codeinesyruplover
geen genade
- Feb 13, 2024
- 17
Hi. I think that's it. I already got my SN and want to use it very soon. Here is my story and the main reason why i am catching the bus. Tbh I don't like when people feel sorry for me, because it means that you are pathetic in some way, but i don't think i can expect any other reaction after such a story. Just write what you think if you want.
Also a little warning for y'all. If you have the same problem and you feel that you want to recover and move on, i think you better not to read this topic, because it might be really frustrating and make you think about stuff you should probably not
I'm trans. I have been knowing about it for at least 5 years now, i was acting like a cis on the internet since i was in elementary school, and it has completely ruined me and my life. I won't mention my gender here to remain anonymous.
Imagine that you are an extrovert, the heart and soul of the group and a leader whose happiness is entirely based on the presence of other people in their life, and the more of them, the better. Now imagine being kept all alone in a cage by force, where all you can do is watch people outside do what you always wanted but couldn't. And all attempts to leave this cage end in incredible pain and disappointment in yourself.
What would you do? The internet became the only way out for me. I spent all of elementary, middle and high school staring at the monitor, trying to compensate for my unrealized need with internet friends, but would you be surprised that there's a gigantic gap between real and an internet society?
You'll never be able to fully realize your need for communication, when your only way to communicate is by typing letters in the chat. You'll never be able to become a real close friend to anyone, even if you consider someone as such, because they don't know who stands behind your profile, no one knows what kind of person you really are. The best thing you can do for yourself is to create an illusion for yourself to make yourself believe that you are loved like any other normal person, and sometimes return to your real body, to eat and drink so it can continue living and everything starts over again. So the real you is just letters and pics in someone's phone or pc, just a profile on some social which doesn't have any physical body, and that physical body isn't yours at all. Its flesh and blood are separate from you, they are fine and healthy and might be suitable for someone else, but not for you. And this body also starts to become unhealthy over time, sacrificing its condition to keep that illusion in your head, in reality accumulating more and more problems, both here and there.
And then comes the day X. You wake up and realize that all these years you have spent on lying to yourself. Everything you have created around you makes no sense, everyone who were your friends are in fact just strangers. Your body is so exhausted and no longer suitable for further use that it would take even longer and more painful years and a lot of money to repair it, and, probably, without any results. You can't work, you can't study, you can't hear your voice, look at your hands and see the world around you. You can't enjoy food, you can't go talk to someone, spend time in society, be happy for others, you can't have sex, lead projects and have hobbies. Because you are you. And even if you suddenly find motivation to continue living, so you can work for about a half your life in a country that has forbidden you to exist, arguing with your family, and one day you will be able to visit to a psychiatrist, nothing will actually change. Whether you undergo conversion therapy or hrt, all you get is one or another illusion, which doesn't change reality.
You're not a man, not a woman, you're just a copy of them, maybe a very good high-quality copy, everyone tells you that you is what you want to be, they tell you that they love you the way you are and just the same way they would love a normal person but that's not true. You are still the same wrong body, just molded to resemble the right one, but to be the right one, you had to be born made of the same stuff, or at least live the entire life cycle over again with your new body. All wasted years and problems with impossibility to have normal relationships will be with you until the very end. No one can help you with it.
It should not be like this. This is not life, this is an endless battle for the basic things that everyone has, in an attempt to find a peace. It's disgusting. It's destructive. It doesn't make any sense.
Also a little warning for y'all. If you have the same problem and you feel that you want to recover and move on, i think you better not to read this topic, because it might be really frustrating and make you think about stuff you should probably not
I'm trans. I have been knowing about it for at least 5 years now, i was acting like a cis on the internet since i was in elementary school, and it has completely ruined me and my life. I won't mention my gender here to remain anonymous.
Imagine that you are an extrovert, the heart and soul of the group and a leader whose happiness is entirely based on the presence of other people in their life, and the more of them, the better. Now imagine being kept all alone in a cage by force, where all you can do is watch people outside do what you always wanted but couldn't. And all attempts to leave this cage end in incredible pain and disappointment in yourself.
What would you do? The internet became the only way out for me. I spent all of elementary, middle and high school staring at the monitor, trying to compensate for my unrealized need with internet friends, but would you be surprised that there's a gigantic gap between real and an internet society?
You'll never be able to fully realize your need for communication, when your only way to communicate is by typing letters in the chat. You'll never be able to become a real close friend to anyone, even if you consider someone as such, because they don't know who stands behind your profile, no one knows what kind of person you really are. The best thing you can do for yourself is to create an illusion for yourself to make yourself believe that you are loved like any other normal person, and sometimes return to your real body, to eat and drink so it can continue living and everything starts over again. So the real you is just letters and pics in someone's phone or pc, just a profile on some social which doesn't have any physical body, and that physical body isn't yours at all. Its flesh and blood are separate from you, they are fine and healthy and might be suitable for someone else, but not for you. And this body also starts to become unhealthy over time, sacrificing its condition to keep that illusion in your head, in reality accumulating more and more problems, both here and there.
And then comes the day X. You wake up and realize that all these years you have spent on lying to yourself. Everything you have created around you makes no sense, everyone who were your friends are in fact just strangers. Your body is so exhausted and no longer suitable for further use that it would take even longer and more painful years and a lot of money to repair it, and, probably, without any results. You can't work, you can't study, you can't hear your voice, look at your hands and see the world around you. You can't enjoy food, you can't go talk to someone, spend time in society, be happy for others, you can't have sex, lead projects and have hobbies. Because you are you. And even if you suddenly find motivation to continue living, so you can work for about a half your life in a country that has forbidden you to exist, arguing with your family, and one day you will be able to visit to a psychiatrist, nothing will actually change. Whether you undergo conversion therapy or hrt, all you get is one or another illusion, which doesn't change reality.
You're not a man, not a woman, you're just a copy of them, maybe a very good high-quality copy, everyone tells you that you is what you want to be, they tell you that they love you the way you are and just the same way they would love a normal person but that's not true. You are still the same wrong body, just molded to resemble the right one, but to be the right one, you had to be born made of the same stuff, or at least live the entire life cycle over again with your new body. All wasted years and problems with impossibility to have normal relationships will be with you until the very end. No one can help you with it.
It should not be like this. This is not life, this is an endless battle for the basic things that everyone has, in an attempt to find a peace. It's disgusting. It's destructive. It doesn't make any sense.
