suacide
angel
- Sep 13, 2023
- 62
For once, what i want to ramble about isn't my mother or my grief. It's something I experienced over a long time while in school.
In my first years, around maybe 7, I was thin and pretty. I was popular at school and i got confessed to a lot and had lots of friends who'd just agree with things I'd say, maybe because of the way i looked? It stayed that way for a while, until one of the older girls at the hostel did something to me, me and my mom had to move out for unrelated reasons, and suddenly it was just us two so she ended up taking her frustrations out onto me.
Because of that, i started stress eating and by the time i was around 9, i got pretty chubby. I stayed that way for years and years.
No matter what people say, it does change how people treat you. People weren't as friendly off the rip, they made fun of me for basically nothing and while i still had friends, it was because of my personality and earnestly trying my best to always include others and stay non-argumentative. Even so, not everyone is nice and I'd get picked on by some people anyway.
In highschool things changed. I got taller so i looked thinner, and suddenly everyone was back to treating me like before, but with more mature emotions. Of course some people still picked on me, but it was nowhere near as much and a few others would defend me. That being said, i still got picked on for other reasons, and honestly some of the reasons were my fault. Being a kid that got treated the way I did at home day in and out warped my personality, I feel. I put on weight through this time again and as i did, my treatment socially got worse and worse until it was unbearable.
I started to go to school less and less, and I reclused. A lot happened, years elapsed, but eventually i did go to school again, just briefly. I'd been starving myself due to circumstances - ie: i had to live with someone that wasn't my mom and she just kinda. Forgot to feed me. So once again at least to the outer person, i was thin and pretty. But not quite thin enough. In conversation when talking about fat people by passing chance and I'd point out how I'm technically fat too, I'd get 'comforted' with phrases like "But you're the pretty kind of fat."
Looking back on it and at pictures of me from then, I wasn't fat at all. I had such a warped image of myself.
People liked me again. They were nice to me. Popular girls would go out of their way to come talk to me and invite me to things and i (still in the recluse headspace) would accept but end up never going. I got advised by them to 'not hang out with them' when referring to the group i kinda just naturally gravitated to. Nerds, more awkward looking kids. I'd get called out to in the hallways to talk and pulled into conversations. Touched casually, regarded well.
My best friend in that school period was a trans guy who liked all the same things i did and he was just a really awesome friend. Because of how he looked and ofc, being trans, he wasn't treated well and was one of the people i was advised to not get close to. I wish i could've gotten to know him better before i basically just… dropped off the map. I hope he's okay. I still think of him every once in a while.
My experience there wasn't bad at all. It was a good school, i think i was just too far gone with all my other life traumas and experiences, and eventually i dropped out entirely pretty much halfway. Ever since, i haven't been to school.
All this to say that I'm living proof that the way you look really does impact the human experience and it was kind of surreal to experience it both ways. Very disillusioning to watch it happen before your very eyes.
I miss those days though, in a way. I miss when people would speak to me gently and return my courtesy, even if their reasonings weren't coming from the same place mine were. It felt like a more gentle world that i didn't have to pay an invisible tax just to breathe in.
Does anyone else have similar experiences?
In my first years, around maybe 7, I was thin and pretty. I was popular at school and i got confessed to a lot and had lots of friends who'd just agree with things I'd say, maybe because of the way i looked? It stayed that way for a while, until one of the older girls at the hostel did something to me, me and my mom had to move out for unrelated reasons, and suddenly it was just us two so she ended up taking her frustrations out onto me.
Because of that, i started stress eating and by the time i was around 9, i got pretty chubby. I stayed that way for years and years.
No matter what people say, it does change how people treat you. People weren't as friendly off the rip, they made fun of me for basically nothing and while i still had friends, it was because of my personality and earnestly trying my best to always include others and stay non-argumentative. Even so, not everyone is nice and I'd get picked on by some people anyway.
In highschool things changed. I got taller so i looked thinner, and suddenly everyone was back to treating me like before, but with more mature emotions. Of course some people still picked on me, but it was nowhere near as much and a few others would defend me. That being said, i still got picked on for other reasons, and honestly some of the reasons were my fault. Being a kid that got treated the way I did at home day in and out warped my personality, I feel. I put on weight through this time again and as i did, my treatment socially got worse and worse until it was unbearable.
I started to go to school less and less, and I reclused. A lot happened, years elapsed, but eventually i did go to school again, just briefly. I'd been starving myself due to circumstances - ie: i had to live with someone that wasn't my mom and she just kinda. Forgot to feed me. So once again at least to the outer person, i was thin and pretty. But not quite thin enough. In conversation when talking about fat people by passing chance and I'd point out how I'm technically fat too, I'd get 'comforted' with phrases like "But you're the pretty kind of fat."
Looking back on it and at pictures of me from then, I wasn't fat at all. I had such a warped image of myself.
People liked me again. They were nice to me. Popular girls would go out of their way to come talk to me and invite me to things and i (still in the recluse headspace) would accept but end up never going. I got advised by them to 'not hang out with them' when referring to the group i kinda just naturally gravitated to. Nerds, more awkward looking kids. I'd get called out to in the hallways to talk and pulled into conversations. Touched casually, regarded well.
My best friend in that school period was a trans guy who liked all the same things i did and he was just a really awesome friend. Because of how he looked and ofc, being trans, he wasn't treated well and was one of the people i was advised to not get close to. I wish i could've gotten to know him better before i basically just… dropped off the map. I hope he's okay. I still think of him every once in a while.
My experience there wasn't bad at all. It was a good school, i think i was just too far gone with all my other life traumas and experiences, and eventually i dropped out entirely pretty much halfway. Ever since, i haven't been to school.
All this to say that I'm living proof that the way you look really does impact the human experience and it was kind of surreal to experience it both ways. Very disillusioning to watch it happen before your very eyes.
I miss those days though, in a way. I miss when people would speak to me gently and return my courtesy, even if their reasonings weren't coming from the same place mine were. It felt like a more gentle world that i didn't have to pay an invisible tax just to breathe in.
Does anyone else have similar experiences?
