donewithyourview
Member
- May 9, 2022
- 32
I'm not formally diagnosed, but body dysmorphic disorder pretty much affects every part of my life. I spend literal hours taking pictures of myself at every angle, and I have 3 separate mirrors in my room that I look at almost compulsively.
Here's the thing though: I don't actually logically think I'm as unattractive as I seem to myself. I'm no model, but I'm young and not unattractive, and people (both friends and strangers) call me cute on a regular basis. But every single picture of me looks twisted in my eyes. For a moment yesterday I felt like I could see my face the way others see me, but in a split second it twisted again, and I started to believe I was truly hideous. It was after getting a comment about how wide my face looks, and this person also asked about my weight (I'm not overweight but it kind of hit me, it's just East Asian bone structure). This is a really bizarre and terrifying disease, and it affects not only my views on my face, but on everything I create and touch. Even my own words sound grotesque and ugly and it makes me want to dig a hole into the ground and die.
Sorry if this is oversharing, there's just a lot on my mind right now regarding this. Every cell in my body is screaming at me to kill myself because I'm ugly, lol. It's just so embarrassing going out with people or having a birthday or some important event and having to tell everyone to delete any pictures or videos of you.
Here's the thing though: I don't actually logically think I'm as unattractive as I seem to myself. I'm no model, but I'm young and not unattractive, and people (both friends and strangers) call me cute on a regular basis. But every single picture of me looks twisted in my eyes. For a moment yesterday I felt like I could see my face the way others see me, but in a split second it twisted again, and I started to believe I was truly hideous. It was after getting a comment about how wide my face looks, and this person also asked about my weight (I'm not overweight but it kind of hit me, it's just East Asian bone structure). This is a really bizarre and terrifying disease, and it affects not only my views on my face, but on everything I create and touch. Even my own words sound grotesque and ugly and it makes me want to dig a hole into the ground and die.
Sorry if this is oversharing, there's just a lot on my mind right now regarding this. Every cell in my body is screaming at me to kill myself because I'm ugly, lol. It's just so embarrassing going out with people or having a birthday or some important event and having to tell everyone to delete any pictures or videos of you.
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