Big post/ Honest update.

[Livingvsdying25]

im going to be updating this as thoughts come along....

I have to be honest with myself im that even within all my reaching out and talking....
The idea and concept of recovery disgust me like the concept of accepting all the shit in life as my own and taking it to heal and live with and "accept" DISGUSTS ME.

Im in this life rn to die. I've honestly been trying sooo hard since last to step out enough to step up in life.

Its so hard!!!! Its not what I want!!! Its what I have to do to get to where i reallly want.

'Where i really want" gets mixed up soo often. I dunno...



2. I haven't felt really heard and supported since... awhile and the last place i felt it was here...

Which all im all.makes.me.feel guilty like im.just leading a self fulfilling prophecy... but im just acknowledging how I feel..

Everyday i try and have tried to live... im in a shitty place environmentally again and im.getting tired... I was never in this to win this.

I have to get by if I dont wanna end rhis violently .. I dunno how much i ahouls or can qait tho honestly..


(Excuse my writing hope u can read.)
Also question to anyone that reads this far: How have you been fulfilling social needs and stuff?

Ive talked to people seen some people but not much real connecting and its kinda driving me... I miss feeling supported and connected even if its was online :/

 

[Zappfe lover]

im going to be updating this as thoughts come along....

I have to be honest with myself im that even within all my reaching out and talking....
The idea and concept of recovery disgust me like the concept of accepting all the shit in life as my own and taking it to heal and live with and "accept" DISGUSTS ME.

Im in this life rn to die. I've honestly been trying sooo hard since last to step out enough to step up in life.

Its so hard!!!! Its not what I want!!! Its what I have to do to get to where i reallly want.

'Where i really want" gets mixed up soo often. I dunno...



2. I haven't felt really heard and supported since... awhile and the last place i felt it was here...

Which all im all.makes.me.feel guilty like im.just leading a self fulfilling prophecy... but im just acknowledging how I feel..

Everyday i try and have tried to live... im in a shitty place environmentally again and im.getting tired... I was never in this to win this.

I have to get by if I dont wanna end rhis violently .. I dunno how much i ahouls or can qait tho honestly..


(Excuse my writing hope u can read.)
Also question to anyone that reads this far: How have you been fulfilling social needs and stuff?

Ive talked to people seen some people but not much real connecting and its kinda driving me... I miss feeling supported and connected even if its was online :/

Never been much of a social creature. Even talking on the internet used to be a giant hassle (I got my first computer when I was 2, but my first time actually interacting with people online was when I was 18).

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

Also question to anyone that reads this far: How have you been fulfilling social needs and stuff?

I haven't, really. I've been isolating myself more and more. I've tried to reach out to a few people, but they start to isolate themselves from me. If I'm going to ctb someday, maybe it's best to have as few "friends" as possible. Fewer people to hurt.