Bipolar Delusions

[Poptart]

I suffer from Bipolar 1. The last manic episode I had caused me to experience intense delusions.

Has anyone else experienced this? If so can you describe it?

 

[mathieu]

I'm not sure whether my current diagnosis is bipolar (it was for a number of years in the past) or schizoaffective disordeer, bipolar type. It got changed because I had delusions outside of a manic episode. The delusions shifted and changed a lot so there's a lot to describe. Most of the time they were frightening, paranoid type delusions, although for a short while they were grandiose like manic delusions.

They were fed by ideas of reference. I got messages from the TV, radio, music, newspaper, books. I just saw a lot of things and thought they were talking about me in a veiled, coded way. I thought every movie, every book, every song, every newspaper article etc. was about me. At times I thought I was the reborn Christ with miraculous powers. At times I thought I was in some kind of matrix like simulation. Maybe asleep or comatose and dreaming. Mostly I thought there were cameras everywhere and I was being recorded and broadcast. I thought my family were all actors, not really related to me.

The messages I was getting were often very hostile and scary. I thought something very bad will happen to me. One idea was that I would be blinded and kept in a little cage and tortured for ever. I was hospitalised and felt that the other patients were talking about me and all the art pictures on the wall were related to me too. It took a long time to get better and I've never been 100% since then. The antipsychotic meds made me gain weight which I've only managed to lose some, not all of it but I keep taking them because the experience was so frightening. I don't want to go that crazy again. It was probably triggered by me going off all my meds at once, cold turkey. Lithium, antipsychs, benzos and antidepressants.

I had a similar but not quite as bad experience when I was 17 and I smoked meth for two months. I thought my friends were all trying to kill me and that there were cameras secretly recording me. But that time I didn't think it was a global conspiracy, just a few people.

The fact of not being able to be completely free of all this makes me want to die even more. I partly believe that I am just in a simulation and killing myself will mean I wake up to the true reality. I still see messages, particularly in music.

 

[Poptart]

I'm not sure whether my current diagnosis is bipolar (it was for a number of years in the past) or schizoaffective disordeer, bipolar type. It got changed because I had delusions outside of a manic episode. The delusions shifted and changed a lot so there's a lot to describe. Most of the time they were frightening, paranoid type delusions, although for a short while they were grandiose like manic delusions.

They were fed by ideas of reference. I got messages from the TV, radio, music, newspaper, books. I just saw a lot of things and thought they were talking about me in a veiled, coded way. I thought every movie, every book, every song, every newspaper article etc. was about me. At times I thought I was the reborn Christ with miraculous powers. At times I thought I was in some kind of matrix like simulation. Maybe asleep or comatose and dreaming. Mostly I thought there were cameras everywhere and I was being recorded and broadcast. I thought my family were all actors, not really related to me.

The messages I was getting were often very hostile and scary. I thought something very bad will happen to me. One idea was that I would be blinded and kept in a little cage and tortured for ever. I was hospitalised and felt that the other patients were talking about me and all the art pictures on the wall were related to me too. It took a long time to get better and I've never been 100% since then. The antipsychotic meds made me gain weight which I've only managed to lose some, not all of it but I keep taking them because the experience was so frightening. I don't want to go that crazy again. It was probably triggered by me going off all my meds at once, cold turkey. Lithium, antipsychs, benzos and antidepressants.

I had a similar but not quite as bad experience when I was 17 and I smoked meth for two months. I thought my friends were all trying to kill me and that there were cameras secretly recording me. But that time I didn't think it was a global conspiracy, just a few people.

The fact of not being able to be completely free of all this makes me want to die even more. I partly believe that I am just in a simulation and killing myself will mean I wake up to the true reality. I still see messages, particularly in music.

Thank you for sharing. My experience was similar to yours.

It clicked one day I was the best person in the world. My self esteem went sky high. That escalated into me thinking God was sending messages into my brain. I thought I had special powers and was a vessel for higher beings.

God was telling me I was too good for my job. I had to quit and start growing vegetables in my spare bedroom using a hydroponic system. Also, i needed to make a primitive fence out of sticks to house a sacred goat. Also, I had dozens of business ideas that were going to change the world. I spent almost every dime on things I didn't need or want now.

Then I started to get really paranoid. I became convinced that people werent real. They were moving dolls sent to test me.

I remember standing in the middle of walmart completely frozen and seething with rage at every "mannequin" that passed by.

I was a preschool teacher and even the toddlers I worked with made me feel like they were just dolls sent by god to test me. I felt scared and alone and just wanted to end it.

Sometimes when I reflect back I wonder if God was actually sending me messages. My brain was so much on fire, i can't properly explain how energized my thoughts were. It was like they were going so fast they were being implanted in my mind. Now I know it was just bipolar.

Still, some days I feel like going off my medication so i can "receive messages" but ultimately I'm terrified of the paranoia.

Im on lithium, vraylar, lamictal, wellbutrin, and effexor.

I have gained at least 15 pounds. And i have lithium acne all over my face.

I feel so unattractive. But its worth it not to lose my mind.