jisi
Member
- Oct 6, 2024
- 12
i'm sure at least some people on here understand what it's like to be facially challenged — we're on a suicide forum after all. i'm also sure that there's already plenty of posts going into great detail about it, so what i have to say isn't going to be particularly special. nevertheless, this post is just going to be meandering about it for quite a while. i highly doubt anyone's going to read it to the end, let alone give a damn about what some random person on the internet has to say, but i just need to feel as if i'm talking to at least someone.
for context, i was born a black girl, the youngest out of 6 children. i also happen to be the only girl in my family, which went extremely well of course, but that's a topic for another time. the reason for my existence is sort of a funny one: it being the fact that my mother desperately wanted a girl but also happened to be unlucky the first 5 times around. thus, i came to be brought into existence for such a stupidly trivial reason.
growing up, i had to deal with the unfortunate circumstances of not being genetically gifted in the facial region, to put it nicely. to be blunt, i was hideously fucking ugly. my nose is big, my forehead is bigger, my lips are embarrassingly small for a person of my descent, and if i smile (god forbid), it makes me appear as if i had aged a few decades as well as it being horribly asymmetrical. now, this isn't just me being picky; these are all things i've been told directly or indirectly, mainly by my brothers and my friends at the time. from an objective standpoint, everything is just wrong about my face.
for quite a while, i alluded to my ugliness being a consequence of my blackness, simply because my brothers would do the same. my brothers would always hammer their views on black women into me whenever they got the chance to: how they're ghetto, aggressive, hideous, the most undesirable type of person to every single other race, everything under the fucking sun pretty much.
however, i went to a pretty diverse school and i saw all of the other black girls there — they were all doing fine. it was me who stood out, and i became aware of that from quite an early age. even back in primary school, all of my friends were far cuter than i was, and so a lot of boys would tend to have crushes on them. i was fated to be the exception. i noticed that whenever boys had crushes on girls, which usually occurred when they hardly even knew them, it meant that they just found them pretty. naturally, i came to realise that there's something wrong with my face.
during high school, i started experimenting with my looks and getting into self improvement. trust me, i've done a lot. i learned how to do my hair and makeup, i've gained weight, i've lost weight, i learned how to become more open and true to myself, i've put on every act under the sun, but to no avail. it seemed that every pretty colour i painted on just got completely sucked in and disappeared into my black hole of a canvas, and it was ultimately meaningless. after a while, i just decided to give up, which leads me to where i am today.
now, i want to go over the experiences i've had with being ugly and just random observations i've made that relate to this subject. i thought it would be fun to compile them all into a little list because why not honestly:
1. pity compliments
this especially rings true if you grew up as a girl with prettier friends. a lot of people tend to be dishonest about it for a variety of reasons, reasons that i'm not entirely sure of. perhaps it's to make you feel better? but whenever someone tells me 'nooo you're not ugly you're so prettyyyy' i cannot decide for the life of me whether i want to kill them or kill myself or both. i'm sure they have good intentions, but it's hard to believe when all of the experiences you've had tell you otherwise. i'd rather have them tell me that i'm ugly and call it a day. it's worse when they give you that 'everyone is beautiful in their own way
' bullshit. it's tiring.
2. cute when they do it, annoying when you do it
if you have a chatty personality and you're ugly, there's no hope for you. i'm sure you've encountered a lot of people who are very talkative and are generally well liked by others around them. however, whenever you talk a lot, it's as if people are politely gesturing at you to piss off. this stands true in a lot of areas, not just talking a lot. say, if you have a slightly peculiar hobby you enjoy, when you're ugly it contributes to you being seen as a freak and therefore uglier. of course, its the opposite if you're pretty.
3. automatically the funny one in the friend group
it's quite self explanatory. i've been in a couple of friend groups before and my entire value in them was based on how much i could make anyone else laugh. if you're unable to do that you're basically useless and not worth anyone's time, which is annoying because jokes tend to land better when you're more attractive so you'd have to REALLY try to be funny.
4. you have to essentially be superhuman to garner attention
it's a well established fact that it's generally harder for lesser attractive people to get noticed. however, i've noticed that people who dramatically exceed in any field will have better luck. you pretty much have to be extremely impressive in your chosen skill — being average does not cut it.
5. good luck on finding a partner
self explanatory.
6. there will be dickheads
this is the polar opposite of the first point. there'll always be plenty of people around who'll happily remind you of the way your face looks. they are just as insufferable as people who lie to your face, if not worse. whilst there's an element of truth in what they say, you also have to consider the reasons as for why they felt the need to go out of their way to tell you something that you presumably already know. it's no secret that it's a way for them to cope with their own insecurities by punching down. however, for me personally, it's kind of hard to completely dismiss what they're saying, despite them just being a dickhead who has nothing new to say. it makes me feel bad, and then i berate myself for feeling bad and i start to feel worse, and then it just proceeds into an endless cycle. they always win regardless of what you try to make out of it, which sucks but it's inevitable. people will always be people.
7. ugliness is colourblind
this one is more of a personal one as you can tell. i assumed that the reason as for why i'm ugly is because i'm black for a good portion of my life. it has brought me great comfort to realise that ugliness isn't exclusive to one race in particular, but all of them. no matter what your ethnic makeup is, there's bound to be a couple of uglies in the group you belong to. the biological instincts you have when determining whether something is ugly or not does not discriminate at all.
8. we're apes that somehow became smart, but still apes regardless
human beings are so insanely complex, but simultaneously so simple. there's no escaping our animalistic tendencies, and being pretty is just a sign of health and good genes, in which contributes to fertility. of course, it'll get kind of weird to think about at a certain point: like if people were to congratulate a particular individual for being beautiful, it's sort of like saying "you will perpetuate the species" to them. however, i won't go there as i don't think it's THAT simple. but we as human beings enjoy seeing beautiful things — it's in our nature to. we'll never be able to live in a world where it does not matter. what i've learned is that you can not reshape beauty standards and shame other people into finding the undesirable desirable. you can say or do anything you want, delude yourself into believing that you're the most attractive being on planet earth if you must, but things will not change and it's ultimately going to be a waste of time from your end. of course, i won't deny that a portion of what we deem as beautiful is cultural, but there surely is an objective standard. i've learned to live with the fact that i cannot meet those standards without having gone under any invasive procedures to alter my appearance. there's only so much i can do currently, and at my best i'm just below average. because of all of this, i won't cry or demand others to treat me the way i want to be treated. it's just a product of our existence. there's bound to be people who'll fall short when it comes to these standards, and i can say with utmost certainty that i am one of them. the only choices i have are to live with it or opt out, and i'm sure you could imagine what my choice is.
i think i'll end it here. if anyone's still reading, thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen to me. if you have any more points you'd like to add on or share your own experiences with being ugly, please feel free to. i'd be glad to hear them out. <3
for context, i was born a black girl, the youngest out of 6 children. i also happen to be the only girl in my family, which went extremely well of course, but that's a topic for another time. the reason for my existence is sort of a funny one: it being the fact that my mother desperately wanted a girl but also happened to be unlucky the first 5 times around. thus, i came to be brought into existence for such a stupidly trivial reason.
growing up, i had to deal with the unfortunate circumstances of not being genetically gifted in the facial region, to put it nicely. to be blunt, i was hideously fucking ugly. my nose is big, my forehead is bigger, my lips are embarrassingly small for a person of my descent, and if i smile (god forbid), it makes me appear as if i had aged a few decades as well as it being horribly asymmetrical. now, this isn't just me being picky; these are all things i've been told directly or indirectly, mainly by my brothers and my friends at the time. from an objective standpoint, everything is just wrong about my face.
for quite a while, i alluded to my ugliness being a consequence of my blackness, simply because my brothers would do the same. my brothers would always hammer their views on black women into me whenever they got the chance to: how they're ghetto, aggressive, hideous, the most undesirable type of person to every single other race, everything under the fucking sun pretty much.
however, i went to a pretty diverse school and i saw all of the other black girls there — they were all doing fine. it was me who stood out, and i became aware of that from quite an early age. even back in primary school, all of my friends were far cuter than i was, and so a lot of boys would tend to have crushes on them. i was fated to be the exception. i noticed that whenever boys had crushes on girls, which usually occurred when they hardly even knew them, it meant that they just found them pretty. naturally, i came to realise that there's something wrong with my face.
during high school, i started experimenting with my looks and getting into self improvement. trust me, i've done a lot. i learned how to do my hair and makeup, i've gained weight, i've lost weight, i learned how to become more open and true to myself, i've put on every act under the sun, but to no avail. it seemed that every pretty colour i painted on just got completely sucked in and disappeared into my black hole of a canvas, and it was ultimately meaningless. after a while, i just decided to give up, which leads me to where i am today.
now, i want to go over the experiences i've had with being ugly and just random observations i've made that relate to this subject. i thought it would be fun to compile them all into a little list because why not honestly:
1. pity compliments
this especially rings true if you grew up as a girl with prettier friends. a lot of people tend to be dishonest about it for a variety of reasons, reasons that i'm not entirely sure of. perhaps it's to make you feel better? but whenever someone tells me 'nooo you're not ugly you're so prettyyyy' i cannot decide for the life of me whether i want to kill them or kill myself or both. i'm sure they have good intentions, but it's hard to believe when all of the experiences you've had tell you otherwise. i'd rather have them tell me that i'm ugly and call it a day. it's worse when they give you that 'everyone is beautiful in their own way
' bullshit. it's tiring. 2. cute when they do it, annoying when you do it
if you have a chatty personality and you're ugly, there's no hope for you. i'm sure you've encountered a lot of people who are very talkative and are generally well liked by others around them. however, whenever you talk a lot, it's as if people are politely gesturing at you to piss off. this stands true in a lot of areas, not just talking a lot. say, if you have a slightly peculiar hobby you enjoy, when you're ugly it contributes to you being seen as a freak and therefore uglier. of course, its the opposite if you're pretty.
3. automatically the funny one in the friend group
it's quite self explanatory. i've been in a couple of friend groups before and my entire value in them was based on how much i could make anyone else laugh. if you're unable to do that you're basically useless and not worth anyone's time, which is annoying because jokes tend to land better when you're more attractive so you'd have to REALLY try to be funny.
4. you have to essentially be superhuman to garner attention
it's a well established fact that it's generally harder for lesser attractive people to get noticed. however, i've noticed that people who dramatically exceed in any field will have better luck. you pretty much have to be extremely impressive in your chosen skill — being average does not cut it.
5. good luck on finding a partner
self explanatory.
6. there will be dickheads
this is the polar opposite of the first point. there'll always be plenty of people around who'll happily remind you of the way your face looks. they are just as insufferable as people who lie to your face, if not worse. whilst there's an element of truth in what they say, you also have to consider the reasons as for why they felt the need to go out of their way to tell you something that you presumably already know. it's no secret that it's a way for them to cope with their own insecurities by punching down. however, for me personally, it's kind of hard to completely dismiss what they're saying, despite them just being a dickhead who has nothing new to say. it makes me feel bad, and then i berate myself for feeling bad and i start to feel worse, and then it just proceeds into an endless cycle. they always win regardless of what you try to make out of it, which sucks but it's inevitable. people will always be people.
7. ugliness is colourblind
this one is more of a personal one as you can tell. i assumed that the reason as for why i'm ugly is because i'm black for a good portion of my life. it has brought me great comfort to realise that ugliness isn't exclusive to one race in particular, but all of them. no matter what your ethnic makeup is, there's bound to be a couple of uglies in the group you belong to. the biological instincts you have when determining whether something is ugly or not does not discriminate at all.
8. we're apes that somehow became smart, but still apes regardless
human beings are so insanely complex, but simultaneously so simple. there's no escaping our animalistic tendencies, and being pretty is just a sign of health and good genes, in which contributes to fertility. of course, it'll get kind of weird to think about at a certain point: like if people were to congratulate a particular individual for being beautiful, it's sort of like saying "you will perpetuate the species" to them. however, i won't go there as i don't think it's THAT simple. but we as human beings enjoy seeing beautiful things — it's in our nature to. we'll never be able to live in a world where it does not matter. what i've learned is that you can not reshape beauty standards and shame other people into finding the undesirable desirable. you can say or do anything you want, delude yourself into believing that you're the most attractive being on planet earth if you must, but things will not change and it's ultimately going to be a waste of time from your end. of course, i won't deny that a portion of what we deem as beautiful is cultural, but there surely is an objective standard. i've learned to live with the fact that i cannot meet those standards without having gone under any invasive procedures to alter my appearance. there's only so much i can do currently, and at my best i'm just below average. because of all of this, i won't cry or demand others to treat me the way i want to be treated. it's just a product of our existence. there's bound to be people who'll fall short when it comes to these standards, and i can say with utmost certainty that i am one of them. the only choices i have are to live with it or opt out, and i'm sure you could imagine what my choice is.
i think i'll end it here. if anyone's still reading, thank you for taking the time out of your day to listen to me. if you have any more points you'd like to add on or share your own experiences with being ugly, please feel free to. i'd be glad to hear them out. <3
