Discussion Bouncing between feeling suicidal and slight hope

[madbananas]

Does anyone else get this? But at the same time, I know the hope is futile cause it always has been in the past and this time things are even more royally effed up. So maybe it's not actual hope, it's just knowing that I won't be able to overcome my survival instinct, and the occasional non-depressive mood is tricking me into thinking I'm recovering.
tonight I feel more like giving up the fight. Have even started considering SN, but probably will most likely hang as I have the perfect tree and buying in packages will make my nosey man suspicious. It's almost less tiring and more freeing having a date set, even though I'm unlikely to go through with it because of survival instinct.

 

[Luchs]

I sort of feel you. My mood rapidly and randomly swings between "stand by the traintracks and wait for a train to finally do it" mood and "I'm basically god, I'm on top of the world" mood. It drives me crazy. If only the good moods would last longer, they most often stay for a day, or a week at most. They are followed by a week to about a month of depression.

 

[madbananas]

Does anyone else get this? But at the same time, I know the hope is futile cause it always has been in the past and this time things are even more royally effed up. So maybe it's not actual hope, it's just knowing that I won't be able to overcome my survival instinct, and the occasional non-depressive mood is tricking me into thinking I'm recovering.
tonight I feel more like giving up the fight. Have even started considering SN, but probably will most likely hang as I have the perfect tree and buying in packages will make my nosey man suspicious. It's almost less tiring and more freeing having a date set, even though I'm unlikely to go through with it because of survival instinct.

i also feel like I want to go back into self injury mode, but it will need to be on my legs.
as "attention seeking" as it probably sounds, I used to cut my arms when I was younger so people would see it and take me seriously because no one would listen to what I was saying when describing the pain I was in. Didn't really work though, people still just ignored me.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

yes, I definitely get this. I know that I have nothing to live for and yet I keep stopping myself from ctb.

 

[madbananas]

I sort of feel you. My mood rapidly and randomly swings between "stand by the traintracks and wait for a train to finally do it" mood and "I'm basically god, I'm on top of the world" mood. It drives me crazy. If only the good moods would last longer, they most often stay for a day, or a week at most. They are followed by a week to about a month of depression.

I never get to the feeling like god stage but I do feel like I can conquer the world and make changes for the better and my life has a purpose etc. Lol that would sound normal and healthy to a typical person but considering my pathetic life, thinking like that is a sign of hypomania.
Hugs. I also wish the good moods would last longer.

yes, I definitely get this. I know that I have nothing to live for and yet I keep stopping myself from ctb.

I feel like a child again and wish someone would save me, and then the reality hire that no one is going to save me but myself because I'm an adult. Yet nobody "saved" me when I was a child either so I guess I'm experiencing the effects of childhood trauma.
When I'm not in this mode, I actually feel way older than I am, which is strange but it's just how it is.

 

[Muri]

I feel like a child again and wish someone would save me, and then the reality hire that no one is going to save me but myself because I'm an adult. Yet nobody "saved" me when I was a child either so I guess I'm experiencing the effects of childhood trauma.
When I'm not in this mode, I actually feel way older than I am, which is strange but it's just how it is.

I relate to this so much.

I flip flop a lot too and I'm not sure why. It might be that I have a bucket list I really want to finish.

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I sort of feel you. My mood rapidly and randomly swings between "stand by the traintracks and wait for a train to finally do it" mood and "I'm basically god, I'm on top of the world" mood. It drives me crazy. If only the good moods would last longer, they most often stay for a day, or a week at most. They are followed by a week to about a month of depression.

This this is so me, i thought i was alone, but i relate to what you have written here.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

nobody "saved" me when I was a child either

nobody saved me as a child either. I know that as an adult I'm the only one who can save me and in some ways i save myself everyday by still being alive but it feels more like I'm continuing the punishment that he started. I don't want others to save me anymore, I don't want to save myself, I just want to find the courage to take the final step

 

[disabledandhopeless]

Yes I'm always alternating between the two...

 

[Covidblows]

I feel like a child again and wish someone would save me, and then the reality hire that no one is going to save me but myself because I'm an adult. Yet nobody "saved" me when I was a child either so I guess I'm experiencing the effects of childhood trauma.
When I'm not in this mode, I actually feel way older than I am, which is strange but it's just how it is.
[/QUOTE]
So this.... I wouldn't have put it so well. I feel this see-saw and have yet to commit one way or the other. The rescue is a great fantasy I don't indulge much in anymore.
Sorry to the poster I did the quote wrong. Forgive me I'm new and tech challenged :(

 

[Good4Nothing]

Yup, this is me, too. 2 weeks ago I was so ready to blow my brains out.
I had to quit a shitty job because of a shitty person, and took a shittier job for shittier pay.
Then a few days ago I got a job offer in my field for as much money as I wanted.
So I'm gonna see where this goes. I'm hopeful, but I know my luck too well; if life can fuck me, life will fuck me. It's only a matter of time...

 

[Soulless_Angel]

nobody saved me as a child either. I know that as an adult I'm the only one who can save me and in some ways i save myself everyday by still being alive but it feels more like I'm continuing the punishment that he started. I don't want others to save me anymore, I don't want to save myself, I just want to find the courage to take the final step

Yep this i can so relate too. Im currently trying to blog about my hell in the hope of having some closure, but saving ones self isnt in my list of things to do anytime soon

 

[Thatdude]

For me it's more of my situation. Like right now if a gun was on the table next to me, I would be acting out my exit plan. Sometimes even if a gun was next to me, I wouldn't. I can get into details on my life, but like others. There is moments where it looks like I might get out of the lifestyle I have (where a load of job listing open, I find a new way to make money, or whatever). And then after some time I find that isn't true. Not only that, due to events completely out of my control I am in a worst situation than before. I honestly hate myself for not getting it over with and ending this.

I need to stop thinking and just do it. But it's hard. It's hard to stop tricking myself in thinking things will work out. I'm so fucking desperate for a way out, that I'm looking at things and putting my hope in things I calculate that has between 0.5%-1% chance of being successful. Next week I will be pushing for something that most likely in no way will work out because of the low likely. But I don't have a choice since I done about everything else I can think of that isn't illegal.
When this flops, I hope I will make it my last failure. I hope to just end my suffering. And if it is a success. I hope I can find some happiness and stability

 

[madbananas]

I feel like a child again and wish someone would save me, and then the reality hire that no one is going to save me but myself because I'm an adult. Yet nobody "saved" me when I was a child either so I guess I'm experiencing the effects of childhood trauma.
When I'm not in this mode, I actually feel way older than I am, which is strange but it's just how it is.

So this.... I wouldn't have put it so well. I feel this see-saw and have yet to commit one way or the other. The rescue is a great fantasy I don't indulge much in anymore.
Sorry to the poster I did the quote wrong. Forgive me I'm new and tech challenged :(
[/QUOTE]
No worries! I'm not technically that great either haha.
im definitely sliding more to the ctb side now. I just want to end it all because people in my life don't care. I've been abandoned by the same people that literally promote And educate people on providing trauma-informed healthcare, so i will be writing a note and it will detail my reasons for ending it. I sound like a selfish douche, but so be it. I'm angry haha.

Yup, this is me, too. 2 weeks ago I was so ready to blow my brains out.
I had to quit a shitty job because of a shitty person, and took a shittier job for shittier pay.
Then a few days ago I got a job offer in my field for as much money as I wanted.
So I'm gonna see where this goes. I'm hopeful, but I know my luck too well; if life can fuck me, life will fuck me. It's only a matter of time...

It's so conflicting when life throws in a little joy I fall for it each time haha

 

[Covidblows]

If it's one thing I have learned about people, they let you down.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It's cool to be angry. Easier said then done but don't let humans get you there. Some are great but most are just shit. It's one thing when you have had enough to throw in the towel but on your terms. Don't let unworthy people influence the biggest decision of your life. Hang in there :)

 

[madbananas]

For me it's more of my situation. Like right now if a gun was on the table next to me, I would be acting out my exit plan. Sometimes even if a gun was next to me, I wouldn't. I can get into details on my life, but like others. There is moments where it looks like I might get out of the lifestyle I have (where a load of job listing open, I find a new way to make money, or whatever). And then after some time I find that isn't true. Not only that, due to events completely out of my control I am in a worst situation than before. I honestly hate myself for not getting it over with and ending this.

I need to stop thinking and just do it. But it's hard. It's hard to stop tricking myself in thinking things will work out. I'm so fucking desperate for a way out, that I'm looking at things and putting my hope in things I calculate that has between 0.5%-1% chance of being successful. Next week I will be pushing for something that most likely in no way will work out because of the low likely. But I don't have a choice since I done about everything else I can think of that isn't illegal.
When this flops, I hope I will make it my last failure. I hope to just end my suffering. And if it is a success. I hope I can find some happiness and stability

I too am in a situation which has been worse than ever before. I've been shown that no matter what people say, even if they have a duty of care, people will just ghost me sooner or later.
I sincerely hope you get the success you deserve next week let me know if you do!

 

[Philosykos]

I relate to this a lot, especially the feeling like a child part. My coping mechanism ever since early childhood was dreaming away to other places, make up my own reality and not exist in this world. And over the years, I've become very good at it. The realms of my imagination have become vast and my dreaming so real, that it can feel more real than the actual world. It's enticing me to go on and only when I'm in that realm or when I dream up scenarios from real world events do I get small moments wherein I feel like it's not that bad, life's worth living, I can go on. It's the times when I'm forced out of that world in my head and confronted with the brutal reality that I know my time is up and I should get on that bus. No one is coming to save me. No one can. No miracle is going to happen that will make everything suddenly okay. My mind won't stop self-criticising or -destructing. I cannot handle reality anymore. I know that living in a constant state of daydreaming is no way to live.

 

[Bct]

I could relate to you. There are just times when I'm feeling a slight hope but in the end it's mostly futile. Stupid survival instinct.

 

[madbananas]

I relate to this a lot, especially the feeling like a child part. My coping mechanism ever since early childhood was dreaming away to other places, make up my own reality and not exist in this world. And over the years, I've become very good at it. The realms of my imagination have become vast and my dreaming so real, that it can feel more real than the actual world. It's enticing me to go on and only when I'm in that realm or when I dream up scenarios from real world events do I get small moments wherein I feel like it's not that bad, life's worth living, I can go on. It's the times when I'm forced out of that world in my head and confronted with the brutal reality that I know my time is up and I should get on that bus. No one is coming to save me. No one can. No miracle is going to happen that will make everything suddenly okay. My mind won't stop self-criticising or -destructing. I cannot handle reality anymore. I know that living in a constant state of daydreaming is no way to live.

I totally get you with the daydreaming, and how it's been a coping mechanism since a child (I was and can still be, the same) try be kind to yourself about that (I know it's hard and a stupid phrase for me to use - hopefully you can appreciate my intention) as I don't know your situation, but in mine I had no choice but to daydream because my reality was too awful for me to cope with. This is a not so uncommon response to this kind of thing. The brain can only take so much hardships. So even if you can't be kind to yourself because your mind won't stop self-criticising, maybe write it down somewhere that your current situation which has developed from childhood, is not your fault.

I could relate to you. There are just times when I'm feeling a slight hope but in the end it's mostly futile. Stupid survival instinct.

Hugs. I wish your hope didn't turn out to be futile. If I didn't have survival instinct I would have been gone when I was 11. Life hasn't been constantly awful since then, but my hope also typically turns out to be futile too

 

[Bruces]

In my experience hope is just delayed disappointment

 

[lostangel]

Yes, that is me. I'm always stuck between dying and living.

 

[Whatsthepointanyway]

I too get these mood swings. I always say I'm not going to go until all hope is gone. I'd be interested though... Do you attempt recovery during the moments of hope? Therapy etc. I can never quite force myself too and sure enough, sooner or later I'm back to despair

 

[Bct]

Hugs. I wish your hope didn't turn out to be futile. If I didn't have survival instinct I would have been gone when I was 11. Life hasn't been constantly awful since then, but my hope also typically turns out to be futile too

Thanks, hugs for you too. Yeah, sometimes even hoping for a low bar, it still doesn't turn out as expected.

 

[madbananas]

I too get these mood swings. I always say I'm not going to go until all hope is gone. I'd be interested though... Do you attempt recovery during the moments of hope? Therapy etc. I can never quite force myself too and sure enough, sooner or later I'm back to despair

I don't attempt recovery anymore, I'm on a 2 year waiting list for psychotherapy (1 year left now). Resources are awful where I am from. Since I created this thread, I can't count how many times I've been in and out of hopelessness. Currently out of Hope the now. It's totally exhausting and I wish I were gone already.

 

[mediocre]

This is the story of my entire life..

 

[madbananas]

This is the story of my entire life..

It's horrible. I'm in the depressed and crying phase now, wanting to end it all but not having the material and lack of survival instinct to go through with it. Crying because I'm devastated that I've been abandoned by people I love while feeling hopeful that because I've been abandoned it has pushed me into a state where it feels easier than before to ctb.

 

[mediocre]

It's horrible. I'm in the depressed and crying phase now, wanting to end it all but not having the material and lack of survival instinct to go through with it. Crying because I'm devastated that I've been abandoned by people I love while feeling hopeful that because I've been abandoned it has pushed me into a state where it feels easier than before to ctb.

A lot of us here have experienced the same thing it's an endless cycle. So I feel for you

 

[madbananas]

A lot of us here have experienced the same thing it's an endless cycle. So I feel for you

thank you as horrible as it is and I don't wish it on anyone, there is something comforting about talking to people who have experienced the same

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

Me too, it is fucking exhausting. My brain is on fire all the time... I can't relax.

 

[madbananas]

Me too, it is fucking exhausting. My brain is on fire all the time... I can't relax.

yup, same here. Sorry you're also going through this. I feel like I'm on mental death row.