Venting Birthday

[Tarucest]

Well my birthday is coming up (may 31st)
For as long as i can remember i was like this.
My first attempt was at 13. and then every year after I tried again and again. Last year I tried twice and ended up with a fucked up liver and a bunch of stitches/staples. Ive been in the mental hospital 4 times before my 18th
I don't know what to do anymore, today i just fucked up my only friendship because of my cbt thoughts and i think that was the only thing stringing me on. not making me commit to anything "drastic" but now that they don't wanna talk to me i feel so out of it. Its like im free in the worst way possible.
Before now i had no one and i could cbt without any consequences but now that hes gone i cant go on.
I cant get my hands on anything because im always monitored by my parents. My money gets taken in case I buy anything. Everything is locked up except the gun (which im trying to learn how to load) but I don't think there's anything in it
God i feel pathetic compared to everyone else on here. Id like maybe an encouraging word or two? Ive never felt so empty before and I just need one person to reassure me that im making the right call. Maybe Im just over exaggerating
tdk

 

[nozomu]

Hi there, I'm sorry to you're struggling so much. How old are you now?

 

[Ultracheese]

I'm so sorry you've been feeling suicidal for this long. I've never been to a mental hospital before, but I imagine going there, especially four times before you're 18, must be terrifying. I'm sorry that you lost your friend too. If they don't want to stand by you while you're feeling suicidal, then they're a lousy excuse for a friend.

None of us here can make the decision for you to CTB. That's something you will have to decide for yourself. But if you're feeling unsure, then it's a good idea to not make any decisions. You mentioned that your parents monitor everything you do, and if you attempt to CTB and fail then it's likely you could end up in the mental hospital again.

Sometimes I feel really pathetic here compared to a lot of people on this site since I feel they're smarter and more interesting than I am. But I assure you that everyone here is just a person like you who is struggling. And we are all here if you ever need someone to talk to or support of any kind.

So main points of advice to take away from this post: 1. Don't do anything unless you're sure of it 2. Be safe and 3.SS is a safe community for you to express yourself and hopefully find some other like-minded people who will be there for you whatever you decide on doing.

 

[Tarucest]

Hi there, I'm sorry to you're struggling so much. How old are you now?

im turning 20 soon so currently 19

I'm so sorry you've been feeling suicidal for this long. I've never been to a mental hospital before, but I imagine going there, especially four times before you're 18, must be terrifying. I'm sorry that you lost your friend too. If they don't want to stand by you while you're feeling suicidal, then they're a lousy excuse for a friend.

None of us here can make the decision for you to CTB. That's something you will have to decide for yourself. But if you're feeling unsure, then it's a good idea to not make any decisions. You mentioned that your parents monitor everything you do, and if you attempt to CTB and fail then it's likely you could end up in the mental hospital again.

Sometimes I feel really pathetic here compared to a lot of people on this site since I feel they're smarter and more interesting than I am. But I assure you that everyone here is just a person like you who is struggling. And we are all here if you ever need someone to talk to or support of any kind.

So main points of advice to take away from this post: 1. Don't do anything unless you're sure of it 2. Be safe and 3.SS is a safe community for you to express yourself and hopefully find some other like-minded people who will be there for you whatever you decide on doing.

Thank you

 

[nozomu]

im turning 20 soon so currently 19

Thank you

You're so young, I'm really sorry you're overwhelmed but we're here for you! Keep sharing your feelings here and we will do our best to support you.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so horrific to me failing ctb, that is exactly what I fear and it sounds so awful what you've been through. Other people really should have no right to try to force people to stay here and restrict methods from them, none of us should have to feel so trapped in this cruel world. But anyway I wish you the best.