ithappens
Live free or die
- Aug 9, 2018
- 159
So IDK if this happens to anyone else, but it's happened to me a lot and really gets under my skin. I have suffered from extreme depression for most of my life now, since I was about 10 years old. My first suicide attempt was when I was 12 - failed miserably because I was young, stupid, and trusted info from a sketchy website.
Anyways, at several points throughout my life when I have felt at my worst and knew I needed help badly or I would wind up hurting myself, I've had people essentially tell me that I am much stronger than I believe at that time (as if they know better than I do the level of distress I am going through) and then tell me that I need to learn to be 'grateful' before telling me a bunch of horrible shit that has happened in the world. And somehow that's supposed to make me feel grateful?? It's like they are trying to guilt-shame me when what I need the most at the moment more than anything is any example at all of the world being a GOOD place, of hope, not more reasoning as to why the world is a shit place and I don't want to be here. What the hell is wrong with people? And why do they think they know my limits more than I do? I really do hate people sometimes, they think they know everything but they don't.
When I was living with my grandparents a couple years ago and struggling to keep my head above water my mother told my grandmother she should dump me on the street to be homeless, and that that would teach me how to love life. Luckily my grandmother knows me better than my mom does because she responded that she'd rather not have a dead granddaughter thank you very much. She knew the moment I found myself homeless and without hope I'd just kill myself, it's like she was the only person who understood how bad it was even IF she admitted that she didn't understand me or my depression at all. "I don't understand how people don't see how bad it is," she once said "When your depression gets really bad it's even visible. I can see you become sicker and sicker." And apparently she's the only one.
Another person I dated long distance (and who was a piece of shit for various reasons) made fake online accounts to try and pretend to be someone suicidal and depressed (as well as various other "people"), have them "connect" with me, and then attempt to paint someone with an even more shit life than mine so they could then say with their real account "Wow, at least you aren't ___, they have it REALLY BAD." They would then go on to tell me I am much stronger than them and that I should help them (their real account, not the fake ones) instead because I don't really have problems that bad. Meanwhile I didn't feel these fake accounts had it worse, I merely felt bad for them for struggling as I did and attempted to make real connections with them. Imagine how much of a backslap it was to find out these accounts were all fake and being used to manipulate and gaslight me? And this other person didn't understand why I was so angry and hurt as to lash out at them and tell them off. Our contact with each other of course ended, in a very bitter way with a fight.
I'm just so tired. Right now I am alive for my husband, one of the only people in this world who hasn't just used and abused me. He is the only one who has actually helped me improve and is trying to get me the right help, even if it's costly and he has to work more to achieve it. I really feel blessed to have him in my life and THIS is the sort of motivation that I need, NOT being shown how shitty the world is as if I don't know. I am so sick of people who think they know me and my limitations and needs better than I do. How dare you??
Vent over. I'm sorry if this was the wrong place, but it is related to my suicidality and I felt the need to vent about it in a place where I (hopefully) will not be shit all over.
Anyways, at several points throughout my life when I have felt at my worst and knew I needed help badly or I would wind up hurting myself, I've had people essentially tell me that I am much stronger than I believe at that time (as if they know better than I do the level of distress I am going through) and then tell me that I need to learn to be 'grateful' before telling me a bunch of horrible shit that has happened in the world. And somehow that's supposed to make me feel grateful?? It's like they are trying to guilt-shame me when what I need the most at the moment more than anything is any example at all of the world being a GOOD place, of hope, not more reasoning as to why the world is a shit place and I don't want to be here. What the hell is wrong with people? And why do they think they know my limits more than I do? I really do hate people sometimes, they think they know everything but they don't.
When I was living with my grandparents a couple years ago and struggling to keep my head above water my mother told my grandmother she should dump me on the street to be homeless, and that that would teach me how to love life. Luckily my grandmother knows me better than my mom does because she responded that she'd rather not have a dead granddaughter thank you very much. She knew the moment I found myself homeless and without hope I'd just kill myself, it's like she was the only person who understood how bad it was even IF she admitted that she didn't understand me or my depression at all. "I don't understand how people don't see how bad it is," she once said "When your depression gets really bad it's even visible. I can see you become sicker and sicker." And apparently she's the only one.
Another person I dated long distance (and who was a piece of shit for various reasons) made fake online accounts to try and pretend to be someone suicidal and depressed (as well as various other "people"), have them "connect" with me, and then attempt to paint someone with an even more shit life than mine so they could then say with their real account "Wow, at least you aren't ___, they have it REALLY BAD." They would then go on to tell me I am much stronger than them and that I should help them (their real account, not the fake ones) instead because I don't really have problems that bad. Meanwhile I didn't feel these fake accounts had it worse, I merely felt bad for them for struggling as I did and attempted to make real connections with them. Imagine how much of a backslap it was to find out these accounts were all fake and being used to manipulate and gaslight me? And this other person didn't understand why I was so angry and hurt as to lash out at them and tell them off. Our contact with each other of course ended, in a very bitter way with a fight.
I'm just so tired. Right now I am alive for my husband, one of the only people in this world who hasn't just used and abused me. He is the only one who has actually helped me improve and is trying to get me the right help, even if it's costly and he has to work more to achieve it. I really feel blessed to have him in my life and THIS is the sort of motivation that I need, NOT being shown how shitty the world is as if I don't know. I am so sick of people who think they know me and my limitations and needs better than I do. How dare you??
Vent over. I'm sorry if this was the wrong place, but it is related to my suicidality and I felt the need to vent about it in a place where I (hopefully) will not be shit all over.
