“Bettering yourself”

[iamalreadydead]

I get very indignant at the idea of it. I don't want to get better. I want to get worse. I can't justify it but, I want to- like something inside me wants me to stay like this. Like I'm giving in to the world by trying to be better. Or something.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

its easier to just let things get worse
you spend enough time in darkness and you gain a weird comfort in it
a WANT for sadness, because thats whats familiar
after all, why strive so hard for something so fleeting and seemingly impossible to maintain? why go against the flow?

when something is broken. yeah you can keep replacing the parts, but eventually the cost far outweighs the usefulness
eventually any sane person will throw it away... and get a new one, but i guess that part doesnt work for this analogy


for me, i would kill to be better than i am
i mean i promised more than once i would be- and that was before i was this far gone
but like everyone says, im the only person who can do that for me... and thats exactly why i know i never will
dont have the energy, or really the means
and lately i dont really have the motivation either
the people i made those promises to are gone, anyway, never coming back
would probably hate me forever even if i *did* get better, so
would it even be worth the effort? especially knowing how easy it is to wind up with another trauma and all that progress erased
just like before

id kill to feel something better than this
to not feel this for even a day
there just isnt any part of me that believes thats something i can attain
or, even less so, actually maintain
god knows ive tried, but here i am actively worse than ive eve been


i guess i understand a little what you mean, even if its for different reasons in my case
more so giving up than rebelling

 

[Kurushii]

Sometimes I get the feeling that I don't want myself and for things to get better, because I know it won't. But sometimes for whatever weird reason I become hopeful of life.. (And that hope is short lived)

 

[tiredone]

Getting better takes you to trying to be hapy and feel joy. Happiness and joy last short and are followed by comeback to saddness,misery and pain. Each time you feel happy you know its fleeting and will cause more pain than before. Vicious cycle. I guess we dont want to get better cause we already know pain and suffering, got onto terms with it, and we learend that the pain will be greater after each moment of joy.
From my personal experience, i know that each time i allow myself to get close to joy, something bad tenfold happens, almost like getting punished for even trying to feel something nice.
It is just less painfull to be in dark place, than to try hard to get better only to feel worse in the end.

 

[hellgirlredux]

I feel this way too! Whenever I post about it anywhere though most of the responses are people saying oh you don't have to recover just try and get better!! Oh you don't have to try and get better it's just about being healthy again!! I just feel like telling these people to stop patronising me but I have bitten my tongue and had debates and discussions I didn't even want to have. Whenever this happens my mind takes me back to when I was 12 years old and one day I was watching the local Christian channel on tv and a show about marriage came on and it was this lady's story about how her marriage was falling apart and she was so frustrated by her husband (can't remember what this guy was actually doingbut it didn't sound like he was abusive though) so she went to the local bookshop and she brought a self help book for ladies thinking it was all about how to cope with an annoying/invalidating husband but instead the book supposedly made the argument that both people in a failed/difficult marriage are usually at fault and that she was being invalidating and annoying towards her husband as well. So supposedly the lady worked on her communication skills and became a better wife with the help of this book and their marriage was saved. Anyway, every time I have these debates online about recovery that lady's story pops into my head and I hear a little voice saying "you are being like that lady when she thought the book was going to say it's all her husband's fault. You want people online to tell you what you want to hear but they aren't, just like that lady wanted the book to tell her she didn't have to change" "perhaps nobody agrees with you because telling someone they don't need to recover or it's okay for them to knowingly get worse is wrong and illogical and that's the reason nobody says it's okay" but then again, I know Reddit mods can censor things, as does Google. Even libraries and bookstores are curated by whoever is responsible for buying new books. So I don't know. Maybe it's time you and I accepted ourselves and said fuck it, I shouldn't have to recover if I don't want to. But how does one argue for that when everyone in our lives, books, websites, social media and every Google search one could possibly think of tell us that recovery is the only right way to be in the world? Maybe I'm just being stupid and it's time to go strap on my big girl bootstraps and force myself to do everything I find unbearable. Not recovering in a world that wants me to recover has never gotten me anything good. What would it profit me if the only love I get to experience is me loving myself because nobody wants to be my friend or romantic partner as they think I'm toxic? It affects my career prospects and my relationship with my family (mum says I can't come and stay with her like my brother is doing because it wouldn't be peaceful due to me not being recovered) when I visited them my brother was passed out on the couch while drunk and high at the same time and said a very angry whatever instead of bye so idk if he fits the definition of healthy but now I'm thinking at least he's quiet when he's drunk and doesn't cry out in pain from mental distress at 3am (maybe I judge my alcoholic and drug user unrecovered comrades a little to harshly) idk I won't tell you or anyone what to do, but my strength to not recover has run out and I feel like I have to force myself to recover/get better/be healthy/be totally safe and never try to die or hurt myself because it's all people ever say in a world where it's considered the only right option, however it's defined or done. I must just be irrational and or wrong for feeling the way I do. Do I want to get better? HELL NO! But it's the only way until I find a good suicide method that I can actually source the materials for and manage to get my brother to sit down with me and make sure he is okay with my decision on one of the rare days when he's not drunk. And my mum who said she doesn't believe I'm really suicidal. It's going to take a while to convince her I am. I don't need their permission but I need to hear what they have to say about it and explain my reasons so they can ask me questions and come to terms with me going but if they can't come to terms with it I will have to stay.

 

[Hirokami]

Every time I actually do "get better", something or someone takes it away (sometimes, that someone being me). A week ago is when I felt my best, actually. Can't go into detail as I don't want to risk getting found out, but I wasn't suicidal for once. Actually, I've been trying to improve for a month or so but I guess that'll never happen.

Becoming a happier person is a pipe dream. No amount of improvement will get rid of the trauma that's been inflicted on me.

 

[Sakura94]

Tell me a reason when computers will do everything humans can do a thousand times better
I see zero reason to improve my own condition when it can't really get me what I truly want.

 

[Rainy_days]

I get very indignant at the idea of it. I don't want to get better. I want to get worse. I can't justify it but, I want to- like something inside me wants me to stay like this. Like I'm giving in to the world by trying to be better. Or something.

Do you mean being happy or self improvement? Usually 'bettering' refers to the latter. I think self improvement is something you should do for yourself, not for other people.