories. It is amazing how many awful things have been said to me that have stuck inside my mind forever, to be replayed again and again, until I die, they can't be taken back, nor can they be retroactively morphed into something more palatable.
I have come to know immediately when a fresh statement will stay with me.
The stomach turning unpleasantness is unmistakably ingrained into the psyche.
Maybe if my situation miraculously changed for the better and I had a time machine, I could finally forget, but that's an impossibility.
The same could be said about some things I've said to others, though few and far between, I also do not forget the rare filth that I have expelled, luckily those who have been on the receiving end were and are far better off-with a thousand more privileges to dilute a minuscule foot-in-mouth moment from yours truly.
(Still, I wonder if they remain, and I worry.)

 

[MindFrog]

At first, I thought you should wait and see but now I realize it's really not worth the risk.

We dont even know if you're his rebound and its a finicky situation over all.

But it were me, I'd just try to find love somewhere else. Sometimes, its just not worth it. A relationship requires trust but you still have to prioritize yourself in the end.

 

[CloseTheBook]

At first, I thought you should wait and see but now I realize it's really not worth the risk.

We dont even know if you're his rebound and its a finicky situation over all.

But it were me, I'd just try to find love somewhere else. Sometimes, its just not worth it. A relationship requires trust but you still have to prioritize yourself in the end.

Thank you, this is amazing advice x

Since it's only casual for now, I would feel more comfortable leaving since there isn't much invested into the relationship at the moment.

If you feel he is still hung up on his ex (as it seems) then you should check out now if you don't want to seriously date him.

May I ask why you pressed him after he said no at first? Did it seem like he was dodging the question? I would also be worried that the relationship is a rebound, as @voidparadigm said, how long has it been since he left his ex? (If that's okay to ask).

This was my thought process too...if it's just casual at the moment it makes more sense to back out before it gets serious just in case he still has feelings for this ex.

At first he said 'not really' which to me isn't a no. Of course 'no' is what I wanted to hear. I knew that if he really didn't miss her, he would have said 'no', 'not at all' etc. He's normally really straight talking.

It's been about 4 years since that relationship ended (and of course it's ok to ask :) ).

Thank you for your reply x

Go.

He's really an as*hole.

As my wise dad once told me "once said, forever said" so, I couldn't ever get those words out of my mind and I would always have that conversation with my gf if I decide to stay with her.

This is very true. It'll always be in the back of my mind. Thank you for your wise words x

 

[TooConscious]

Well he's not out cheating is he?...unfortunately some people are just too honest and say 'silly' things, I'm sure there's some parts of your ex you miss but know that's not acceptable to say.

Much worse is happening people going behind their partners back slowly destroying them giving their information to others letting themself be used and abused then cry to you after trying to ruin your life.

If your boyfriend was this way inclined he would hide it better so I highly doubt he is.

 

[NumbItAll]

Maybe I'm just naive but I don't think it's bad to have feelings? However it may be a bigger problem that you don't seem to be on the same page as far as what you want in the relationship. I don't think that's automatically grounds for leaving though.

 

[UterEntonaur]

He is also now adamant that he does not miss his ex and just misses the situation he was in with her...

OK, unpopular opinion time cos I'm going to disagree with everyone that says to dump him, but....

Maybe your BF simply remembers the good times with his ex, but understands that she doesn't exist anymore/isn't the same person that he once knew, and that's why he truly has no interest in her and wants nothing to do with her.

Sometimes you do miss the memories (how you met, things you did, places you went, etc) more than the actual person.

 

[sourpink]

go.
it sounds like perhaps he has some shit to resolve, or maybe he simply misses the good times he and his ex shared.
or both.
sometimes people recall the good times more strongly than the bad times in a past relationship. or maybe he misses this ex and all the aspects of their relationship.
what bothers me about this is that you had to press him to get an honest answer. it would have been much healthier a response for him to say, "yes, I miss the good times we had and sometimes I still think about those times". that is ok, and it is to be expected. relationships can mean a lot, and people are allowed to miss the positives attached to a past relationship.
it sounds to me like he felt shame or guilt around discussing that with you. that is to me a red flag. if he isn't comfortable being honest with you about where he's currently at, that's not behavior you need to (or should) tolerate, and you deserve honesty and openness in any relationship.
you said your relationship with him is currently casual. my advice? either keep it casual if you can, or walk away. but either way, you need to set boundaries and make him aware honesty and open communication are necessary.
so I vote 'go'. not necessarily cut him out and never speak again, but definitely go in the sense that you probably need to intentionally distance yourself, and that could end up looking any number of ways. maybe you continue seeing each other casually, maybe you step back to a more platonic setting. but it does sound like he needs to process his feelings if he can't be upfront in the truth of them.

 

[Fragile]

It's completely natural to miss someone that you've been with for 6 years. I mean, unless they had the most toxic relationship ever, it would be weird if he didn't.

But the real issue is that he seems like the type of person who wants something serious, and you are questioning what you want with him while keeping it casual. Maybe he is telling the truth and just misses the good times rather than her, because I don't think that you are a rebound after 4 years of him being away from her.

This is something that you should talk with him, before either one of you gets too invested or too distant.