Born to die by my own hands

[hurb]

For me to ctb , it feels like it was written in the stars. Every tiny thing that makes my life more unbearable happened.
I can see it in the eyes of people around me, " if u r not gonna do anything u might as well ctb" and I agree with them. I never enjoyed nor wanted to do anything at all.
And yet I waited , I thought maybe with enough luck I could maybe live like the normal 9 to 5 worker and try to skip as much time as possible. But even then it didnt wanna work out. It kept getting more suffocating.
My dad knows that im suicidal he can see it in my eyes, but he simply cant do anything. He cant change my environment, he cant change my past , he cant go back and be a better father. He expects me to fight to try. But for what , there is no reason to try.
I think deep down i expect whenever he knocks on my door to pull up with a miracle that would be so good , it makes me wanna give life a chance. But all he does is remind me how rough and miserable life is.
He asked me to go therapy but i dont want to. Cause there is nothing to recover from. I dont think my mental illness is whats making me suicidal, im just fed up with my luck.

 

[Worndown]

You seem to be in a hole and do not know how to climb out.
Is there anything at all that interests you? Anything?
You need to do something. Go outside. Go to a library, park, store, coffe shop, anywhere. Breaking an unsuccessful routine is difficult, but possible.
Do something then contrmplate your problems and solutions.
You might not be long for this world, but if that is true, know why.