I keep trying to find a reason to enjoy life, keep trying to realize what I have to be thankful for, keep trying to focus on how so many others seem to so heavily rely on me to get them through. But on the inside I am so dead. At the end of the day I lie down and hope strongly that I can go to sleep and never wake up. I have had plenty of suicidal thoughts circle through my mind plenty in my entire life, but the fear of failure and of the beyond both haunt me to the point of never making an attempt. I guess really I long to somehow just end up dying.
Every day I see people die as young as me and even younger (i'm 28), yet I live on. I do have good PHYSICAL health for sure. I work a full time job, have a boyfriend, I exercise, I cook, I clean. On the outside I always keep it altogether and with a smile at that, but there is still always that one missing element in my brain that is not okay with being alive. Like it is such an unending burden to me. I mean I guess my perfectionism doesn't help and it seems the more I try to perfect the more I let people down, and then there's my conflicting moral and spiritual values that are always battling in my mind.
I'm just tired of busting my ass just to remain to be seen as a failure and a disappointment by most. I'm tired of doing so much and not being unappreciated. I'm sick of being taken for granted. And I have been ready to check out for so long. Everyone would move on so smoothly anyway. They just move on to the next person to use up. All but my Mom. She's another reason I keep going too. Everyone else would see themselves as better off.
Every day I see people die as young as me and even younger (i'm 28), yet I live on. I do have good PHYSICAL health for sure. I work a full time job, have a boyfriend, I exercise, I cook, I clean. On the outside I always keep it altogether and with a smile at that, but there is still always that one missing element in my brain that is not okay with being alive. Like it is such an unending burden to me. I mean I guess my perfectionism doesn't help and it seems the more I try to perfect the more I let people down, and then there's my conflicting moral and spiritual values that are always battling in my mind.
I'm just tired of busting my ass just to remain to be seen as a failure and a disappointment by most. I'm tired of doing so much and not being unappreciated. I'm sick of being taken for granted. And I have been ready to check out for so long. Everyone would move on so smoothly anyway. They just move on to the next person to use up. All but my Mom. She's another reason I keep going too. Everyone else would see themselves as better off.
