Venting Being trans feels like a never ending nightmare

[illandlonely]

I found out I was trans relatively young (around 14, I'm mtf btw), I took a while till I was able to get on hormones, I had a transphobic doctor's and support system plus I was kicked out of my place at 16 so it made it hard to do anything but survive for a while.

Ctb has always been on my mind until I took hormones, and for what felt like a brief moment in my life that lasted just 2 years I felt like living. Right now, I feel like the repression of my true emotions about my life has finally leaked out.

Being trans has both satisfed alot of my mental stress and added a bunch more. Sometimes when the disphoria is bad I'll present as feminine as possible, though this has caused me to be cat called and get sexually harassed a lot. So then I try and back down to more modest feminine clothes, then I'll just get mis gendered or harassed for being visibly trans. No matter what I do I feel like I'll never be right, I'll never fit in, not even other trans ppl like me, they always seemed annoyed I even approached them. I don't have any friends and whenever I try to be social to anyone they all give me the same disgusted look when they hear my deep voice yap.

I just want to give up. It would be so easy to give up right now, this form has helped a lot. This is my first post but I've been lerking for a while.

 

[Adûnâi]

I don't have any friends and whenever I try to be social to anyone they all give me the same disgusted look when they hear my deep voice yap.

I wonder whether you'd exchange your voice for mine, mine is 170 Hz and sounds absolutely vile to me, but maybe it would be better? Or is it all garbage?

 

[illandlonely]

Is rather have 170 hz for sure. Mine defaults to 100hz- 120hz. It's low and if I want to try and go any higher its not only painful for a long period of time but also the fakest thing int he world. I don't really have anywhere safe to practice to so it's kinda just ucky.

I wonder whether you'd exchange your voice for mine, mine is 170 Hz and sounds absolutely vile to me, but maybe it would be better? Or is it all garbage?

 

[Kadaver]

I found out I was trans relatively young (around 14, I'm mtf btw), I took a while till I was able to get on hormones, I had a transphobic doctor's and support system plus I was kicked out of my place at 16 so it made it hard to do anything but survive for a while.

Ctb has always been on my mind until I took hormones, and for what felt like a brief moment in my life that lasted just 2 years I felt like living. Right now, I feel like the repression of my true emotions about my life has finally leaked out.

Being trans has both satisfed alot of my mental stress and added a bunch more. Sometimes when the disphoria is bad I'll present as feminine as possible, though this has caused me to be cat called and get sexually harassed a lot. So then I try and back down to more modest feminine clothes, then I'll just get mis gendered or harassed for being visibly trans. No matter what I do I feel like I'll never be right, I'll never fit in, not even other trans ppl like me, they always seemed annoyed I even approached them. I don't have any friends and whenever I try to be social to anyone they all give me the same disgusted look when they hear my deep voice yap.

I just want to give up. It would be so easy to give up right now, this form has helped a lot. This is my first post but I've been lerking for a while.

Im trans too but my experience is different. I always sorta knew I was gay but I remember finding out what being trans was when I was maybe 14 and thinking "I wish I had been born a boy. I would be happier." but I didn't get to really dwell on that thought as I was shipped off to a Christian school where I tried so so hard to be hetero for the sake of my dads approval.

I became homophobic and transphobic in an effort to bury these parts of me to where I wouldn't feel them anymore. When the covid lockdown happened I was forced to slow down and just think. It was during that time that I really accepted my sexuality and began researching different gender identities. I got a binder through a mass giveaway and started wearing it. Even though it brought me physical discomfort due to the size of my chest I felt more like myself when I was wearing it.

I feel like now that I've opened the floodgates the dysphoria won't stop or go away. I don't really bind anymore because of how uncomfortable it feels so I spend my time trying not to think about my chest at all. I try not to think about how I'm probably stuck with my chest the way it is forever because when I do I just start to break down. I was on T for a few months before anxiety caused me to stop.

My voice makes me dysphoric too; I just don't sound like I wish I did. Not even close. I spend every day trying not to think about any of this. If killing myself meant I would be reborn as a man I would do it immediately without hesitation.

 

[illandlonely]

Im trans too but my experience is different. I always sorta knew I was gay but I remember finding out what being trans was when I was maybe 14 and thinking "I wish I had been born a boy. I would be happier." but I didn't get to really dwell on that thought as I was shipped off to a Christian school where I tried so so hard to be hetero for the sake of my dads approval.

I became homophobic and transphobic in an effort to bury these parts of me to where I wouldn't feel them anymore. When the covid lockdown happened I was forced to slow down and just think. It was during that time that I really accepted my sexuality and began researching different gender identities. I got a binder through a mass giveaway and started wearing it. Even though it brought me physical discomfort due to the size of my chest I felt more like myself when I was wearing it.

I feel like now that I've opened the floodgates the dysphoria won't stop or go away. I don't really bind anymore because of how uncomfortable it feels so I spend my time trying not to think about my chest at all. I try not to think about how I'm probably stuck with my chest the way it is forever because when I do I just start to break down. I was on T for a few months before anxiety caused me to stop.

My voice makes me dysphoric too; I just don't sound like I wish I did. Not even close. I spend every day trying not to think about any of this. If killing myself meant I would be reborn as a man I would do it immediately without hesitation.

I feel you. Especially on the Christian school part, I also went to Christian school for elementary and they really... REALLY do not like queer people of any kind. It really does suck cuz I feel without that school, my self imagine would be a lot better

 

[Kadaver]

I feel you. Especially on the Christian school part, I also went to Christian school for elementary and they really... REALLY do not like queer people of any kind. It really does suck cuz I feel without that school, my self imagine would be a lot better

The school I went to didn't outwardly condemn queer people from what I remember but my father (who is very religious) did many times. I feel the same—had I not been shamed at such a young age I feel like I would be very different and most likely happier in some ways. I think I would have realized I was trans way sooner if I had been allowed to explore my identity when I was a child

 

[illandlonely]

The school I went to didn't outwardly condemn queer people from what I remember but my father (who is very religious) did many times. I feel the same—had I not been shamed at such a young age I feel like I would be very different and most likely happier in some ways. I think I would have realized I was trans way sooner if I had been allowed to explore my identity when I was a child

I feel like there should be more support for queer kids and closeted adults. It shouldn't be this scary to be who we are expect it is. It's horrifying and I really wish I could just be who I was assigned to at birth and be happy with it

 

[Kadaver]

I feel like there should be more support for queer kids and closeted adults. It shouldn't be this scary to be who we are expect it is. It's horrifying and I really wish I could just be who I was assigned to at birth and be happy with it

Same. I wish I was just ok with being a woman but the idea of referring to myself as a woman makes me feel completely disgusted with myself. Then I see transphobes on twitter saying the most horrible things I've ever heard about trans people and it makes me hate myself even more because is the things they say really how they see me? I'm ok with not passing perfectly—i like the idea of looking a bit androgynous. But not passing at all sounds like a nightmare. Being thought of as a woman who is just "mentally ill" sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. And I know I shouldn't care what transphobes think and part of me doesn't—its just the idea that someone sees me so horribly for just wanting to be myself that makes me feel like shit.

 

[illandlonely]

Same. I wish I was just ok with being a woman but the idea of referring to myself as a woman makes me feel completely disgusted with myself. Then I see transphobes on twitter saying the most horrible things I've ever heard about trans people and it makes me hate myself even more because is the things they say really how they see me? I'm ok with not passing perfectly—i like the idea of looking a bit androgynous. But not passing at all sounds like a nightmare. Being thought of as a woman who is just "mentally ill" sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. And I know I shouldn't care what transphobes think and part of me doesn't—its just the idea that someone sees me so horribly for just wanting to be myself that makes me feel like

Yeah I get that completely. It's hard not to doom scroll and look for hours at horrible transphobic shit because ppl don't usually have the guts to be that direct in person but online they'll share their true opinions. I found some transphobic opinions on my mom's Facebook even tho she says she's "fine" with this "phase" of my life

 

[Kadaver]

Yeah I get that completely. It's hard not to doom scroll and look for hours at horrible transphobic shit because ppl don't usually have the guts to be that direct in person but online they'll share their true opinions. I found some transphobic opinions on my mom's Facebook even tho she says she's "fine" with this "phase" of my life

Omg my dad is very similar. He says he accepts me but he's always been very homophobic and transphobic in the past and its hard to know what his true opinions about trans people or me really are. He doesn't use Facebook anymore (and hasn't for years) so I can't look there. He doesn't really use any social media. Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward to when I'm either dead or have fully transitioned

 

[nyahaha01]

sorry senko-san ;~;

 

[illandlonely]

Omg my dad is very similar. He says he accepts me but he's always been very homophobic and transphobic in the past and its hard to know what his true opinions about trans people or me really are. He doesn't use Facebook anymore (and hasn't for years) so I can't look there. He doesn't really use any social media. Sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward to when I'm either dead or have fully transitioned

I hope you can transition soon. I know lots of mascs who look as cis as it gets. Ik it's hard to start tho especially in this political nightmare

 

[Kadaver]

I hope you can transition soon. I know lots of mascs who look as cis as it gets. Ik it's hard to start tho especially in this political nightmare

I hope I get there one day. I hope you're able to meet your transition goals too. It just feels impossible for me rn

 

[SoulWhisperer]

Being trans is indeed hard, much harder than living the typical cis life... I'm sorry you're going through this bad side of society...
I don't know what will happen to me and my identity since I stuck in a stalemate but no matter what I swear to myself to never disrespect others

 

[Didn't Ask For This]

I was in a 4-year relationship with a MTF girl. She had the sweetest parents, lots of friends and meant the whole world to me too. She impulsively CTB'd before I got the chance to propose to her. I understand that she had dysphoria and depression, but with all that love around her she still chose to do this? Girls are beautiful, Trans, CIS - doesn't matter. I will never look at anyone the same way I was looking at her. She was pretty, you are pretty. Everyone has something in them that attracts others.

 

[Sadgirl121]

As a transgirl myself I 10000% get the struggle, If I go out modestly dressed, I get called sir, when I go out in full skirt and crop top and heels I get cat called, I got lucky to meet my current partner, and the guy I just started talking to because they both treat me with respect and appreciate me for me.

 

[Spearmint]

I was in a 4-year relationship with a MTF girl. She had the sweetest parents, lots of friends and meant the whole world to me too. She impulsively CTB'd before I got the chance to propose to her. I understand that she had dysphoria and depression, but with all that love around her she still chose to do this? Girls are beautiful, Trans, CIS - doesn't matter. I will never look at anyone the same way I was looking at her. She was pretty, you are pretty. Everyone has something in them that attracts others.

I'm turly sorry this happened to you. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for around 4 years now and It hurts thinking about what ctb would do to him. He's the only one that would care too. Dysphoria can be so loud, and far too often consumes us. Humanity makes being trans such a burden even with a support system the world can be too much. I hope you are able to find peace despite all of this.

 

[Didn't Ask For This]

I'm turly sorry this happened to you. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend for around 4 years now and It hurts thinking about what ctb would do to him. He's the only one that would care too. Dysphoria can be so loud, and far too often consumes us. Humanity makes being trans such a burden even with a support system the world can be too much. I hope you are able to find peace despite all of this.

Thanks, I gave myself a year to try and get better. If nothing's going to change, I will probably CTB on her death anniversary. Just call him when you have an episode. The only thing I'm angry with her is that she didn't call when she was feeling down. I'm pretty sure I'd manage to talk her out of this and we'd chill and smile next day as we usually did... I can only tell you what happened to me after I lost her: I went from two cigarettes a day to pack and half of scotch a day -one week after her death. After initial shock went down I started getting really depressed, now it's been a month and taking a shower takes all my energy supply for the day and I'm still waking up with panic attacks a few times a week. And I still can't eat much, because I was the one cooking for her all the time, so I'm getting breakdowns when eating and end up with half a bowl of soup a day. Thereapists and pills won't bring her back and so they are not much of a help.