I just had to share my thoughts & feelings; please indulge me...
I could never even imagine the challenges and hardships you must have to face on a daily / minute by minute basis:
the way the world treats you (and your // our kind). Not only do you have the external aspects of acceptance / visibility / respect in the way the outside world treats you - but you have this inner conflict of struggling to accept the state that you are in - wherever you are in your transformation.
I grew up in the dark ages and although i was out i was a champion swimmer so i gained acceptance through sports;\
though I got the AIDS in the swimming pool / no nudes near me in the change-room - all the taunts & terrorizing they could come up with. The irony was that I accepted myself less than my schoolmates did.
In my college years & clubland I met trans friends (what strength they have - imagine being a black trans woman in racial south africa!?) & they taught me about true acceptance (if you are silent in the wake of adversity - you have taken the side of the oppressors) both outer & inner: if i'm not hot enough / built enough / rich enough / popular enough / funny enough / clever enough / creative enough / hung enough / connected enough etc etc then no-one will love / want / accept / respect me...?! know the feeling?!
even in queer-core my trans friends were sidelined / shunned - the irony yeah? it was the trans ladies and drag queens that pushed back at stonewall riots - not the 'butch' gym-bunnies. Think about that.
What you have and what you are is a magical mix (the Native Americans called you berdache - shamanically able to walk between worlds) of something evolved & enlightened.
your time will come [your time is now] in my day trans people could only be sexworkers & go-go dancers at clubs; but now you have rights... although i believe that trans people have this sexual power / energy that shouldn't be denied! a friend is trans and she runs the cosmetics advertising on a national level. at one time the only job she could get was handing out tickets and cum-towels at the Factory leather bar /sex-club ...
i know you feel alien - i beg you don't alienate yourself :: somewhere out there is a group of friends that will love you till you learn to love yourself - join a group - i dare you. if i was 20 years younger and had no-one prescribe any limitations :: wow. though that's not an excuse I was your typical goth / rave bunny - and then as i got older i got a bit more conservative and my recovery got me into the gym - but that isn't an excuse either... (hope that makes sense)
& it won't be easy; & there will be bitches & uglies - but they exist everywhere... please do whatever it takes to keep on fighting (and not with yourself) & reach out to trans support groups yeah.
don't throw it all away 'cos you haven't / can't attain your private notion of 'perfect gender id' - none of us are really that perfect (except maybe for Amanda Lepore!)
if you are able try watch this documentary:
...& Marsha P Johnson & Sylvia Ray Riviera are incredible. Shunned by the gay community - that is our shame.
Please watch the separateness in Gay Culture - we have far to go...
as much as Ru-Paul makes me cringe (not every drag queen has to be a 'superficial / comic / bitchy / underserving of respect' she'r right - "how can you expect anyone to learn to love you - if you don't learn to love yourself..."
everyone has hardships; & you have yours -i don't minimise that ever yeah - know from the outside I respect you / & my heart goes out to you & your struggle... be an icon for those that struggle with trans id and suicidal ideation :: the percentage of trans suicides etc is horrendous. and they are so so young.
(i have yet to find a trans friend courageous enough to shed light on the darkness (weakness? - sic)
and speak out about the fight for survival - share your learnings...
surely you'd want to help someone struggling with your issues to learn from your hard-won experience?
it's not only about learning how to tuck that cock away, baby!
