Beyond “why?”

[Taki]

I see a lot of threads asking if people want to kill themselves because of illness, or a broken heart, or poverty, or addiction. I find that I can no longer see the reason but will still proceed.

For me—maybe many others too—there's just an accumulation of things in the past, leading to a complete loss of hope and an indifference to staying alive. Hopelessness isn't a past event, a person, a tumour, a memory. It's a kind of second sight, a glimpse into the future and a realization—a very calm one I think—that there's no reason to continue. When I saw this earlier this year, it was like a voice that switched from being fearful and erratic, to one that was totally clear and perfectly argued, almost a revelation.

There are folk myths all around the world about how those at the brink of death have a sudden moment of prophetic insight. That may not be real, but now I understand the origin of that myth.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I agree, it's certainly a Lifelong accumulation of things for me - def can't point to one single factor - that's why it's hard to answer why- it's not physical, I don't have a "diagnosis", I'm not (or rather wasn't) isolated & I don't even hve that perceived feeling of being "a burden" that they so often cite in suicidal reasoning. The main person I'm a burden too is myself tbh. Hopelessness in the present & for the future are key factors - and I believe they are very real, considered & rational- not the construct of a troubled mind. It is as you say simply "life", I take no pleasure in it any more- it's no longer a gift but sadly feels more like a curse. I doubt that anything or anyone could change my mind about that now.

 

[Weakling666]

Certainly agree with both of you. I like the idea of it being a revelation. In the past, I've attempted ctb, and failed. More times than I will admit. Each time was erratic, gut-wrenching and painful to deal with now in life. However, I've come to a realization that it's a beautiful thing that shouldn't be rushed, and this "Hopelessness" gives me great comfort to know that I finally have accepted my outcome. No matter the joy or pain I experience now or in the future, I finally have a goal that will stop it all.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

I can point out the main event that began this state for me but yeah, in conclusion there were multiple reasons before and after that event. I don't even know, I guess this is the aftermath of all the abuse I've received in my childhood and teen years from peers, parents and even some teachers. Add it up uo living in an unsafe neighbourhood in a shithole town and a shithole corrupted country.
The game isn't fun to play anymore and I want to quit. I don't want to spend the next 50-70 years isolated in a drpressing appartement thinking about the past mistakes.
I'm intending to reset the timeline, maybe I'll wake up as a 12 year old again.

 

[Taki]

I can point out the main event that began this state for me but yeah, in conclusion there were multiple reasons before and after that event. I don't even know, I guess this is the aftermath of all the abuse I've received in my childhood and teen years from peers, parents and even some teachers. Add it up uo living in an unsafe neighbourhood in a shithole town and a shithole corrupted country.
The game isn't fun to play anymore and I want to quit. I don't want to spend the next 50-70 years isolated in a drpressing appartement thinking about the past mistakes.
I'm intending to reset the timeline, maybe I'll wake up as a 12 year old again.

Interesting, 12 is when things seemed to start going wrong for me too.

 

[waterbottleman]

I know why I want to leave life, I have a couple of reasons that all contribute to my suicidal ideation:

1. I have no purpose to live, life seems meaningless. Work go to bed, work go to bed, hobby here and there to fill up time. That's it? This is life? Wow that sucks and is a huge disappointment.

2. I've been single my entire adult life and I'm almost 30. The opposite sex has no interest/attraction to me whatsoever. I'm a ghost as far as they are concerned. This has made me lonely and miserable and has left scars on my heart that I feel are permanent and will never go away. I know I'm not just unloveable, no one is even remotely attracted enough to me to flirt or have casual sex with me. No one can understand how this feels unless they've gone through it themselves, how crushing it is to your heart to have no romance/sex life whatsoever for over a decade. to feel like a ghost your whole life.

3. i don't enjoy or get pleasure from anything anymore due to years of depression. It's as if I'm dead on the inside, life has no color anymore. This contributes to point number 1. If I not only have no higher purpose in life but in addition I can't even enjoy the pleasures in life, the hedonistic side of life, can't even enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, what is there to live for? There is literally nothing to look forward to.

4. My depression has destroyed my ability to concentrate and focus on anything. The only thing I've ever been good at in life is academics. I went to an Ivy League university and studied mathematics and earned high marks. But even that gift has been taken away from me because of my depression after leaving college and seeing just how boring and mundane the work world is like.

The only thing I have going for me in my life is my physical health, I'm financially stable, I'm fairly wealthy for my age, and I have loving/supportive parents. Also I don't have any kids (I consider that a positive, I never want to have any kids) and one positive thing from being single is that I haven't become jaded from broken relationships or marriages.

It's debatable to me what is worse, to be a virgin loser who is ghost to the opposite sex like me, or to have been able to experience love, romance, and sex in life only to have been disappointed by it, only to have relationships/marriages ruined and for your trust in people/relationships to be tarnished and perhaps be jaded for the rest of your life. I have sympathy for people who have gone through this and I honestly don't know whether I'd be willing to trade places with them, I'm not sure if the pros outweigh the cons. It's often difficult to judge things yourself until you have experienced them.

In summary I'm alive but haven't been living. So many people take love, sex, attention, validation, and intimacy for granted. They have no idea how lucky they are to be attractive to anybody at all. I cant tell you the last time I got a hug from the opposite sex besides from a coworker leaving or from family members (those don't count since those are just platonic hugs), I can't tell you the last time I was flirted with, I can't tell you the last time I've received a single compliment about my physical appearance. I do remember the last time I had any intimate/sexual contact though, it was in high school which was 10 years ago.

I plan on visiting a legal brothel in Nevada and losing my virginity before I ctb. Would be interesting if it was such a life altering experience that it turns everything around for me and puts winds in my sails again, gives me a reason to live.

My SN has arrived and I'm just waiting for my meto which is expected to arrive next week. So losing my virginity is quite literally going to be the deciding factor in whether I choose to live or die. Sounds insane and pathetic I know, sounds like something a hormonal immature teenager would say, all I have to say is unless you've experienced what I have you wouldn't understand how deep the scars are to be so universally rejected, unloved, and ignored throughout your entire youth.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Interesting, 12 is when things seemed to start going wrong for me too.

I swear, on this forum I saw so many people who feel their life went wrong at 12, it seems to be the cursed age or something.
My take on all of this: if any of you ever have kids, be especially careful and watch over them at this age, it seems to determine whether or not they will be depressed later in life.

 

[Sensei]

I see a lot of threads asking if people want to kill themselves because of illness, or a broken heart, or poverty, or addiction. I find that I can no longer see the reason but will still proceed.

For me—maybe many others too—there's just an accumulation of things in the past, leading to a complete loss of hope and an indifference to staying alive. Hopelessness isn't a past event, a person, a tumour, a memory. It's a kind of second sight, a glimpse into the future and a realization—a very calm one I think—that there's no reason to continue. When I saw this earlier this year, it was like a voice that switched from being fearful and erratic, to one that was totally clear and perfectly argued, almost a revelation.

There are folk myths all around the world about how those at the brink of death have a sudden moment of prophetic insight. That may not be real, but now I understand the origin of that myth.

Well put. It indirectly hightlights a big problem: there are many young people frequenting this forum. I don't doubt for a second that they may have accumulated many painful experiences and may be convinced that they have no future, but there may be painless or at least leass painful decades waiting ahead.

 

[Taki]

I know why I want to leave life, I have a couple of reasons that all contribute to my suicidal ideation:

1. I have no purpose to live, life seems meaningless. Work go to bed, work go to bed, hobby here and there to fill up time. That's it? This is life? Wow that sucks and is a huge disappointment.

2. I've been single my entire adult life and I'm almost 30. The opposite sex has no interest/attraction to me whatsoever. I'm a ghost as far as they are concerned. This has made me lonely and miserable and has left scars on my heart that I feel are permanent and will never go away. I know I'm not just unloveable, no one is even remotely attracted enough to me to flirt or have casual sex with me. No one can understand how this feels unless they've gone through it themselves, how crushing it is to your heart to have no romance/sex life whatsoever for over a decade. to feel like a ghost your whole life.

3. i don't enjoy or get pleasure from anything anymore due to years of depression. It's as if I'm dead on the inside, life has no color anymore. This contributes to point number 1. If I not only have no higher purpose in life but in addition I can't even enjoy the pleasures in life, the hedonistic side of life, can't even enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, what is there to live for? There is literally nothing to look forward to.

4. My depression has destroyed my ability to concentrate and focus on anything. The only thing I've ever been good at in life is academics. I went to an Ivy League university and studied mathematics and earned high marks. But even that gift has been taken away from me because of my depression after leaving college and seeing just how boring and mundane the work world is like.

The only thing I have going for me in my life is my physical health, I'm financially stable, I'm fairly wealthy for my age, and I have loving/supportive parents. Also I don't have any kids (I consider that a positive, I never want to have any kids) and one positive thing from being single is that I haven't become jaded from broken relationships or marriages.

It's debatable to me what is worse, to be a virgin loser who is ghost to the opposite sex like me, or to have been able to experience love, romance, and sex in life only to have been disappointed by it, only to have relationships/marriages ruined and for your trust in people/relationships to be tarnished and perhaps be jaded for the rest of your life. I have sympathy for people who have gone through this and I honestly don't know whether I'd be willing to trade places with them, I'm not sure if the pros outweigh the cons. It's often difficult to judge things yourself until you have experienced them.

In summary I'm alive but haven't been living. So many people take love, sex, attention, validation, and intimacy for granted. They have no idea how lucky they are to be attractive to anybody at all. I cant tell you the last time I got a hug from the opposite sex besides from a coworker leaving or from family members (those don't count since those are just platonic hugs), I can't tell you the last time I was flirted with, I can't tell you the last time I've received a single compliment about my physical appearance. I do remember the last time I had any intimate/sexual contact though, it was in high school which was 10 years ago.

I plan on visiting a legal brothel in Nevada and losing my virginity before I ctb. Would be interesting if it was such a life altering experience that it turns everything around for me and puts winds in my sails again, gives me a reason to live.

My SN has arrived and I'm just waiting for my meto which is expected to arrive next week. So losing my virginity is quite literally going to be the deciding factor in whether I choose to live or die. Sounds insane and pathetic I know, sounds like something a hormonal immature teenager would say, all I have to say is unless you've experienced what I have you wouldn't understand how deep the scars are to be so universally rejected, unloved, and ignored throughout your entire youth.

Sorry to hear this. Like you I'm also very bright and have a decent income, but there's no satisfaction in life and depression has permanently altered my brain. I fear early dementia because of that. And yes, loneliness is corrosive. All the best. I hope it isn't too late for things to turn around for you.

 

[Sensei]

I plan on visiting a legal brothel in Nevada and losing my virginity before I ctb. Would be interesting if it was such a life altering experience that it turns everything around for me and puts winds in my sails again, gives me a reason to live.

My SN has arrived and I'm just waiting for my meto which is expected to arrive next week. So losing my virginity is quite literally going to be the deciding factor in whether I choose to live or die. Sounds insane and pathetic I know, sounds like something a hormonal immature teenager would say, all I have to say is unless you've experienced what I have you wouldn't understand how deep the scars are to be so universally rejected, unloved, and ignored throughout your entire youth.

It doesn't sound insane or pathetic at all. I don't want to condone prostitution, but if this can save your life, don't hesitate a second. I hope you'll have a good time and that it will change the course of your life.

 

[Taki]

Well put. It indirectly hightlights a big problem: there are many young people frequenting this forum. I don't doubt for a second that they may have accumulated many painful experiences and may be convinced that they have no future, but there may be painless or at least leass painful decades waiting ahead.

I agree. Frankly I don't think anyone under 30 should be on here. Not to dismiss people's pain, but things can turn around. I hate seeing 18 year olds here—that's terrible.

 

[Apathy79]

I agree. Frankly I don't think anyone under 30 should be on here. Not to dismiss people's pain, but things can turn around. I hate seeing 18 year olds here—that's terrible.

I suspect a lot of the "18"s you see are younger than that.

Remember the Katelyn Nicole Davis case? I watched about 20 hours of her videos trying to figure out what happened. She was 12. The pain she was going through was temporary. By 14, she probably would have been an intelligent, caring, beautiful girl starting to dream about life ahead. But that one decision was so final.

It really feels like you need a certain amount of life experience to make this most critical decision rationally. At 40, most people fit that bill. Even 30. At 18 (or less), most don't.

 

[Taki]

I suspect a lot of the "18"s you see are younger than that.

Remember the Katelyn Nicole Davis case? I watched about 20 hours of her videos trying to figure out what happened. She was 12. The pain she was going through was temporary. By 14, she probably would have been an intelligent, caring, beautiful girl starting to dream about life ahead. But that one decision was so final.

It really feels like you need a certain amount of life experience to make this most critical decision rationally. At 40, most people fit that bill. Even 30. At 18 (or less), most don't.

Yeah, I'm sure there are people lying about their age. People responding to others here should bear that in mind.

 

[LegaliseIt!]

I swear, on this forum I saw so many people who feel their life went wrong at 12, it seems to be the cursed age or something.
My take on all of this: if any of you ever have kids, be especially careful and watch over them at this age, it seems to determine whether or not they will be depressed later in life.

My daughter first voiced a desire to die at age 11. We found a good therapist for her, etc. Here's the thing. Over the next 8 years, she made 9 more suicide attempts. I have a background in health care, and I reacted and coped in the only way I knew—I became very clinical with her. She is thriving, but our relationship is broken and I am not allowed to see my grandson. This only one reason why I want to ctb, though.

 

[voyager]

I know why I want to leave life, I have a couple of reasons that all contribute to my suicidal ideation:

1. I have no purpose to live, life seems meaningless. Work go to bed, work go to bed, hobby here and there to fill up time. That's it? This is life? Wow that sucks and is a huge disappointment.

2. I've been single my entire adult life and I'm almost 30. The opposite sex has no interest/attraction to me whatsoever. I'm a ghost as far as they are concerned. This has made me lonely and miserable and has left scars on my heart that I feel are permanent and will never go away. I know I'm not just unloveable, no one is even remotely attracted enough to me to flirt or have casual sex with me. No one can understand how this feels unless they've gone through it themselves, how crushing it is to your heart to have no romance/sex life whatsoever for over a decade. to feel like a ghost your whole life.

3. i don't enjoy or get pleasure from anything anymore due to years of depression. It's as if I'm dead on the inside, life has no color anymore. This contributes to point number 1. If I not only have no higher purpose in life but in addition I can't even enjoy the pleasures in life, the hedonistic side of life, can't even enjoy any of my hobbies anymore, what is there to live for? There is literally nothing to look forward to.

4. My depression has destroyed my ability to concentrate and focus on anything. The only thing I've ever been good at in life is academics. I went to an Ivy League university and studied mathematics and earned high marks. But even that gift has been taken away from me because of my depression after leaving college and seeing just how boring and mundane the work world is like.

The only thing I have going for me in my life is my physical health, I'm financially stable, I'm fairly wealthy for my age, and I have loving/supportive parents. Also I don't have any kids (I consider that a positive, I never want to have any kids) and one positive thing from being single is that I haven't become jaded from broken relationships or marriages.

It's debatable to me what is worse, to be a virgin loser who is ghost to the opposite sex like me, or to have been able to experience love, romance, and sex in life only to have been disappointed by it, only to have relationships/marriages ruined and for your trust in people/relationships to be tarnished and perhaps be jaded for the rest of your life. I have sympathy for people who have gone through this and I honestly don't know whether I'd be willing to trade places with them, I'm not sure if the pros outweigh the cons. It's often difficult to judge things yourself until you have experienced them.

In summary I'm alive but haven't been living. So many people take love, sex, attention, validation, and intimacy for granted. They have no idea how lucky they are to be attractive to anybody at all. I cant tell you the last time I got a hug from the opposite sex besides from a coworker leaving or from family members (those don't count since those are just platonic hugs), I can't tell you the last time I was flirted with, I can't tell you the last time I've received a single compliment about my physical appearance. I do remember the last time I had any intimate/sexual contact though, it was in high school which was 10 years ago.

I plan on visiting a legal brothel in Nevada and losing my virginity before I ctb. Would be interesting if it was such a life altering experience that it turns everything around for me and puts winds in my sails again, gives me a reason to live.

My SN has arrived and I'm just waiting for my meto which is expected to arrive next week. So losing my virginity is quite literally going to be the deciding factor in whether I choose to live or die. Sounds insane and pathetic I know, sounds like something a hormonal immature teenager would say, all I have to say is unless you've experienced what I have you wouldn't understand how deep the scars are to be so universally rejected, unloved, and ignored throughout your entire youth.

I think you should definitely go to Nevada, or even Europe, and get it over with. You've dedicated a large part of your post to this point (which is perfectly understandable btw), but people get too hung up on the first time, imho. So rid yourself of this pressure. Especially since this would also affect #1 on your list. Not just work for work's sake, but also get to enjoy some of the money and sex is definitely fun, even for people suffering from depression and anhedonia. You also mentioned that you had some sexual encounters at around 20, so it's probably not your attractiveness per se, but could very well be the mental problems, too. Desperation just adds to it, which is why I'd recommend getting rid of the virginity problem first. People seem to have a sixth sense for this, especially when it comes to sexual attraction. If you were to hook up, there are some decent pages online with reviews, so I'd definitely check for someone sweet to make it a nice encounter. Lastly, don't feel embarassed or judge your self worth by it. It's the oldest business in the world and it wouldn't be if we'd all be enjoying permanent orgies.

Of course, I'm poorly qualified to give you this advice, because my sex life is just as shit as yours. I had some girlfriends when I was younger, so it's not where my problems originally stem from, but over the years it has certainly added to them. I'm a recluse, my looks have gone to waste and I practically have mental illness and weird vibe stamped all over my forehead, so it's not like girls are breaking down my door either. But you know how they say "it's not you, it's me", well, usually thats bs, but in this case it's kinda true. It's not you, but it's the mental illness which is messing with your attractiveness. So you shouldn't judge yourself on it or let something stupid like virginity fester in your thinking. Just get it done, it's probably the last thing you'd regret experiencing in your life.