Being the 'level-headed' friend (when I am suicidal)

[NeedAnEscape]

Throughout life, I have been described as the 'level-headed' friend, the one who makes smart decisions, knows their life path, and doesn't cave to the pressures of others. Yet, this comparison is a stark contradiction to how I actually feel and behave. Being suicidal has left me with thousands of irrational thoughts. Lately, I have been acting more recklessly -- compromising my safety and friendships. Around friends, I speak openly about ambitions I can never imagine fulfilling. I do not feel like I am in control of my life, merely bending to the wishes of others. I feel chained to existence by the will of others rather than a desire to live and pursue my own path.

Being described as 'level-headed' makes me question my own suicidal nature at times. If people think I'm the exact opposite of what I actually am, then... are these thoughts even real? Are my moments of loneliness, depression, and anxiety invalid? Do I even belong on this forum, if on the outside, people perceive me as a normal, functioning human being?

While I understand that, yes, I am suicidal (even though people aren't picking up on the warning signs), it's hard to not feel as though I am 'living a lie.' I think a lot of us on SaSu can relate to that -- spending the day with a mask of normalcy for others before breaking the facade and being far more genuine on this forum.

I'm curious to hear about what masks people wear outside of this forum, and if they can relate to being completely misunderstood by others, who believe we have our lives altogether when, in earnest, we do not.

 

[almaPerdida]

This resonated so much with me, i'm in the same boat. I'm the calmest and most chill of my friend's group and normally they seek after me when in need of advice and just to vent, because i'm seem as the rock of the group because i'm rarely feeling down. The truth is, i just don't like seeking for help but i love being there to help others. Of course they don't know i've decided a method and wrote a suicide letter already tho.

I've questioned my depression and suicide wishes more than once. I'm not ambitious and i just want a job to pay my bills, pay my rent and my games. My friends know that i don't want a mansion or to be famous. I am actually very low profile and my friends say how i am happy since i'm so disconnected from social media. I am oblivious to what's happening to people outside my circle because i simply don't want to know and that, among my simple plans and chill mood, make them see me as the "gifted child" or something.

And i know how you feel because it's weird. How can i be this far into suicide, and people around me just believe i'm actually chill?

are these thoughts even real?

I thinks it's more like, you see people having faith in you, and you wonder if maybe they're right? At least that's how it goes for me, they see me as a functioning human being too, and deep down i wonder if i can be that functioning human being that they see, because honestly i don't see that in me. Not right now at least. Sometimes it makes me wonder if it's worth sticking around a little longer to see if it's worth it.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I'm fairly competent at my job, I'm usually the one people come to for advice or help solving problems. I feel like a fraud most of the time though

My mom and sister are both very emotional and have called me a "cold bitch" and "callous" because I internalize my emotions instead of outwardly expressing them, and they have told me I don't have feelings, which must justify their bullying and ostracizing of me in their mind. Despite also coming to me for emotional support and practical help when they need it

In reality I do have feelings, I just can't show them to anyone because of trauma. So I guess that's the mask I wear to others

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I thinks it's more like, you see people having faith in you, and you wonder if maybe they're right? At least that's how it goes for me, they see me as a functioning human being too, and deep down i wonder if i can be that functioning human being that they see, because honestly i don't see that in me. Not right now at least. Sometimes it makes me wonder if it's worth sticking around a little longer to see if it's worth it.

Perhaps, this is a more accurate description. If people think I am put together, does that mean I may actually be? Personally, the answer is no. I know I am a mess; people just don't see it. Their assumptions don't align with my reality. It does create a weird disconnect, which could make my death a 'shock' to friends and family.

I'm fairly competent at my job, I'm usually the one people come to for advice or help solving problems. I feel like a fraud most of the time though

My mom and sister are both very emotional and have called me a "cold bitch" and "callous" because I internalize my emotions instead of outwardly expressing them, and they have told me I don't have feelings, which must justify their bullying and ostracizing of me in their mind. Despite also coming to me for emotional support and practical help when they need it

In reality I do have feelings, I just can't show them to anyone because of trauma. So I guess that's the mask I wear to others

We all have different ways of managing our emotions. While I am open with my emotions with others, I do hide away my darker thoughts and feelings. I relate to being used for emotional support, yet being unable to find it in return. It's unfair that your family treats you that way.

 

[Forveleth]

I've had persistent depressive disorders since at least my early teens (I don't have an official diagnosis date). It's a low level depression where I can still have a job, relationships and appear normal, but I'm constantly depressed. When I was younger and I cried without knowing why, my parents would tell me to stop. In high school when I started having anxiety attacks they would get mad at me for waking them up in the middle of the night when I threw up. Whenever I would come to them about my feelings and problems, they would invalidate them or tell me I was doing something wrong. I learned a long time ago that I had to hide how I truly feel and act like I have my shit together.

Amongst my friends, I'm in the same boat. Everyone thinks I'm calm and collected and have my life together and, to a point, I do but I'm just incredibly sad on top of it. If someone asks me for advice, I can help them reason through it and get an answer, but then I cry myself to sleep every night. So I can relate.

As far as your feelings being invalid, they are very much not. A lot of people show a different side of themselves to the world than how they really are. Unfortunately, this has become a norm because being sad or emotionally charged or just not appearing content all the time has marked you as some sort of outlier. Social media has further reinforced this thinking, sadly. It's a skill that I learned very early on, but I know the real me is the one that nobody ever sees.

 

[violethaze]

Around friends, I speak openly about ambitions I can never imagine fulfilling. I do not feel like I am in control of my life, merely bending to the wishes of others. I feel chained to existence by the will of others rather than a desire to live and pursue my own path.

I've tried so many times to explain how I feel to people but you nailed it perfectly. I'm glad I'm not the only one who does this too. I go to uni for a stem course, and I started talking about my silly dreams about fucking off and writing a screenplay, getting recognised for my writing (lol) and just being able to live freely.

My "mask" is probably the one most related to my academic abilities. For 22 years I've just been living off the high of validation when people ooh and awe at what I'm doing and studying. I could not be more of a fraud - I'm terrible at what I do now. I should not go into my profession because I'd probably get someone injured. And then, I hate how fragile I've become because it's all I know. I'm stuck at uni doing the thing I've been preparing my whole life to do. I don't know, it sounds common but I feel like I'm still dreaming when everyone else is firmly rooted in reality.

 

[NeedAnEscape]

I've had persistent depressive disorders since at least my early teens (I don't have an official diagnosis date). It's a low level depression where I can still have a job, relationships and appear normal, but I'm constantly depressed. When I was younger and I cried without knowing why, my parents would tell me to stop. In high school when I started having anxiety attacks they would get mad at me for waking them up in the middle of the night when I threw up. Whenever I would come to them about my feelings and problems, they would invalidate them or tell me I was doing something wrong. I learned a long time ago that I had to hide how I truly feel and act like I have my shit together.

It's horrible to have your experiences diminished and your feelings ignored. The mask turns into a shield to protect us from those kinds of people. My family are 'fixers' and won't let me linger on dark thoughts and bad experiences. In turn, I don't voice my pain around them.

Amongst my friends, I'm in the same boat. Everyone thinks I'm calm and collected and have my life together and, to a point, I do but I'm just incredibly sad on top of it. If someone asks me for advice, I can help them reason through it and get an answer, but then I cry myself to sleep every night. So I can relate.

You just put my own experiences into words. My life isn't completely shattered, so I am 'put together' to some degree. I just suffer from depressive and suicidal thoughts on top of it. There are people I know who depend on me for emotional support, yet won't return the favor. Thus, I need to 'be fine' in order for the relationship to function. Yet, I constantly suffer in silence. It's painful to see how similar our experiences are.

As far as your feelings being invalid, they are very much not. A lot of people show a different side of themselves to the world than how they really are. Unfortunately, this has become a norm because being sad or emotionally charged or just not appearing content all the time has marked you as some sort of outlier. Social media has further reinforced this thinking, sadly. It's a skill that I learned very early on, but I know the real me is the one that nobody ever sees.

I really am fed up with appearances. Some days, I am too tired to fake it, and people will tell me how I 'look like shit.' I've always hated being contorted into a person I'm not, in order to blend in with society. It's a taboo to express pain -- and I even have friends who will avoid/ignore me when I slip the mask in the slightest. I've become more fixated on how others behave, and in accordance, I can see right through them. It makes me boil to see how tacky and fake people really are. Ever since I was a child, I always hated phrases like 'fake it till you make it' for this reason. I just want to be a real person, but the world won't let me.

 

[TooLate2582]

You're not alone. I, too, am the cool under pressure one bc there's no amount of external pressure to equal what's between my ears.

 

[Ironborn]

Me on the outside:

Me on the inside:

 

[set0553]

It would appear most of us here are in the same boat. I don't have any "friends" or anyone I talk to outside of coworkers, but they tell me constantly that work would fall apart without me being so organized always. I set really high goals and expectations for myself everyday, and I reach those goals no matter what I have to do. I'm relied upon for alot, seen as level headed and organized, and none would ever see me as depressed and suicidal.. there'll be alot of shock and confusion when it happens for sure. It seems we all wear a similar mask. Very likely because we don't want the world to see what's really going on in our heads..