I am the most embarrassing person alive. I keep making a spectacle of myself, I keep making a thing of things in ways that make me look embarrassing. I never intended to turn out this way but it just happened, we live in a claustrophobic world where everyone is pressed up against each other, unless you've got a steady family and structure behind you that keeps you in check. I was always seen as embarrassing. In retrospect part of me wonders if I should have killed myself when I was much younger, I embarrassed myself to the extent I was called a rapist once, for being too hands on with people at the time. It was bullshit but people can be bullshit. Fast forward through the years, I keep embarrassing myself through everything and everyone I go through. I tried to get secure with people, social media, I turn myself into a spectacle, i try to determine to what extent people see me as a threat and to what extent people are a threat to me - I hate people's fake sympathy, fake humility, fake empathy, they laugh and laugh and laugh and cringe and cringe and cringe and it's like a car running over you again and again and again, every time the car runs over you you explode or you react or you twitch in a different way, you leak and you bleed, you spill out in ways human beings aren't supposed to spill out, its not natural for humans to spill out in these ways. I am moving closer to suicide, this forum is my last refuge before I die, I am mobilising to die
For all those who pushed me over the edge, you won. I am the loser you said I was, the fuckup the spaz the embarrassment. I was awkward with women and people, I have no choice but to accept your interpretations of me as someone who is 'special' and you fucked me up from birth, telling my mum who never let go of it, still made it an issue. Your conclusion of neurodiversity is toxic misdiagnosising propaganda, you never accepted me as a normal human being, had to make something for something sake. I have nothing to live for, I can't achieve anything, I can't live for anything. My last few days and weeks will be spent trying to reconcile the way I was interpreted as awkward and embarrassing, I will always be scarred and affected and fucked up from all of that and that's why I'm on the way out, February was the final straw breaking down
Why did I spend £500 on SN? I wasn't sure how reliable sources really are, what the going rate was. Maybe its just a reflection of how embarrassing I am. I am now refused access to PayPal which may affect me being able to gather resources for my OD attempt, I don't know if I should have given them proof of ID, it seems like they just took that and used it as an opportunity to permanently ban me, as if they had already determined I am a sex offender but just wanted me to verify it for them. I hate being stupid, embarrassing, I keep tripping over and over and over and I'm so tripped up at this point that I am determined to kill myself, I can never put my life back together
It's like a feeling in my gut, my gut instinct is so fucked up I can't figure out what is reliable any more. Its impossible for me to make secure decisions because my gut instinct is so screwed up I can't honestly say 'don't do that you fucking retard! That's not what you should be doing!'
For all those who pushed me over the edge, you won. I am the loser you said I was, the fuckup the spaz the embarrassment. I was awkward with women and people, I have no choice but to accept your interpretations of me as someone who is 'special' and you fucked me up from birth, telling my mum who never let go of it, still made it an issue. Your conclusion of neurodiversity is toxic misdiagnosising propaganda, you never accepted me as a normal human being, had to make something for something sake. I have nothing to live for, I can't achieve anything, I can't live for anything. My last few days and weeks will be spent trying to reconcile the way I was interpreted as awkward and embarrassing, I will always be scarred and affected and fucked up from all of that and that's why I'm on the way out, February was the final straw breaking down
Why did I spend £500 on SN? I wasn't sure how reliable sources really are, what the going rate was. Maybe its just a reflection of how embarrassing I am. I am now refused access to PayPal which may affect me being able to gather resources for my OD attempt, I don't know if I should have given them proof of ID, it seems like they just took that and used it as an opportunity to permanently ban me, as if they had already determined I am a sex offender but just wanted me to verify it for them. I hate being stupid, embarrassing, I keep tripping over and over and over and I'm so tripped up at this point that I am determined to kill myself, I can never put my life back together
It's like a feeling in my gut, my gut instinct is so fucked up I can't figure out what is reliable any more. Its impossible for me to make secure decisions because my gut instinct is so screwed up I can't honestly say 'don't do that you fucking retard! That's not what you should be doing!'
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