iamalreadydead
Student
- Nov 25, 2022
- 138
ever since i was homeless I've had an issue where my back/body does not "un-tense" itself in bed, so sleep does not come without an insane amount of effort but even before that I've had an issue with this all over pain, there was a point a couple years ago where playing video games was even too much of an effort, i felt myself and my body and midsection ache and become tired from engaging in anything that used to make me happy. In the present i deal with a combination of both sensations, and normally it would be something i imagine people go to the doctors for, but this isn't real pain. Its not actual identifiable pain that i can prove is real since it doesnt "hurt" necessarily. It just hurts in a way that disturbs every part of my life. I also have brain issues, eye issues, just random shit that contributes to all these sensations that suck. Also life in general is bad, i dont relate to anyone, mostly pissed off at people close to me because theyre stupid and dont understand anything i fucking say, nothing i used to do to self soothe serves me anymore, drugs and alcohol make me sick and over/undereating doesnt comfort me anymore because food isnt interesting to me anymore and its too much effort and borderline painful to eat (teeth hurt, swallowing is uncomfortable and moving my body to be in a position to eat is painful.. but again this pain isn't legitimate, its in my head) and i dont know.. i want to die. But really scared of death, so i feel trapped because i know whatever happens afterwards would be a waste and i need to soak up as much time as i have here before going. I've completely learned my lesson ij the sense that i know inherently that no one gives a fuck and no one can help me and all of this shit is just chaotic suffering and weirdness and bullshit. So im venting here because its all i got. Whatever
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