Believing you have a special purpose.

[Sweet Release]

Ok, this might sound really weird or dumb but I was wondering if anyone else has stopped themselves from going through with suicide because they still believe they had some kind of special purpose to fulfil in life.

Its one of the two things that has kept stopping me from being able to go through with CTB (the other being that I don't want to hurt my family) and I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing as being alive is so painful.

Maybe its just a delusion that I have but its still a beautiful delusion and when I had gone through bad times as a child I would think to myself "don't worry, one day I will achieve something amazing!"

When my life came crashing down as an adult I still stopped myself from suicide even though I really wanted to die.
I tried to hold onto that fairytale and convince myself that I would rise again and maybe this was all part of a higher or greater plan that God or whoever had in mind for me.

It has been years since then and I am still struggling to rebuild my life and I am getting older with any dream seeming less and less likely.
I still work hard at my projects (my dream was always to be an artist) and I have been told that I could be a mentor to people who have been through similar bad experiences which I have done occasionally but I don't know how long I can keep the dream alive.

I heard about people who really suffered and went through Hell in life but resisted the temptation to end it all and by some miracle they eventually went on to have successful and happy lives.
Does anybody else wonder if that could possibly be them one day?

 

[Superdeterminist]

I used to hold on to such a hope, but I had to let it go eventually. For me life has just been tedious monotony for too long now, devoid of any inspiration or promising moments of change. If some miracle were to befall me now leading to a mental shift, I would no doubt be overjoyed, but it would still do nothing to discount or justify the years already behind me that have been spent mostly suffering. I would not say enduring all that torment was worth the miracle, conceptually. In practice, things may be different, if my life really changed dramatically, perhaps I would not be so bitter about bygone times. It may work for you or for others though, this is just my personal experience and feeling.

 

[Sweet Release]

I used to hold on to such a hope, but I had to let it go eventually. For me life has just been tedious monotony for too long now, devoid of any inspiration or promising moments of change. If some miracle were to befall me now leading to a mental shift, I would no doubt be overjoyed, but it would still do nothing to discount or justify the years already behind me that have been spent mostly suffering. I would not say enduring all that torment was worth the miracle, conceptually. In practice, things may be different, if my life really changed dramatically, perhaps I would not be so bitter about bygone times. It may work for you or for others though, this is just my personal experience and feeling.

Thank you for replying.
Sounds like you have been through a lot and life has robbed you of a lot of happiness.
I hope something does change in your life for the better and the pain becomes more bearable.

 

[iDieUDie80]

I used to think that everything happened for a reason. But with everything that happened to me, I think my only purpose is to kill myself. I guess I'm only really staying here for a friend and my mom.

 

[Sweet Release]

I used to think that everything happened for a reason. But with everything that happened to me, I think my only purpose is to kill myself. I guess I'm only really staying here for a friend and my mom.

Yeah my mom is keeping me alive as well.
She's talked me out off it Lord knows how many times but I'm afraid that soon that won't be enough.

 

[XYZ]

Ok, this might sound really weird or dumb but I was wondering if anyone else has stopped themselves from going through with suicide because they still believe they had some kind of special purpose to fulfil in life.

Its one of the two things that has kept stopping me from being able to go through with CTB (the other being that I don't want to hurt my family) and I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing as being alive is so painful.

Maybe its just a delusion that I have but its still a beautiful delusion and when I had gone through bad times as a child I would think to myself "don't worry, one day I will achieve something amazing!"

When my life came crashing down as an adult I still stopped myself from suicide even though I really wanted to die.
I tried to hold onto that fairytale and convince myself that I would rise again and maybe this was all part of a higher or greater plan that God or whoever had in mind for me.

It has been years since then and I am still struggling to rebuild my life and I am getting older with any dream seeming less and less likely.
I still work hard at my projects (my dream was always to be an artist) and I have been told that I could be a mentor to people who have been through similar bad experiences which I have done occasionally but I don't know how long I can keep the dream alive.

I heard about people who really suffered and went through Hell in life but resisted the temptation to end it all and by some miracle they eventually went on to have successful and happy lives.
Does anybody else wonder if that could possibly be them one day?

I wish for you to find that special purpose and achieve something amazing. Personally I am cornered, I stare suicide in the eye every day and it's torture. But I am rooting for anyone who hopes and wants to beat their ctb ideation.

 

[Sweet Release]

I wish for you to find that special purpose and achieve something amazing. Personally I am cornered, I stare suicide in the eye every day and it's torture. But I am rooting for anyone who hopes and wants to beat their ctb ideation.

Thank you so much!
You have no idea how much that means to me!

I wish I could help you overcome what you go through everyday; it sounds awful.

 

[iDieUDie80]

Yeah my mom is keeping me alive as well.
She's talked me out off it Lord knows how many times but I'm afraid that soon that won't be enough.

My mom is currently having a good time on vacation. I didn't have the heart to ruin her trip and the rest of her life too.

 

[Zorya]

I believe a special purpose in life which is drwawing pictures. I also have 2 books ro publish, postponed that to make my own pictures.

 

[Anthagonos]

Ok, this might sound really weird or dumb but I was wondering if anyone else has stopped themselves from going through with suicide because they still believe they had some kind of special purpose to fulfil in life.

Its one of the two things that has kept stopping me from being able to go through with CTB (the other being that I don't want to hurt my family) and I don't know if its a good thing or a bad thing as being alive is so painful.

Maybe its just a delusion that I have but its still a beautiful delusion and when I had gone through bad times as a child I would think to myself "don't worry, one day I will achieve something amazing!"

When my life came crashing down as an adult I still stopped myself from suicide even though I really wanted to die.
I tried to hold onto that fairytale and convince myself that I would rise again and maybe this was all part of a higher or greater plan that God or whoever had in mind for me.

It has been years since then and I am still struggling to rebuild my life and I am getting older with any dream seeming less and less likely.
I still work hard at my projects (my dream was always to be an artist) and I have been told that I could be a mentor to people who have been through similar bad experiences which I have done occasionally but I don't know how long I can keep the dream alive.

I heard about people who really suffered and went through Hell in life but resisted the temptation to end it all and by some miracle they eventually went on to have successful and happy lives.
Does anybody else wonder if that could possibly be them one day?

Of course! I have always tought that I ahve to do something great. The problem is a few months ago it was my opportunity and I failed. After that I decided ctb. My life can be resumed in a sequence of strange coincidences.

 

[Sweet Release]

I believe a special purpose in life which is drwawing pictures. I also have 2 books ro publish, postponed that to make my own pictures.

Awesome! Did you do the picture in your profile pic?

Of course! I have always tought that I ahve to do something great. The problem is a few months ago it was my opportunity and I failed. After that I decided ctb. My life can be resumed in a sequence of strange coincidences.

Woah! Just a few months ago!
Is there truly no way you will get another chance at what you want to do?

 

[Zorya]

Awesome! Did you do the picture in your profile pic?

Woah! Just a few months ago!
Is there truly no way you will get another chance at what you want to do?

No, Sweet, that's from a comic book I like.
My drawings are cr@p compared to that.

 

[Sweet Release]

No, Sweet, that's from a comic book I like.
My drawings are cr@p compared to that.

Well, maybe your drawings aren't as crap as you think they are.
A lot of artists are very self critical.

 

[Anthagonos]

Awesome! Did you do the picture in your profile pic?

Woah! Just a few months ago!
Is there truly no way you will get another chance at what you want to do?

I think no. It only happens once in your lifetime and I lost the opportunity

 

[Zorya]

Thanks. I like you.

 

[Sweet Release]

Thanks. I like you.

Aw shucks
Really, theres not much to like about me.
I'm somebody who comfort eats a lot and I am generally miserable most days.
I appreciate the comment though.

 

[Zorya]

Please check my new avatar, this one was actually drawn by me.

 

[Sweet Release]

Please check my new avatar, this one was actually drawn by me.

Hey thats not bad at all!
As one artist to another I would just make the arms a little thicker, particularly at the point of where the forearm meets the upper arm.
Also have the breasts not hang as low.
The head is very nicely proportioned though so keep working on it.

If you like you can send me some more artwork in messenger and I can send you some of mine.
I'm sure you can give me lots of feedback.

 

[Zorya]

I don't like you anymore... Just kidding! Thanks for the advice sensei! I'm just learning how to draw. I'm a talentless loser.

 

[Sweet Release]

I don't like you anymore... Just kidding! Thanks for the advice sensei! I'm just learning how to draw. I'm a talentless loser.

Hey! You are not talentless at all!
I'm sure you have plenty of good advice to give me as well.
I hope you keep drawing and why don't you send me some more pictures?

 

[Zorya]

OK.
Am i Supposed to post them here or send you via PM??

 

[Sweet Release]

OK.
Am i Supposed to post them here or send you via PM??

How about PM?

 

[Zorya]

OK, PM that is!

 

[puloku21]

18 yo currently , I think that feeling died like 10 years ago . My parents are both 55 yo and I seriously don't know what to do . I've started going to gym a month ago and I was starting to feel happy for a bit , because I thought that I will get rid of the boredom and to make some friends , but now I realised no matter what I do it only gets worse . I know this is a stupid reason to kms but I don't have any friends to hang out with anymore . Now I know why that feeling disappeared , is because of the loneliness. When I was a kid I had lots of friends ( 4-5-6 years older than me ) , but now the only person I talk to is my cousin , but rarely . I tried to befriend with the guys he hangs out with but nobody accepts me and I don't know why . I know for certain that I won't be able to do anything in my life , because I don't have any motivation . Life without friends is not worth living . I can't bear this pain inside me anymore . It's been a year since I first tried to hang myself , and everyday since then I think about that . Every night I take my rope and go into the woods and force myself to do it , but i can't do it simply because a coward , thinking that it would get better and I feel like a clown because of that . It's a never ending cycle .

 

[Sweet Release]

18 yo currently , I think that feeling died like 10 years ago . My parents are both 55 yo and I seriously don't know what to do . I've started going to gym a month ago and I was starting to feel happy for a bit , because I thought that I will get rid of the boredom and to make some friends , but now I realised no matter what I do it only gets worse . I know this is a stupid reason to kms but I don't have any friends to hang out with anymore . Now I know why that feeling disappeared , is because of the loneliness. When I was a kid I had lots of friends ( 4-5-6 years older than me ) , but now the only person I talk to is my cousin , but rarely . I tried to befriend with the guys he hangs out with but nobody accepts me and I don't know why . I know for certain that I won't be able to do anything in my life , because I don't have any motivation . Life without friends is not worth living . I can't bear this pain inside me anymore . It's been a year since I first tried to hang myself , and everyday since then I think about that . Every night I take my rope and go into the woods and force myself to do it , but i can't do it simply because a coward , thinking that it would get better and I feel like a clown because of that . It's a never ending cycle .

Hi.
Thank you for your comment; I think that took some balls to open up like that so kudos to you.
I'm not a life coach or anything so I won't be able to give you any great advice.

If anything I just don't think you should be so hard on yourself.
The pressures of loneliness, not fitting in anymore and not having a special goal or interest or goal in life must be really depressing.
If anything I hope you find real purpose in life and other people who share that similar interest or goal will hopefully lead the way to being new friends.

I hope I don't sound like the typical older person lecturing a younger person.
If anything I just hope it gets better for you.

I used to. It actually kept me from sinking to well, where i am now, for years.

I just watched too much tv. I got bullied, neglected, outcasted, and i still do.
But back then i was so drunk on all this 'everything happens for a reason' stuff that i thought the same :
"fuck them! i'll show them how awesome i am when i grow up!"

I thought i would get all the anger out by doing something amazing that would prove to others that i was worth something.

and i failed. I tried, i really did but my best was just not enough.
I was just fooling myself. All the teachers and the people who told me i would never amount to anything were right.


I fought it for so long, but there was nothing to save.
I'm just a dumb, lonely animal with a brain disorder. My only purpose is to let others prey on me.

But fuck that.

I don't know if there is anymore i could do to get out of this, but honestly, i no longer care to.

I hope things turn around for you, though

Oh My God Kassender.
What you went through is so relatable.

The bullying, the horrible teachers and wanting to prove all those creeps wrong!

The anger, the rage and then BOOM! Here comes the failure and wondering if the bullies were right about me all along.

Well, if anything just know that you are not alone with this.
I wish there was someway I could heal you; I really do.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Believing I have a special purpose would be as foolish as believing I have special powers - it's not true and can lead to nothing but disappointment.

 

[Sweet Release]

Believing I have a special prupose would be as foolish as believing I have special powers - it's not true and can lead to nothing but disappointment.

Damn! I'm sorry to see that you feel that way about yourself.
Sounds like you've already gone through a lot of disappointments.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

Damn! I'm sorry to see that you feel that way about yourself.
Sounds like you've already gone through a lot of disappointments.

I wasn't looking for attention or pity but I do appreciate your kind words. Thank you

 

[Zorya]

Kapo

 

[Sweet Release]

Kapo

?