being trans and not being seen as gay

[eggsausagerice]

​

i feel guilty that i'm envious of gay/straight/bi people being happy because i spend the majority of my time being in my room and feeling miserable. there are a lot of gay people that are happy with their lives and don't hate themselves, but that's because they have supportive families and don't have to be closeted until they move out. my parents wouldn't be happy with me going out with anyone because they think the idea of dating at all is promiscuous. their parenting lead to me not talk to that many guys in general. i was always afraid of them. i still kind of am.

while coming to terms with my death, i've realized that i've never been in a real relationship because no one's ever reciprocated feelings for me, or the only people that would be interested in a long term relationship with me are straight people. it makes me feel like if i'm so unattractive to people with the same sexuality as me then i should just be straight, even though i've never felt straight before. i've only felt jealous of girls instead of attracted to them. cis straight guys just want me to be a girl for them and cis girls want me to be a lesbian, but i'm not either.

i feel like i'm getting more down about it these days and i don't know what to do or how to really cope with it, knowing it's one of the main reasons i want to commit suicide. pretty much everyone i know is capable of getting into a relationship or has been in one before, but i isolate from people or get anxious when people say they like being around me because i'm worried that they're assuming i'm a good person when i'm not. i don't feel like i'm the kind of person people should date because for most of my life people have liked other people in their lives more than me. i'm the reason people don't want to date me. i've always wanted to be someone else, but there isn't anything else i can be. i feel bad that i can't relate to most of the gay community because i've been closeted for my entire life. i'm going to die as a girl and be remembered as my mother's daughter. it feels like every time i talk about it i'm just aimlessly complaining about it, because there's really nothing i could do if my mother or my peers will never see me as the way i see myself. i hope that if i get reincarnated i'm able to be a real girl instead of a fake man.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Hey, what are your pronouns/identities? I just want to make sure I'm reading the post with that context in mind

 

[eggsausagerice]

Hey, what are your pronouns/identities? I just want to make sure I'm reading the post with that context in mind

he him and transmasc lol. ty for asking though since i opt to not bring it up often

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

he him and transmasc lol. i still hate talking about being trans openly

Oh fuuuck so this is a very relatable post then. I'm a gay trans man.

The whole thing about how being closeted most of your life fucks up your connection to the gay community is also my experience. It hasn't even been 3+ years since I figured out I was a guy, let alone came out of the closet. And I fell in love with a cis gay guy, which complicates things further.

It's a mess. I'm sorry you're also in the same boat. I wish cis gay men would sort of realize that there's more to their community then their own experience.

 

[aufrechtm7]

I don't think you should feel guilty, it's pretty justified. We unironically live in a society that demonizes people who don't conform to gender norms. And this isn't meant to be a slight to gay/bi people or turn things into oppression olympics, but it's harder to be trans in America today especially if you're a PoC.

 

[Pluto]

 

[eggsausagerice]

this isn't meant to be a slight to gay/bi people or turn things into oppression olympics, but it's harder to be trans in America today especially if you're a PoC.

thank you for understanding. it makes me feel really cringy to hate myself and feel jealous of people that are just existing. it's really hard to like myself when i feel extremely more aware of how unattractive i am as a trans person compared to a cis gay person, because cis gay people are "normal" compared to me. i feel like i have a lot of internalized transphobia being built up inside of myself because of how i usually only see happy or open trans people on social media, since closeted people wouldn't be talking about how depressed they are. it's like i can see how happy the cis gay community is, but i'm unable to actually participate in it myself because i'm not someone they want to interact with romantically or sexually. i feel like passing trans men are the only ones allowed to be part of the community, but even then they can still struggle with prejudice for not being cis. i feel like trans people are always losing because they can't be fully accepted. being told to be happy by people that are more successful than me makes me feel like i'm just not supposed to talk about how alienated i feel. i've hated myself for a long time because of my identity, because i know that living in a conversative state makes me even more isolated. it's embarrassing for me to try to date when i'm just going to get rejected over and over again. knowing that my cis sister knows how to function and has a long term boyfriend just makes me feel like i was born to be fucked up and fail at everything i try to do. even if i detransitioned, i wouldn't be anything like her.

while coming to terms with my death, i've realized that i've never been in a real relationship because no one's ever reciprocated feelings for me, or the only people that would be interested in a long term relationship with me are straight people. it makes me feel like if i'm so unattractive to people with the same sexuality as me then i should just be straight, even though i've never felt straight before. i've only felt jealous of girls instead of attracted to them. cis straight guys just want me to be a girl for them and cis girls want me to be a lesbian, but i'm not either.

i've been wanting to make a blog about how i've been feeling and made a few posts before deleting it last week. i kind of regret it, since it might be helpful to write instead of repressing how i feel, but i don't know if there's a point. sometimes talking about how i feel makes me feel more hopeless that my situation won't change, even if talking about it helps me remember that i'm not making my depression up for attention. some days i just feel like talking about my self hatred means i'm entitled, since it makes me seem attention seeking. i feel like i don't have a way to vent healthily if i'm always going to be ashamed of myself.

made me lol. pluto does it again

 

[aufrechtm7]

thank you for understanding. it makes me feel really cringy to hate myself and feel jealous of people that are just existing. it's really hard to like myself when i feel extremely more aware of how unattractive i am as a trans person compared to a cis gay person, because cis gay people are "normal" compared to me. i feel like i have a lot of internalized transphobia being built up inside of myself because of how i usually only see happy or open trans people on social media, since closeted people wouldn't be talking about how depressed they are. it's like i can see how happy the cis gay community is, but i'm unable to actually participate in it myself because i'm not someone they want to interact with romantically or sexually. i feel like passing trans men are the only ones allowed to be part of the community, but even then they can still struggle with prejudice for not being cis. i feel like trans people are always losing because they can't be fully accepted. being told to be happy by people that are more successful than me makes me feel like i'm just not supposed to talk about how alienated i feel. i've hated myself for a long time because of my identity, because i know that living in a conversative state makes me even more isolated. it's embarrassing for me to try to date when i'm just going to get rejected over and over again. knowing that my cis sister knows how to function and has a long term boyfriend just makes me feel like i was born to be fucked up and fail at everything i try to do. even if i detransitioned, i wouldn't be anything like her.


i've been wanting to make a blog about how i've been feeling and made a few posts before deleting it last week. i kind of regret it, since it might be helpful to write instead of repressing how i feel, but i don't know if there's a point. sometimes talking about how i feel makes me feel more hopeless that my situation won't change, even if talking about it helps me remember that i'm not making my depression up for attention. some days i just feel like talking about my self hatred means i'm entitled, since it makes me seem attention seeking. i feel like i don't have a way to vent healthily if i'm always going to be ashamed of myself.

I wish I had more perspective on those inter-communal struggles but I honestly don't, it frustrates me how even among marginalized groups we're still pretty divided. For context I'm a cis straight guy, so I don't have anything to worry about aside from being short or a PoC, but I'm comfortable in my own body and I'm lucky to have that privilege.

I really couldn't imagine what it's like to live in a conservative state as a trans person right now with pretty much half the country foaming at the mouth over this sorta thing, it'd be nice if more people gave less of a shit about people expressing themselves.

Also just wondering, but have you replaced the function of the blog with anything else? Like, are you venting to others (outside of sasu) to compensate for deleting it?

 

[eggsausagerice]

Like, are you venting to others (outside of sasu) to compensate for deleting it?

no lol. i pretty much don't want to talk with anyone about how i've been feeling because i know my irl friends wouldn't really understand. my cis sister doesn't really know that half of being trans is suffering and isolation. my trans friends have still been in relationships before, while i've only been a hookup. i don't want to talk about how i feel if i know it's just going to sound depressing. i was less motivated to post on the blog because it felt self indulgent to talk about my feelings when i don't think they actually matter. i don't think i'm allowed to be depressed if i'm not suffering in a way that can be perceived by others. i've never been hatecrimed because i've always been closeted. it feels like stolen valor to say i'm trans at all.

For context I'm a cis straight guy, so I don't have anything to worry about aside from being short or a PoC, but I'm comfortable in my own body and I'm lucky to have that privilege.

it's really good that you're able to recognize that. cis people often like to make trans issues about themselves and give advice that would only apply to them instead of me. that's one of the reasons i don't really like venting, because i know most people can only see from their perspective and can't actually understand mine. no matter how much i explain it they can't actually know what it's like to try to not hate yourself but still feel unaccepted by the world around you by not being what they want you to be. POC obv still have their own set of problems. i'm asian for example and have been fetishized because of it. it's been kind of disgusting to me every time i realized a guy was only attracted to me because of my race. i'm also short, which makes me get seen as kiddiebait at 20 instead of an adult. i don't really feel like a person most days and more like a set of traits, even if other people tell me i'm someone they actually like or want to be around. it really sucks to not be able to see myself as a whole person just because of the way other people see me.

 

[myhoney]

no lol. i pretty much don't want to talk with anyone about how i've been feeling because i know my irl friends wouldn't really understand. my cis sister doesn't really know that half of being trans is suffering and isolation. my trans friends have still been in relationships before, while i've only been a hookup. i don't want to talk about how i feel if i know it's just going to sound depressing. i was less motivated to post on the blog because it felt self indulgent to talk about my feelings when i don't think they actually matter. i don't think i'm allowed to be depressed if i'm not suffering in a way that can be perceived by others. i've never been hatecrimed because i've always been closeted. it feels like stolen valor to say i'm trans at all.


it's really good that you're able to recognize that. cis people often like to make trans issues about themselves and give advice that would only apply to them instead of me. that's one of the reasons i don't really like venting, because i know most people can only see from their perspective and can't actually understand mine. no matter how much i explain it they can't actually know what it's like to try to not hate yourself but still feel unaccepted by the world around you by not being what they want you to be. POC obv still have their own set of problems. i'm asian for example and have been fetishized because of it. it's been kind of disgusting to me every time i realized a guy was only attracted to me because of my race. i'm also short, which makes me get seen as kiddiebait at 20 instead of an adult. i don't really feel like a person most days and more like a set of traits, even if other people tell me i'm someone they actually like or want to be around. it really sucks to not be able to see myself as a whole person just because of the way other people see me.

i can relate to being poc, trans, and fetishized. whenever i tried dating i just got a bunch of chasers who wanted me to 'go back to being a girl' and people calling me 'milk chocolate' because im mixed black...ive also got a baby face so alot of older men and teen boys (usually in groups...shudder...those mushroom heads with their stupid go pros...) always creep on me because i like to dress up in alot of pastels and sparkles. it honestly was disgusting and made me wanna just burn em all to the ground lolololol. honestly, its them who're the issue imo. not to sound like those drooling old codgers complaining about the youths but everything nowadays is just making one-off judgments of someones value based off meaningless values. I blame those stupid 'looksmaxxing' tiktok chud 'ragebait' vloggers like jack doherty and new age 'toxic dating advice to make them fall for you blablbla' bull shit that became popular during covid (i think thats when it was popular? not sure). but the world is all kinds of fucked up rn, and its really not your fault. as well, the infighting within the queer community lately has been absolutely atrocious, and ive noticed a rise in transandrophobia (transphobia directed specifically at trans mascs) even from alot of other trans people. while im not transmasc it absolutely enrages me that a portion of our communitys energy is going towards useless petty stuff like excluding and mocking people who are just as marginalized as the rest of us...especially ticked off about alot of the white cis gay men who are more 'mainstream' nowadays trying to speak over alot of the rest of LGBT+ folks...some people just happen to be 'gay' but not 'queer' if you catch my drift...anyway, pardon my rant. i hope at least a bit of what i said properly portrays my point, but tldr i 100% feel what youre saying and stand with you...if im sounding like a total weirdo zealot or whatevs totes ignore me lololololol