Venting Better late than never

[gentleflower]

Hello together,

I have been within this community now for a few months. Sometimes only silently reading the thread of others and sometimes partaking in the discussion. Today I feel like sharing why I have came here originally.
A little background information about myself. I have been working on graduating my PhD in scientific research for the last years now and will hopefully finally be able to finish in a few months as well.
What brought me onto this site, has been a severe depressive episode a few months ago. I am still depressed, but not as severely as before. I have attended a clinic for a few weeks some time ago now, which forced me to reveal my mental health to my environment.
In the clinic we have also worked a lot on our past and I had to realize that I have been more or less depressed for several years now, but the drive to succeed in my career had always been enough to keep me going.
I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in the clinic and in retrospect it explains so much. I have been primed all of my childhood and youth as an only child that I have to succeed in everything I do with top marks or prizes, otherwise I have not tried hard enough. The relationship to my family is pretty ambivalent. On the one hand, I know that they love me deeply and on some level are proud of what I have achieved so far. On the other hand, I will probably always feel like the biggest disappointment to them, never being able to life up to their expectations and still daily trying to.
I have been in a relationship with someone very early in my youth and for several years. The breakup we had, nearly destroyed me completely and ever since, I have never been able to fully open myself to anyone. Not a romantic partner, neither a close friend. I have kept everyone at arm's lenght, all too aware that fully trusting and relying on someone would hand over the power to be destroyed once again.
But this solitude has been turning more and more unbereable. I feel isolated from the world around me most of the days, stumbling through life blindly, trying to desperately find a reason to hang on.
I have given dating one more chance in the past few weeks, only to be severely played with once again. I had to learn later that the person I was beginning to truly fall for again, had no feelings for me at all. I had just been used to make the ex jealous and now they are back together.
Now that I am finally "close" to my graduation, I am more afraid than ever. This graduation will be the last step. I am already not seeing the reason to continue living most of the days now, so, what will happen when I finish my last goal? I am afraid that achieving it, will cost me my residual will to survive...
BPD and depression make a weird combination for me. I have been suppressing my emotions for years now, but it does not always work anymore. When they "storm" up, I resort to self harm to ground myself, which only isolates myself further from my environment.

I have to mention that I have been pretty silent in this forum because I was mostly put off by my welcome in the chat here. I had written somewhere that the pressure from work and the fear of failure was pushing me more and more towards CTB and I had to read in the chat how people were belittling that as a reason to CTB and I was honestly pretty hurt back then. How can any of you dare to judge if the reason of someone to CTB or not is valid? None of you are able to look into each others minds and I had hoped to find understanding here.
Now that I have finished typing this, I do not anymore, why I have written this at all. I am sorry..

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

Hey, thank you for sharing your story, it's amazing to see how much you've been able to achieve (: However I want to say that the only person who gets to decide that whatever reason that is making you want to CTB is valid is only yourself. You know yourself better than the whole world, who are we to judge your pain and life. Nobody is perfect and nobody is ever the same. You have the right to do whatever you want with your life, you have your own reasons and sufferings. I'm sorry for how people treated you when you open up to them saying why you want to CTB. I'm not gonna just bash them either but just know that I support you 100%. We all have our own fears and demons. I am here to talk to and I'll support your journey

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

I recently self diagnosed as Borderline myself ... , well , Emotionally Unstable ....

Finally facing that Emotional flux and weirdness may have helped a bit ... but thing still feel just 'out there ' .

It is so weird to have such a fundamental self driver acting unreliabley ... pisses me off !

Sorry you had some negative feed back to start here ...
I lurk and read but don't post much .

Do you think you benefit a bit from reading here ?

I think I've found a few new ways of thinking about things ... even the borderline thing really probably was
confirmed from relating to peoples stories here .

 

[gentleflower]

I am pretty empathetic, so, yes, reading here has helped me somewhat
At beginning I of course read a lot about the guides to the different methods

Hey, thank you for sharing your story, it's amazing to see how much you've been able to achieve (: However I want to say that the only person who gets to decide that whatever reason that is making you want to CTB is valid is only yourself. You know yourself better than the whole world, who are we to judge your pain and life. Nobody is perfect and nobody is ever the same. You have the right to do whatever you want with your life, you have your own reasons and sufferings. I'm sorry for how people treated you when you open up to them saying why you want to CTB. I'm not gonna just bash them either but just know that I support you 100%. We all have our own fears and demons. I am here to talk to and I'll support your journey ❤

The sort of mean things about my mind is that I am completely unable to recognize anything which I have achieved. It will never be enough to myself.
Thank you for your support :)
And that's exactly how I think as well. We should not judge each other here. This happens too often outside of this safe place.