cemeteriesinlondon
little guy who's brain doesn't really work right
- Mar 6, 2023
- 8
i am so genuinely suicidal in a way I have not been in years. these meds fucked me up so bad and its because the medical system is so fucking fatphobic. I hate my med prescriber and my therapist and my parents and my boyfriend and my friends and everyone who had ever spoken to me. I am so cold inside that I wouldn't be surprised if I was decaying slowly from the inside out. I yearn for the safety and bliss of the honeymoon phase of a relationship. The false safety of being a child and having nothing to worry about. the joy of having a hobby. just ONE. I do nothing with my day. ive done nothing with my life. I am a pathetic shell of what a person is supposed to be. Im fat. I don't shower. I sleep all day. I don't have a job. I don't go to school. Im worthless!! I provide nothing to society. I wanna cut all my hair off and change myself as a person so drastically that I wouldn't recognize myself in a photo. I want to be a new person. I NEED to be a new person. I am not real and SHOULD not be real. I wish there was a way for me to start over from scratch. I don't really wanna die. I just want my life to feel like its livable. like it WORTH LIVING. I want the feeling of dread and pain out of my skin. I want the handprints that are forever cemented onto my body to have never been placed there in the first place. I want to look a way that is acceptable to the people around me. I want words that people say to not hurt me in the way that they do. I wish I could hold down a friend group. hell even ONE friend at this point. I have no one. I am truly alone in this world and it is a punishment bestowed upon me by some higher power over something that I must have done. im not really sure what it was but it must have been pretty fucking bad for my life to have gone the way it has. I am so sorry. whatever it was that I did. I am sorry. I repent. I sit down on my knees and I sing false prayers to a false God. I speak to him and ask for forgiveness that is really never going to come. I beg him to fix me. to make me whole. to make me redeemable. But i know its never going to happen. im just going to forever be me. and that is the worst punishment anyone could ever receive. and its a crippling pain that I really truly don't think anyone can understand. Its just one punch after the other and I just. wont. die. It feel like being just at the brink of death and never getting the sweet release of death. it feels like being so fucking close to a goal and never being able to climb that final mountain to get to it. I am not worth the things I am given and I am not worth a place on this earth. I am not worth the people who attempt to fix me. I am not worth the people who attempt to help. I am not worth the medical professionals who hate me. who judge me instead of help. I am not worth their time. I am not worth my parents suffering. I am not worth our debt. her trauma. his anger. I am not worth it. I am not worth my boyfriends suffering. I am not worth the space I take up in his life. I am not worth his love or praise. I am not even worth his anger or his violence. I am not worth death. I am not worth the friends I used to have or the friends who pretend to be here for me now. I am not worth anything. I am not worth the air I breath or the water I drink. I am a shell of a man and there is nothing to fill the void that resides inside myself. I am not worth life. I am not worth death. The only thing I deserve is the pain and the hardship that comes with trying to finish a narrative that is doomed to crash and burn. I am only worth floating forever in-between life and death and never really knowing true resolve. if I could find out what cones after death I would kill myself. I would kill myself in a heartbeat. But I am so cripplingly scared of death that im too much of a coward to even kill myself. I am too much of a coward to take the cowards way out. But I am also too much of a coward to live. I don't deserve what I have.I wish hospitalisation was a viable solution. I wish that the medical system wasn't so fucked and broken. I wish getting help ACTUALLY helped. I don't need any more stupid fucking pills I need EUTHANASIA. I don't need therapy. I don't need a diagnosis. I need to be let go. I need my soul to be able to leave the body that it us not meant to be in. I wish life loved me the way I love it. everything is so fucking beautiful except for me and my life. its so fucking exhausting. im exhausted. please someone put me out of my misery. someone please fucking help me. please. please help please. I am so lost. this might be the last time I can call out for help like this. this might be it. I don't know how much longer I can deal. im sorry.
