Being upset by having Aspergers/Autism

[crystalskies31]

Hi guys,

Fairly sure I'm undiagnosed Asperger's and that's one aspect of why things keep going wrong.
I also have other disadvantages on top of this.

What makes me very sad is that, with a different background or circumstances, maybe I could have done much better in life. For example if my family were not horrible people and/or very poor themselves and could help me more.

I think many famous artists, writers, professionals were autistic and were able to channel that energy into their work. However I always end up doing really basic, menial jobs in spite of a high IQ.

I don't know what to do about this. This is a big part of wanting to CTB for me. I don't know if I will ever have an opportunity to improve my job, use my skills or channel them into something good or 'be myself'. Does anyone have thoughts on this? It just makes me so sad and angry that other autistic people are able to earn loads of money using their skills but I'm always struggling to survive.

Thank you.

 

[foreveralone]

As a person with Asperger's, I think we see the positive side where people disproportionately overachieve mentioned a lot because people are trying to push a narrative that society shouldn't be ableist and that every disability has a silver lining.

The reality is that people like us suffer immensely and if you're lucky enough to land yourself a better paying job because of it, you're still at a disadvantage.

I think the answer to your question is to make a judgement whether the negative aspects of Asperger's could ever be outweighed by the potential good it could bring if you worked on your career for example. If so then perhaps it's time to hatch a plan on how you could move up. If a better career isn't going to fix your life, it's another reason to be pessimistic as your best case scenario will barely do enough.

 

[crystalskies31]

I think the answer to your question is to make a judgement whether the negative aspects of Asperger's could ever be outweighed by the potential good it could bring if you worked on your career for example. If so then perhaps it's time to hatch a plan on how you could move up. If a better career isn't going to fix your life, it's another reason to be pessimistic as your best case scenario will barely do enough.

Thanks, you bring up some great points.

Firstly a better career may not "fix your life" by itself. This is part of it.

Secondly, the "potential good it could bring".
Perhaps it's a good idea to research the positive aspects of it? And try and figure out how to use them? Though to be honest that kind of thing has never worked for me.
I also think that a big problem is society pushing a narrative of achievement in spite of people's suffering.

 

[foreveralone]

In terms of the positives and how to actually benefit from them, I think Asperger's and success aren't intrinsically correlated, it's more the fact that having a high IQ and then having certain 'weird' behaviors produce good results.

For example (I'll use my own journey to illustrate), you're intelligent and highly introverted, so you spend your childhood years doing basically nothing but learning very specific skills which you then later can monetize really easily.

It's not that Asperger's gave me a career, it's more the fact that I was crazy enough to spend 18 hours a day doing something nobody else would ever want to do which then paid off years later because you're highly specialized and nobody else is.

In my own life, I've learned to realize that the benefits absolutely don't outweigh the bad, but if you're the type of person that can obsess over a particular 'skill' for hours a day, eventually you'll be better at that than most people.

This phenomenon explains the Elon Musk types quite well imo

 

[crystalskies31]

In terms of the positives and how to actually benefit from them, I think Asperger's and success aren't intrinsically correlated, it's more the fact that having a high IQ and then having certain 'weird' behaviors produce good results.

For example (I'll use my own journey to illustrate), you're intelligent and highly introverted, so you spend your childhood years doing basically nothing but learning very specific skills which you then later can monetize really easily.

It's not that Asperger's gave me a career, it's more the fact that I was crazy enough to spend 18 hours a day doing something nobody else would ever want to do which then paid off years later because you're highly specialized and nobody else is.

In my own life, I've learned to realize that the benefits absolutely don't outweigh the bad, but if you're the type of person that can obsess over a particular 'skill' for hours a day, eventually you'll be better at that than most people.

This phenomenon explains the Elon Musk types quite well imo

I'm glad it worked for you
For me, I put it mostly into school, then did a generalist degree at a good university. And now I'm just doing very basic jobs.
I have obsessions that don't monetize easily.
I think I would have been better obsessing with random things like making websites and earning money from that but it ended up just being channeled into grades. I probably could have been a great computer engineer or whatever but I think it's too late now.
I am highly specialised in some really random things that it would be hard to earn money with
I can think of some ways it paid of for me but it hasn't for many years lately
And now I don't have time to develop anything else because I'm always working so it makes me think about CTB

In terms of the positives and how to actually benefit from them, I think Asperger's and success aren't intrinsically correlated, it's more the fact that having a high IQ and then having certain 'weird' behaviors produce good results.

For example (I'll use my own journey to illustrate), you're intelligent and highly introverted, so you spend your childhood years doing basically nothing but learning very specific skills which you then later can monetize really easily.

It's not that Asperger's gave me a career, it's more the fact that I was crazy enough to spend 18 hours a day doing something nobody else would ever want to do which then paid off years later because you're highly specialized and nobody else is.

In my own life, I've learned to realize that the benefits absolutely don't outweigh the bad, but if you're the type of person that can obsess over a particular 'skill' for hours a day, eventually you'll be better at that than most people.

This phenomenon explains the Elon Musk types quite well imo

Also may I ask what job you do (no worries if not)
A lot of my skills are just not that monetizable unless you're really rich already and maybe I just have to accept it

 

[foreveralone]

Also may I ask what job you do (no worries if not)
A lot of my skills are just not that monetizable unless you're really rich already and maybe I just have to accept it

I worked in IT, specifically in network engineering, and then had a brief career within the finance industry before quitting and donating all my money to my family and a girl I love, owning just a few bottles of N to say goodbye to the world with (I'm going to CTB in a few weeks).

For me, I put it mostly into school, then did a generalist degree at a good university. And now I'm just doing very basic jobs.
I have obsessions that don't monetize easily.
I think I would have been better obsessing with random things like making websites and earning money from that but it ended up just being channeled into grades.

That's unfortunately the problem with putting too much weight behind the idea that Aspergers = success. The musicians and tech geniuses and actors are the few individuals who succeed, whereas the rest of us end up just being social outcasts with nothing to show for it.

I honestly do wish the best for you and hope that you can carve out a path that makes you happy, I really do. If you have the energy and time, I'm sure there's something you could monetize even if you have to brush up on things like making websites. There's definitely still money to be made in web design, and you can probably learn a programming language in a few weeks from YouTube.

 

[crystalskies31]

I worked in IT, specifically in network engineering, and then had a brief career within the finance industry before donating all my money to my family and a girl I love, owning just a few bottles of N to say goodbye to the world with (I'm going to CTB in a few weeks).


That's unfortunately the problem with putting too much weight behind the idea that Aspergers = success. The musicians and tech geniuses and actors are the few individuals who succeed, whereas the rest of us end up just being social outcasts with nothing to show for it.

I honestly do wish the best for you and hope that you can carve out a path that makes you happy, I really do. If you have the energy and time, I'm sure there's something you could monetize even if you have to brush up on things like making websites. There's definitely still money to be made in web design, and you can probably learn a programming language in a few weeks from YouTube.

Thanks! Well, to be honest I don't know if I have energy and time. Maybe in the future. But my mental health is really bad and I have a chronic illness which make it really hard. I think it would be difficult to learn anything competitive in programming that quickly too, because everyone can learn online now and I would be disadvantaged by being ill and having no time. Hence feeling trapped.

However thank you for your post. I am glad you were able to have a great career and a family and loved ones (I don't have much of that). I'm guessing you have lived a while/long time and I'm glad you have N and not other things (I can't afford it)
Also, in my opinion/feeling, these things are not straight forward. In my circumstances it might just be very limited what I can do as I become exhausted very quickly by "normal life". It's really a shame because I have a really high IQ. If I was just allowed to live alone in a field and with the right training from an early age, maybe I could do some amazing things. Who knows

 

[foreveralone]

Of course, it has been a pleasure talking with you.

I will say again though that I'm so sorry you have a chronic illness as well as the mental health struggles.

I totally get your feelings of being trapped and I'm sorry you're having to suffer with no solution.

I know words don't really mean anything but I hope you manage to find some peace (however that is) soon. I know the harsh reality is that most of us won't, but the one bit of optimism I can offer you is if you manage to scrape enough money to get N or SN or something similar, the peace you feel knowing things are back in your control is beyond amazing.

And I have no doubt someone with your intelligence will achieve that!

I wish that peace on everyone who is suffering

 

[Pluto]

There was another thread recently in which someone raised the point that it is difficult to distinguish some traits of high-functioning autism from the results of abuse. (For example, ongoing difficulty in social settings.) I wanted to reply because this has been a big theme in my life. The family who abused me paid a psychologist to diagnose me with a condition (Asperger's) that attributed my quirks to genetic defect, thus helping conceal their misdeeds. And yet, there's no escaping that my social skills are dreadful, even beyond those of typical abuse victims, and I've ultimately had to accept the dreaded autism label.

Personally, I have quite a negative view of Asperger's. It is like trading the ability to have friends and loved ones for a slight boost in intellectual capacity. In fact, I've often commented that I wouldn't wish it on the worst person in the world.

The counterpoint that I keep hearing is that when people are given support with these challenges, they can be largely overcome. I cannot name any particular success stories, but nor can I disprove this claim. It is worth looking into.

 

[Weebster]

I have a younger relative with Aspergers. She gets along fine. She prefers being alone and doesn't suffer from it.

 

[Grey-zoner]

There was another thread recently in which someone raised the point that it is difficult to distinguish some traits of high-functioning autism from the results of abuse. (For example, ongoing difficulty in social settings.) I wanted to reply because this has been a big theme in my life. The family who abused me paid a psychologist to diagnose me with a condition (Asperger's) that attributed my quirks to genetic defect, thus helping conceal their misdeeds. And yet, there's no escaping that my social skills are dreadful, even beyond those of typical abuse victims, and I've ultimately had to accept the dreaded autism label.
...
The counterpoint that I keep hearing is that when people are given support with these challenges, they can be largely overcome. I cannot name any particular success stories, but nor can I disprove this claim. It is worth looking into.

A lot of these diagnoses occupy a spectrum, obviously. I was taken out of school and neglected by my parents from 11 to 18, so my social difficulties, for example, look a lot like if someone had Aspergers. Other people who've been diagnosed might also have had similar socially neglectful, abusive, or generally deprived environments in childhood (and adulthood, for that matter).
I've also felt the need for some kind of database of "positive outcomes" for these sorts of circumstances. As a man still living with his parents in his early 30s, I feel that any kind of evidence contrary to the hypothesis that "it's over" would be very welcome. Some kind of website dedicated to this topic of people turning their lives around would make a bigger difference than most therapists.

 

[Dead Ghost]

I've mentioned a few times that I've been diagnosed in adulthood and also that the information I get from my web searches doesn't quite match my experience.
I am not affected by the diagnosis or anything, I am 44 years old, but if I am harmed by all the popular stereotypes that have spread about Asperger's and that change the way others treat me (in the family no, they still don't quite believe it) ... before they treated me like shit and now they treat me like a child.

The fact is that when you look for jobs for people with ASD you find things like:
High Tolerance to pressure
Great ability to concentrate
Produce high quality products in a short time

I think they think we are a kind of machine that never runs out or ask for anything and we come out very cheap. But the reality, as I learned a long time ago, is that there are many Asperger's who do not have these abilities and cannot lead a self-sufficient life ... many have a painful life, not a successful life.

But I'm not ashamed of being the way I am, I'm just angry that now I'm being demanded to be something I am not and never will be.

Spoiler: Original Text

Ja he comentat algunes vegades que a mi me l'han diagnosticat en l'etapa adulta i també que la informació que obtinc en les cerques que faig per la xarxa no es correspón del tot amb la meva experiència.
A mi no m'afecta el diagnóstic ni m'aporta res, tinc 44 anys, però si em perjudiquen tots els estereotips populars que s'han extés sobre l'Asperger i que modifiquen el tracte cap a mi de les altres persones (a la família no, ells encara no s'ho creuen del tot)... abans em tractaven com una merda i ara em tracten com un nen.

El cas es que alhora de cercar feines adreçades a persones amb TEA et trobes coses com:
Alta Tolerància a la pressió
Gran capacitat de concentració
Produïr productes de molta qualitat en poc temps

Penso que es pensen que som una espécie de màquines que no s'esgoten mai ni demanem res i sortim ben barats. Però la realitat, segons em vaig assebentar fa temps, es que hi han molts Asperger's que no tenen aquestes capacitats ni poden portar una vida autosuficent... molts tenen una vida penosa, no pas una vida d'èxit.

Però jo no m'avergonyeixo de ser com sóc, només m'emprenya que ara m'exigeixin ser una cosa que no sóc pas ni seré mai.

 

[sfabians]

"The worst part of Asperger's is being smart enough to know that you're socially awkward and knowing that there's nothing you can do about it.
It has destroyed many potential friendships/relationships/job opportunities and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.
The one shot i had at life is ruined all because of asperger's and there's nothing i can do about it. I don't know how much longer I can take this." - Link

 

[crystalskies31]

There was another thread recently in which someone raised the point that it is difficult to distinguish some traits of high-functioning autism from the results of abuse. (For example, ongoing difficulty in social settings.) I wanted to reply because this has been a big theme in my life. The family who abused me paid a psychologist to diagnose me with a condition (Asperger's) that attributed my quirks to genetic defect, thus helping conceal their misdeeds. And yet, there's no escaping that my social skills are dreadful, even beyond those of typical abuse victims, and I've ultimately had to accept the dreaded autism label.

Personally, I have quite a negative view of Asperger's. It is like trading the ability to have friends and loved ones for a slight boost in intellectual capacity. In fact, I've often commented that I wouldn't wish it on the worst person in the world.

The counterpoint that I keep hearing is that when people are given support with these challenges, they can be largely overcome. I cannot name any particular success stories, but nor can I disprove this claim. It is worth looking into.

Hi,

I really agree with this. I myself had a similar experience. This is also why they struggled to diagnose me with autism: it was kind of 50/50 that and abuse, so in the end the psych just said I was so traumatised I'd need therapy forever (and that they couldn't give me any in my country) and literally shut the door in my face.
And, I do also agree that with the right support, anyone can thrive!
It's just gotten to a point with me where I cannot support myself any more.