smeltingtheiron
meat-aholic
- Dec 17, 2023
- 17
I need to sleep but I feel so bitter again. I know this will probably sound supremely selfish, narcissistic, bitchy, and whiny but I hate that I feel so lonely and that nobody I know reaches out to me first. I have some internet friends but they never reach out to me. I always have to start the conversation, I always have to reach out, I always have to make the introduction and so on. I try and try and try so hard in putting effort in my socialbility but seldom do I get a message from them first. I'll watch my DMs on SNS and see friends online or that have recently posted and I get so bitter over the fact that they never make the first move. I keep my mental instability to myself, and I try to only share any deep feelings to the absolute minimum but even so I get so extremely and genuinely paranoid that they're intentionally ignoring me or secretly hate me to a near constant degree. Like they can sense that there's something wrong with me and I should be avoided. Which I wouldn't blame them because on the rare occasions I do have someone message me first I'll instinctively reply within seconds even if it is like 3:00AM which I'm sure irradiates "this person has no life, is mentally ill and is very clingy" which is 100% true. It doesn't help that when I re-connected with an old friend of mine who was worried about me after disappearing and I apologized and said I'd like to start anew they haven't contacted me since despite them being online constantly which is causing these depressive feelings to blossom tenfold. I'm paranoid that they're talking about me to others, that he's calling me a loser and screenshotting the things I said and joking with others about me. I feel so lonely and isolated 24/7 that I've fallen into the pit of constant maladaptive daydreaming of a really cringy, saccharine, and unrealistic fantasy of a better me in a different life who has nerdy friends into the same stupidly niche interests that want to talk to her 24/7, the kinds of friends who send stickers to each other in DMs while talking about nerdy hobbies and stay up late in calls while doing stuff like playing video games or drawing, friends who go out for coffee together and so on. I can't even read manga that has these things because then I just get so pissed off for the entire day so now my library is just nothing but horror, drama, and tragedies. It's so pathetic and it only spurs on my suicidal ideation for the hope of a "dice-roll". This desire has gotten so bad that when I used to work at a department store I could feel my soul leave my body when I'd witness a group of teenage girls come in together laughing and trying on clothes, talking about the latest and greatest, and stuff to the point I once had to take a spontaneous break in the toilets to re-collect myself because of how nauseous I became over the realization of what my life was and will be and what I missed out on and can't get back. It feels like my heart has become a bottomless pit and I know what I want is unrealistic and an merely a fantasy ideal. I know but I can't help it. I know it is ungrateful to say but I hate that I never got to experience friendship milestones like going to the mall and shopping with a group of friends my age, the closest I have to that is going out for lunch and then to the mall with my mother every so often as a "Girls Day Out". Which I can't help but think that my mother does this because she knows I don't have a social life otherwise. Which, now as a young adult, only makes me feel depressed afterwards because this only hammers in the fact that this is the extent of having a social life for me. Online friends and my mother. The gaps of between the "existence I live", "existence I can achieve", and the "existence I want" are so wide that I can't take it. I hate this. I hate feeling bitter constantly.
