Red
Warlock
- Apr 10, 2019
- 744
I think there's something wrong with me.
I can't seem to be a real person no matter hard I try to be kind, tolerant, understanding. My feelings are irrelevant, my presence not required, my intentions always assumed to be malicious.
Before I even got going, my mother abandoned me and left me with a narcissistic, resentful father. He physically and emotionally abused me for 17 years. He pinned me down and tortured me, blamed me for the bus being late, burned me with hot teaspoons when he was making tea. One of my earliest memories is of my cousin wrongfully claiming to him that I was "smacking lips" when eating cereal - my father stormed up to me and slapped me round the head, sending half-chewed cereal flying across the room. Once other kids worked out that I had no backup, I would get blamed for others' wrongdoings and struggle to prove my innocence, more often than not taking a harsher punishment for not owning up.
It didn't get any better growing up - my "friends" in early adulthood seemed not to want me around, they'd gossip behind my back and make up reasons to leave me out.
I've had three major boyfriends (lasting years; 10, 2.5 and 7so far) - every single mother-in-law has outright hated me, as have the sisters, for some reason. The boyfriends have all been unfaithful and secretly resentful, despite urges to raise any problems as and when they arise.
My family are all Cluster B types; narcissistic, histrionic, spiteful. Interactions have to be managed with extreme caution - a level of care that they themselves are not willing to reciprocate. My father told me when I gave birth to my child that he only loved me when I was 5, and that was only because I "was so persistent". My stepmother conversationally said to me, "Y'know I don't think I'd be as upset if something happened to you as I would be if it happened to my REAL kids". Nice.
But it was okay, I got by, I was trying to get fulfilment out of life by improving skills, making my time enjoyable by simply ignoring the bile and selfishness spewing out of people. Friendly with workmates but not overly social with them. A couple of close(ish) friends, some acquaintances, dysfunctional but kinda close family... It was ok. I ran errands, visited people, went to work, did my hobbies. It was actually ok.
But now I'm sick. Been really sick for about 4 years now, and the docs haven't found a proper diagnosis yet. I'm sooo tired and in a LOT of pain pretty much all the time, so slowly my interaction with the world has had to diminish; not able to work, can't go visiting, can't run errands anymore. Hobbies don't really get a look in - either I'm too unwell or guilty for taking time for myself when feeling up to it.
It's not all completely invisible either - they've seen me and my sheets soaked through with sweat, heard me vomiting and crying, seen me struggle to walk. I have xrays and scans that show abnormal growths in my bones and spinal cord. I have lymph nodes (like grapes!) easily felt all over my body. I'm still having tests and scans on a regular basis, just no solid diagnosis that explains it all.
Yet they don't believe me. I get sideways glances, scrutiny while I struggle to shuffle the "only 1 mile walk!" through London that my partner's family (and I would've, a few years ago!) enjoyed so much. That I said beforehand I would struggle with. "It CAN'T be THAT bad!", as the tears rolled down my face, like I'd bawl in public just to be "lazy" lol I was actually bed bound for days after, but of course they didn't see that...
Behind my back, some of the closest people to me have outright called me a malingerer.
Nobody comes to visit. They don't offer to help out. They don't even ask me how I'm doing anymore. If I'm around them and struggling, no concern is apparent. Friends and family alike all fell away when I could no longer do favours or maybe it was just the simple fact that it was MY body (not even me! I have not control!) dictating if and when we could do something, not them fitting me into their schedule (I was always so flexible).
The last message in each conversation is usually mine.
Trying so hard to be indifferent to the indifference, but it's just everywhere. I've tried various places online but don't really seem to be able to make any real connections, I just end up being the listener, the one to dole out advice and talk about their lives. Once it comes to my life and problems, the line goes dead or they're suddenly busy.
IDK. I'd hoped for so much more. Even after adjusting expectations for fear I'd set them far too high, the balance always seems way out of whack. People have a weird tendency to overvalue what they give and undervalue what they receive - I'm hoping really hard that I'm not doing that. There is room for it to be worse, so I'm very grateful for everything that I do have, what little of that there is. I hope I'm judging it correctly - I don't feel all puffed-up and indignant or anything lol
I know the world isn't completely cold and indifferent, but I'm struggling to find some good right now. I see it, but only from afar. It warms my heart enormously to witness but makes me a little sad inside that I do not experience it myself.
I don't blame the world, or the people in it -the common element in all this is me. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me so I could fix it (both physically AND mentally).
So BIG UP to all the other alien-feeling mofo's out there. The world never wanted us and it just LOVES letting us know...
Just wish it'd shut up every now and then.
I can't seem to be a real person no matter hard I try to be kind, tolerant, understanding. My feelings are irrelevant, my presence not required, my intentions always assumed to be malicious.
Before I even got going, my mother abandoned me and left me with a narcissistic, resentful father. He physically and emotionally abused me for 17 years. He pinned me down and tortured me, blamed me for the bus being late, burned me with hot teaspoons when he was making tea. One of my earliest memories is of my cousin wrongfully claiming to him that I was "smacking lips" when eating cereal - my father stormed up to me and slapped me round the head, sending half-chewed cereal flying across the room. Once other kids worked out that I had no backup, I would get blamed for others' wrongdoings and struggle to prove my innocence, more often than not taking a harsher punishment for not owning up.
It didn't get any better growing up - my "friends" in early adulthood seemed not to want me around, they'd gossip behind my back and make up reasons to leave me out.
I've had three major boyfriends (lasting years; 10, 2.5 and 7so far) - every single mother-in-law has outright hated me, as have the sisters, for some reason. The boyfriends have all been unfaithful and secretly resentful, despite urges to raise any problems as and when they arise.
My family are all Cluster B types; narcissistic, histrionic, spiteful. Interactions have to be managed with extreme caution - a level of care that they themselves are not willing to reciprocate. My father told me when I gave birth to my child that he only loved me when I was 5, and that was only because I "was so persistent". My stepmother conversationally said to me, "Y'know I don't think I'd be as upset if something happened to you as I would be if it happened to my REAL kids". Nice.
But it was okay, I got by, I was trying to get fulfilment out of life by improving skills, making my time enjoyable by simply ignoring the bile and selfishness spewing out of people. Friendly with workmates but not overly social with them. A couple of close(ish) friends, some acquaintances, dysfunctional but kinda close family... It was ok. I ran errands, visited people, went to work, did my hobbies. It was actually ok.
But now I'm sick. Been really sick for about 4 years now, and the docs haven't found a proper diagnosis yet. I'm sooo tired and in a LOT of pain pretty much all the time, so slowly my interaction with the world has had to diminish; not able to work, can't go visiting, can't run errands anymore. Hobbies don't really get a look in - either I'm too unwell or guilty for taking time for myself when feeling up to it.
It's not all completely invisible either - they've seen me and my sheets soaked through with sweat, heard me vomiting and crying, seen me struggle to walk. I have xrays and scans that show abnormal growths in my bones and spinal cord. I have lymph nodes (like grapes!) easily felt all over my body. I'm still having tests and scans on a regular basis, just no solid diagnosis that explains it all.
Yet they don't believe me. I get sideways glances, scrutiny while I struggle to shuffle the "only 1 mile walk!" through London that my partner's family (and I would've, a few years ago!) enjoyed so much. That I said beforehand I would struggle with. "It CAN'T be THAT bad!", as the tears rolled down my face, like I'd bawl in public just to be "lazy" lol I was actually bed bound for days after, but of course they didn't see that...
Behind my back, some of the closest people to me have outright called me a malingerer.
Nobody comes to visit. They don't offer to help out. They don't even ask me how I'm doing anymore. If I'm around them and struggling, no concern is apparent. Friends and family alike all fell away when I could no longer do favours or maybe it was just the simple fact that it was MY body (not even me! I have not control!) dictating if and when we could do something, not them fitting me into their schedule (I was always so flexible).
The last message in each conversation is usually mine.
Trying so hard to be indifferent to the indifference, but it's just everywhere. I've tried various places online but don't really seem to be able to make any real connections, I just end up being the listener, the one to dole out advice and talk about their lives. Once it comes to my life and problems, the line goes dead or they're suddenly busy.
IDK. I'd hoped for so much more. Even after adjusting expectations for fear I'd set them far too high, the balance always seems way out of whack. People have a weird tendency to overvalue what they give and undervalue what they receive - I'm hoping really hard that I'm not doing that. There is room for it to be worse, so I'm very grateful for everything that I do have, what little of that there is. I hope I'm judging it correctly - I don't feel all puffed-up and indignant or anything lol
I know the world isn't completely cold and indifferent, but I'm struggling to find some good right now. I see it, but only from afar. It warms my heart enormously to witness but makes me a little sad inside that I do not experience it myself.
I don't blame the world, or the people in it -the common element in all this is me. I just wish I knew what was wrong with me so I could fix it (both physically AND mentally).
So BIG UP to all the other alien-feeling mofo's out there. The world never wanted us and it just LOVES letting us know...
Just wish it'd shut up every now and then.
