Birthday's Coming Up

[KafkaF]

My birthday's coming up. And it's a birthday that I have been actively dreading for almost 10 years, and very much so the last 3 or 4 years.

Earlier in the year when I had a girlfriend I absolutely loved and felt I had a future with, she was planning to make that birthday something fun for me. That was kind of my only hope. I might be hitting that birthday that I had dreaded for a long time, but at least my girlfriend would make it better and I knew hitting this birthday that I had a future with her.

Well, my girlfriend unexpectedly broke up with me in October. And so now I'm going to hit the worst birthday I've ever hit on my own. I have no one and nothing. No more girlfriend I love (instead I miss her constantly), no job, no house, no money, no achievements, no nothing.

I'm just going to get to spend my birthday sitting at my desk and being depressed. Probably browsing through Reddit or Twitter. The best part is probably going to be eating a cake alone while sitting in the dark. And oh yeah, I get to miss my girlfriend so much I want to cry, probably.

Not gonna lie, I had been thinking for years that I would never see this birthday. Last year I almost ended things many times. But my previous girlfriend came into my life and gave me a will to fight and a desire to have a future with her.

Now I just wish I had been able to end it before it came up.

God, I hate life.

For the record, I've thought about still ending it before then but there's a couple of problems with that. The first is that my method isn't ready and probably won't be for a while. The second is that I'm still in the stage of having to overcome my fear of death. And the third is that, while I'm almost 100% sure I want this, I don't want to rush into it just to not see a particular date either. I want to kill myself, yes, but I want to do it in a way that I've thought through rather than rushed into.

That being said, this birthday is going to be one of the worst in my life, probably. And hopefully the last one in my life.

Although on that last note, if she had to break up with me... I wish it had been a few weeks from now. Then at least my last birthday alive could've been happy.

 

[zeevo]

Hey man, I obv don't know your whole situation but I also lost my gf recently and yesterday was my bday. I also spent it alone, treated it like a regular day. Only advice I feel I can give is don't make an attempt until you've taken care of what you're leaving behind, you don't wanna have regrets in your last moments. I hurt for you man, hope you're able to deal with things until you don't have to

 

[KafkaF]

Hey man, I obv don't know your whole situation but I also lost my gf recently and yesterday was my bday. I also spent it alone, treated it like a regular day. Only advice I feel I can give is don't make an attempt until you've taken care of what you're leaving behind, you don't wanna have regrets in your last moments. I hurt for you man, hope you're able to deal with things until you don't have to

Taking care of stuff isn't really what bothers me. There's nothing much to bother with. I basically own nothing and have no one. So there isn't much to worry about in that respect. But it IS a permanent decision and I want to make sure that I'm making the right one. I'm 99% sure but I'd like to feel completely confident and comfortable about it. Or at least as much as I can. And I think I still have some work to do in that department. It is getting easier to come to terms with that I'll be gone day by day, but it's still a struggle. And I also don't want to screw it up. If I use another method than what I have planned it'd probably be more painful and have a higher risk of failure, and I don't want to screw up my death. I already screwed up all of my life. I'd like to not screw up this one little thing if I can help it, at least.

 

[zeevo]

That seems like a good way of looking at it. I really can't give you any advice regarding whether or not you should continue living but it's definitely a good idea to take your time to think about it.

 

[TooConscious]

Some people have had nothing but shit birthdays. Make your life in a way you can respect yourself and not rely on some stupid linear date, let's just say you're 30. It's not even 30 years ago you were born given the time and day manipulations. It's all bullshit.