seeweed
Member
- Feb 2, 2026
- 30
thats your name, why are you guilty? those are your pronouns, why are you guilty? thats you, so why?
Deep in my heart, no matter how much I push "him" away, "he'll" always be there.
Everytime I talk, it feels like my throat tightens up and all I just wanna do is slit it and create that thick line of crimson blood. "Im a boy." My voice is high pitched, and does not sound masculine at all. I cannot afford T, and sure as hell that my parents would laugh at that idea of me even wanting it. All I can do to feel like a real boy is to use clothes that seem to be "too" big on me. I cannot even cut my hair short because my mom doesnt allow it. Im inside a house thats full of religious people and even wanting to dress myself in clothes like that is told to be a sin for them– im not religious, but where in the bible says that? since im not religious, and have no belief in a higher being, why would that apply to me?
Im envious. Upset– no, MAD at the fact I have to wait for things others are born with. I just find it mad that us trans people have to spend so much money just for society to accept us. I have no privileges. I was never offered a space where I can embrace my true self. It was never about becoming a new person, but embracing who I've always really been. Deep inside, I know Im a real boy. But why do I feel so guilty to the point I feel like Im forcing the people around me to accept change?
There are people that accept me for who I've always been, but I find myself hesitating or even questioning their acceptance and support for me. Do you really see me as a real boy? I dont pass at all because I have no accessible ways to even pass. Like I said, a toxic religious household with no means of accepting people who are different to them. And what makes it worse is how to them– I am simply just a problem child. "no haircut thats too short," "you can wear baggy clothes, but not that baggy! Why are you hiding it?!"
"Why do you want to hide your body so bad?"
"Problem child" tomato tomahto. If i hear those words again I am going to cut my ears off and a thud from what is to be my flesh is heard from their ears as they stare in horror.
I found my old stuff. I was going through it, and I've found makeup, princess toys, girly things that just seem unfamiliar to me. I mean, now that im processing the fact im trans, well.. a still confused one; I ask myself, what went wrong? I find myself repeating the same trash, disgusting words my parents have said to me.
I looked at my old baby pictures. Again, I question myself. If I simply just pushed aside this feeling of mine, would I be more content? happier? Maybe not happier; maybe less unfortunate and pitiful. Sometimes I just want to restart. Maybe like a do over. This is the only life I get and im not happy with the name given to me or the sex that I'm born with. A gender that im assigned with.
I dont even care anymore if people misgender me. Sometimes it just feels easier to deal with that than having to feel the weight and shame for being trans.
Deep in my heart, no matter how much I push "him" away, "he'll" always be there.
Everytime I talk, it feels like my throat tightens up and all I just wanna do is slit it and create that thick line of crimson blood. "Im a boy." My voice is high pitched, and does not sound masculine at all. I cannot afford T, and sure as hell that my parents would laugh at that idea of me even wanting it. All I can do to feel like a real boy is to use clothes that seem to be "too" big on me. I cannot even cut my hair short because my mom doesnt allow it. Im inside a house thats full of religious people and even wanting to dress myself in clothes like that is told to be a sin for them– im not religious, but where in the bible says that? since im not religious, and have no belief in a higher being, why would that apply to me?
Im envious. Upset– no, MAD at the fact I have to wait for things others are born with. I just find it mad that us trans people have to spend so much money just for society to accept us. I have no privileges. I was never offered a space where I can embrace my true self. It was never about becoming a new person, but embracing who I've always really been. Deep inside, I know Im a real boy. But why do I feel so guilty to the point I feel like Im forcing the people around me to accept change?
There are people that accept me for who I've always been, but I find myself hesitating or even questioning their acceptance and support for me. Do you really see me as a real boy? I dont pass at all because I have no accessible ways to even pass. Like I said, a toxic religious household with no means of accepting people who are different to them. And what makes it worse is how to them– I am simply just a problem child. "no haircut thats too short," "you can wear baggy clothes, but not that baggy! Why are you hiding it?!"
"Why do you want to hide your body so bad?"
"Problem child" tomato tomahto. If i hear those words again I am going to cut my ears off and a thud from what is to be my flesh is heard from their ears as they stare in horror.
I found my old stuff. I was going through it, and I've found makeup, princess toys, girly things that just seem unfamiliar to me. I mean, now that im processing the fact im trans, well.. a still confused one; I ask myself, what went wrong? I find myself repeating the same trash, disgusting words my parents have said to me.
I looked at my old baby pictures. Again, I question myself. If I simply just pushed aside this feeling of mine, would I be more content? happier? Maybe not happier; maybe less unfortunate and pitiful. Sometimes I just want to restart. Maybe like a do over. This is the only life I get and im not happy with the name given to me or the sex that I'm born with. A gender that im assigned with.
I dont even care anymore if people misgender me. Sometimes it just feels easier to deal with that than having to feel the weight and shame for being trans.
