benzo addiction or endless anxiety? (problems at uni)

[-Raven's Night-]

there's a course that every student have to take at my uni. Let me refer to it as GC1.
it's about traumatic history events. i used to have panic attacks at history lessons at high school (maybe middle school as well) so i was a science student. But who knows i can't escape the fate. I really enjoy my university life (like the best time in my fucking life with autism and mood disorders since early childhood) but i am struggling, really...
so i, several days before, wanted to take a rest from SS and focus on my learning because i don't want my GPA to collapse though it's fucking painful to learn. The professors are good but it's my own fucking problem with weirdly functioning empathy system. they say autistic individuals don't know how to empathize but for me it's weird accusation like idk how to empathize effectively but concentrating on those pain those trauma because that's really happened to real human in the past and omg i can't take it. So it's an emotional burden like reading posts on suicide forums as well for me omg.
GC1 is killing me and have to thank @mayirestinchaos reminds me of posting this.
and i went to get prescribed some benzos. Lorazepam 1mg tablets. i have been addicted to it in the past but well, miraclously i... acted fearless on GC1 lessons: no panic attacks and dysphoric feelings and fast-like-hell heartbeats. i love benzos ahhhhh it gave me hope to be alive, not exaggerately speaking.
and now i am craving for benzos sooooooo much. and if i don't take it, i went to self harm. after being a year clean from cutting myself. i'm back and can't stop wanting to do it.
i'm like addicted to my own self-destruction.

btw in the past i am so passionate about things about meds & pharmacology and i collect package inserts. (my autistic special interest) Now i feel like a dope fiend dreaming about OD'ing day and night and lost in delirium just want to forget things from the past. like a super healthy hobby turn into a self-destructive feast. (recently started a subreddit r/meds_enthusiast if you love meds welcome to join, i am trying to distract myself in this way. i know a lot of you guys hate reddit lol i'm a new member there idk what exactly it's like)

so i'm trying to control my frequency at taking benzos like i didn't take it today. and went to GC1 this afternoon. a nightmarish experience, i went out the classroom dizzy despair suicidal and like shit.
i'd like to make a choice: benzo addictions or endless anxiety???

 

[mayirestinchaos]

Reminds you the actual fuck? I'm so sorry...

I know a Chinese sentence that is hard to be translated.
"命运不是风来回吹，命运是大地，走到哪里，你都在命中。"

We truly cannot escape the fate. A person's life can become good or bad; he can receive A+ or F; he can study natural science or nature science; he can live long or not long; he can be an artist or he can simply cut wood for his entire life. There is no big difference. They all become fate.

But the important thing is that a people shouldn't be distorted beyond recognition. He cannot look at the mirror and find himself a ghost image.

Just live at the moment.

In scientific research, from leaf to flower or from flower to leaf is a process, while life itself is always at the moment. Flowers and leaves are both a way of memory, and fruit is also a seed. Life is a shining moment, not a process.

It's quite abstract. Hope you could understand. Hug you <3

 

[western_heart]

Are you out of benzos? How long have you been taking them the most recent time?

Sometimes it's better to taper slowly instead of stopping altogether.

 

[-Raven's Night-]

Are you out of benzos? How long have you been taking them the most recent time?

Sometimes it's better to taper slowly instead of stopping altogether.

since Jan 26 i suppose, judging from my profile post... i was told don't take them everyday but i scarcely do that and i can be addicted if i took them for once. And i still have plenty of them left just don't know how to deal with it if i end up taking all of them... i really don't want to go back to that psychiatrist because he judged me.

 

[western_heart]

I know what it's like to see judgmental doctors… I hope you can find a better one. Honestly I've never been given a benzo prescription to take every day either, but ended up dependent on research chemicals anyway.

Is there any way you could ration the doses so you don't take them all at once? A trusted friend that can hold some of them? Are the pills splittable?

 

[shy]

Have you tried beta blockers? I've been taking them for a long time now and they've helped with my anxiety to some extent. They keep me from going down the anxiety spiral, it keeps my heartbeat in check, hence I don't freak out as much mentally when I'm anxious or get a panic attack. It's not as effective as the numbness you get from benzos, but you might wanna give it a shot instead of relying on benzos.