Venting Bitterness

[Deleted member 1465]

I found out that my sister is coming up. She's spending a week in the Lakes. She's going to stop at my brothers on the way up overnight then on the way back too. My brother lives five doors down from me and doesn't have a spare room. I do.
I expect her to pop in to see me so she can have a go at me about how dirty MY house is. I don't clean it cus I'm a little busy dying. She'll have a go at me about that too, tell me it's all in my head.
They dumped me here alone and unable to cope after they sold my home and took their cut. Now they get angry at me cus I can't cope due to physical illness and pain.
I guess the cash was more important to them than me.
It makes me feel so bitter. I don't want to die hating those I should love.
Rant over.

 

[Rachel74]

Don't let her in. It's the new rule here, if you haven't been invited to come round then I won't let you in. Luckily we live in the middle of nowhere. I've even got like it with the phone if I don't know the number I ain't picking up.
If your house is dirty it's up to you it's your home unless they get that too when you die.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

She and my brother both have keys though they never asked me. She cleans the house it's her way of coping. They basically control my life but do little to help, though my brother has been bringing me food. If i piss them off then i get no food. I've considered telling her to fuck off but we used to be close and I still love her despite the resentment. She must resent me too for basically drinking myself to death.
*sigh* They will inherit this house. I dread to think how grim will be the mess that they find.

 

[Rachel74]

Wish someone would clean my house, my OCD as gone the other way and I now can't be arsed. I can see my mom now saying use a bloody coaster!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Come and clean my place Rach! That would give my sister a shock arriving to a clean house. I'd tell here the maid did it.

BTW don't remember if I mentioned I have ocd too. I used to be meticulously clean. Kills me to live in such squalor.

 

[Rachel74]

Come and clean my place Rach! That would give my sister a shock arriving to a clean house. I'd tell here the maid did it.

BTW don't remember if I mentioned I have ocd too. I used to be meticulously clean. Kills me to live in such squalor.

You did tell me!
My house isn't a shit pit, I've seen worse. I like watching horders on the TV I then realise mine ain't that bad.

Your sister would probably still inspect the dust and say she didn't do a good job!

 

[Deleted member 1465]

You did tell me!
My house isn't a shit pit, I've seen worse. I like watching horders on the TV I then realise mine ain't that bad.

Your sister would probably still inspect the dust and say she didn't do a good job!

Yes she would. My mum used to do that. I'd spend all day doing the garden so she wouldn't have to. She'd come out and go "oh you missed a bit ill just get a the clippers " aaarrrgggg! Bless her.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Saw her car outside my brothers house. She didn't even come in and say hi. I think she might on the way back.

I'm dreading her coming. She'll be nothing but judgemental. I just want my big sister to be there for me in my darkest time, not make me feel worthless and alone.

Feeling very weak and broken right now. I have a strong urge to do something stupid. I'm not sure I can even be bothered posting on ss. It seemed to help a little, to vent and to offer support, but I'm feeling too overwhelmed. Nothing else to distract me though.

 

[Rachel74]

Don't do anything until she comes back. Maybe she didn't want to bother you, I'm sure your brother as told her how you are. Remember normal people don't know how to treat or act around us. Don't do anything stupid.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm trying to make allowances. I'm just tapped out. So much suffering on this site. I'm starting to get why the docs don't help. They must be so exhausted from seeing all that suffering too. I've had enough.

 

[Rachel74]

Ignore me! I'm just tired and very angry right now.
Thinking of you U

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I would never wilfully ignore you Rachel.

 

[Sweet emotion]

I found out that my sister is coming up. She's spending a week in the Lakes. She's going to stop at my brothers on the way up overnight then on the way back too. My brother lives five doors down from me and doesn't have a spare room. I do.
I expect her to pop in to see me so she can have a go at me about how dirty MY house is. I don't clean it cus I'm a little busy dying. She'll have a go at me about that too, tell me it's all in my head.
They dumped me here alone and unable to cope after they sold my home and took their cut. Now they get angry at me cus I can't cope due to physical illness and pain.
I guess the cash was more important to them than me.
It makes me feel so bitter. I don't want to die hating those I should love.
Rant over.

I understand. You know my situation. I don't want to die hating those that I love either. It's an awful feeling isn't it? Every time I try to repair the relationship a little this specific person just gets angry with me again and today I just said to myself....ok it's over....it's broken and cannot be fixed. You're in so much pain and agony already. You don't need other people coming into your home and criticizing you and how you live your life. You're not able to live your life so if things are a little messy is it really that big of a deal? You should be the main concern right now. Not how your house looks. Sometimes my family gets so upset over the smallest things and it just makes me think, wow, all the problems I have and they're upset because they spilled a glass of water or something? I'm so sorry.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

She came she cleaned she judged. She didn't even ask how I was. She and my brother talked about other stuff and I retreated upstairs to roll around in pain for a bit. Then she got angry with me and left.
I'm grateful she cleaned. I can't understand what she expects though. I couldn't talk to her cus dispute the spite I feel I don't want to hurt her. She seems to feel no guilt over turfing me out of my home which has led to this decline.
I used to enjoy being alone when I was independent. Now it is the last straw.
Oh well SSDD