Homulily
Witch of the Mortal World
- Jun 1, 2023
- 50
i dont know how to feel. things got better for a bit but now its back to wanting to die. its always been there. eating away at me.
i barely know what i want anymore right now i just want to suffer. I hate thinking i hate myself i hate my body so much.
i hate my body so fucking much.
theres a lovely lovely girl who loves me and im so lucky for that and the idea of insulting her by not fixing my body is painful to me.
the call of my eating disorder drags me back down. but after staring for like ten minutes at a mirror it feels like i know what I need to do.
started cutting again. started starving myself again.
until the person in the mirror looks good enough for my girlfriend.
I don't want what happened in the past to happen again, i've been abused before by a previous partner who wanted me to lose weight in order to show me affection, and while im out of that they taught me so much about love and they taught me many many things i hold close to my heart so i don't make the mistakes they taught me
i've been too complacent with myself.
i hate myself.
i hate myself so fucking much.
i fantasize about dying with her so often, we're hopefully going to die together one day. whenever shes ready i'll happily go with her.
but i need to make sure i'm good enough first. I want to make sure i'm good enough.
I don't want to lose her, i love her so much but it feels like shes slipping away since i havn't been working hard to fix myself.
shes told me I don't need to do it, but I want to. I want to fix myself so i can be a good girlfriend to her.
I can't wait to be able to die with her. I hope she'll still love me by then.
she found me when i had nothing left but now i keep going because we have a pact. we have a pact to die together.
she told me that being with me though made her want to live for longer though, at least I think thats what she ment, It feels like attributing myself to that is putting to much praise on myself i'm sure its something else not me, not me I doubt i'm enough to do that.
since i'm still alive though i might as well make myself prettier since i don't want to lose her.
I want to make her happy. i love her. i want to die with her, i'm so grateful she wants to die with me, i'll wait as long as I need to until shes ready.
till then im gonna work hard to at least make myself decent to look at so she can see I love her
i barely know what i want anymore right now i just want to suffer. I hate thinking i hate myself i hate my body so much.
i hate my body so fucking much.
theres a lovely lovely girl who loves me and im so lucky for that and the idea of insulting her by not fixing my body is painful to me.
the call of my eating disorder drags me back down. but after staring for like ten minutes at a mirror it feels like i know what I need to do.
started cutting again. started starving myself again.
until the person in the mirror looks good enough for my girlfriend.
I don't want what happened in the past to happen again, i've been abused before by a previous partner who wanted me to lose weight in order to show me affection, and while im out of that they taught me so much about love and they taught me many many things i hold close to my heart so i don't make the mistakes they taught me
i've been too complacent with myself.
i hate myself.
i hate myself so fucking much.
i fantasize about dying with her so often, we're hopefully going to die together one day. whenever shes ready i'll happily go with her.
but i need to make sure i'm good enough first. I want to make sure i'm good enough.
I don't want to lose her, i love her so much but it feels like shes slipping away since i havn't been working hard to fix myself.
shes told me I don't need to do it, but I want to. I want to fix myself so i can be a good girlfriend to her.
I can't wait to be able to die with her. I hope she'll still love me by then.
she found me when i had nothing left but now i keep going because we have a pact. we have a pact to die together.
she told me that being with me though made her want to live for longer though, at least I think thats what she ment, It feels like attributing myself to that is putting to much praise on myself i'm sure its something else not me, not me I doubt i'm enough to do that.
since i'm still alive though i might as well make myself prettier since i don't want to lose her.
I want to make her happy. i love her. i want to die with her, i'm so grateful she wants to die with me, i'll wait as long as I need to until shes ready.
till then im gonna work hard to at least make myself decent to look at so she can see I love her
