loslassen
Nine
- Dec 8, 2023
- 196
I suppose you could say this is a part 2 to my last thread.
I opted to coming out to my family and friends, and while I received simple support from most, the people closest to me seem to have the most issues with this. I'm trying really hard to figure out who I am at all, and going through gender identity fluctuations is nothing more but a part of it. It's not like I've decided to fully transition, but the changes in my life so far feel good one after the other (like clothing, hair, pronouns) until I see family's faces, hear family's words.
I just end up feeling so fucking embarrassing, the little good I feel about the changes I make just vanishes when somebody I love slightly squints their eyes, or bring out how I might just be going though a phase. I'm not a child, I don't understand where the words come from as if I'm naive enough or as if it's even possible to do "irreversible changes" to myself like testosterone or a mastectomy as if that stuff doesn't take months or years to effectuate. I try to be informed in all perspectives, medical, social, transitioned and de-transitioned alike, but all of that stuff is for me to figure out as I experiment with this new part of myself, and to be frank, everything has been feeling great so far. I don't know what to do.
I know I hate my body, I hate how I look and I hate how I'm perceived, I can't stand wearing tights clothing now that I have short hair. I feel ugly when I try to be feminine in a girly way, even though I enjoy being feminine in a boyish way, if that makes sense. I suffer just existing in this body. I need to do something fast. and that's how I end up allowing the self hatred become strong enough to let any small inconvenience trigger me and self harm.
I just hate myself so much recently, I feel so embarrassing.
I opted to coming out to my family and friends, and while I received simple support from most, the people closest to me seem to have the most issues with this. I'm trying really hard to figure out who I am at all, and going through gender identity fluctuations is nothing more but a part of it. It's not like I've decided to fully transition, but the changes in my life so far feel good one after the other (like clothing, hair, pronouns) until I see family's faces, hear family's words.
I just end up feeling so fucking embarrassing, the little good I feel about the changes I make just vanishes when somebody I love slightly squints their eyes, or bring out how I might just be going though a phase. I'm not a child, I don't understand where the words come from as if I'm naive enough or as if it's even possible to do "irreversible changes" to myself like testosterone or a mastectomy as if that stuff doesn't take months or years to effectuate. I try to be informed in all perspectives, medical, social, transitioned and de-transitioned alike, but all of that stuff is for me to figure out as I experiment with this new part of myself, and to be frank, everything has been feeling great so far. I don't know what to do.
I know I hate my body, I hate how I look and I hate how I'm perceived, I can't stand wearing tights clothing now that I have short hair. I feel ugly when I try to be feminine in a girly way, even though I enjoy being feminine in a boyish way, if that makes sense. I suffer just existing in this body. I need to do something fast. and that's how I end up allowing the self hatred become strong enough to let any small inconvenience trigger me and self harm.
I just hate myself so much recently, I feel so embarrassing.
