Venting Being the "happy" guy is exhausting

[prkset]

I don't know why, but I'm a social butterfly at work. I work in retail and everyone loves me. Coworkers, customers, everyone. Fuck, I've literally heard stories from coworkers about customers walking in and then walking out because I'm not there. I think I'm a solid 3/10 but i always have girls hitting on me, probably because of my "personality."

But here's the thing, it's all fake. I'm currently in the worst spot, mentally, that I've ever been in. I'm currently in the process of cutting ties with everyone I know because I have a bus to catch. But that's neither here nor there.

I don't like dealing with people seeing me in my true state, so whenever I'm interacting with people I put on this goofy, happy go lucky attitude and it works way too well. It's exhausting. Anybody in the same boat as me can attest, it's fucking draining. And the issue is, the past month for some reason it's been slipping. I almost punched a customer because he was speaking too softly. I walked out back and basically demolished my hand on a discarded freezer and I had zero control over it. The dude probably thought I was about to puke with the way I just dropped his shit on the counter mid convo and walked out.

I feel like my fake happiness is like a muscle that's finally giving out and I'm worried what's going to happen when I don't have that control anymore. There's no words to describe the amount of disdain I have for myself, but I still care about other people. I have a wife who I've put through hell for 4 years with this shit and lately we barely even talk. I feel like there's a turning moment when the brain subconsciously begins to actually, officially begin the process of leading me to CTB and it's exciting in a way but it's equally heartbreaking when I look and see the way I'm affecting people who care about me.

 

[stoiccactus]

I know exactly where you're coming from, man. It is exhausting and it never ends because the real self is angry and repressed. Some days, well, most days, it feels like ctb is the only way out.

 

[cali22♡]

I still feel the same way. .


I hate pretending at work that everything is fine even though it's not

Or when your colleagues make unfunny jokes and you have to laugh in fits even though it's not funny at all

 

[Raven2]

I definitely put on a mask at work and also have customers that will only be served by me because no one else seems to know what they're doing.

I only have a few regulars but is it quite painful when they ask how I am and pretending everything's alright when deep down it's not.

I'm rather guarded with my personal life with colleagues I dont give much away, I just prefer it that way. Some colleagues like to talk about everything, my manager was droning on about his home life non stop for ages the other day. I zoned out, why the hell did they think I give a shit, I genuinely do not care.

 

[prkset]

I definitely put on a mask at work and also have customers that will only be served by me because no one else seems to know what they're doing.

I only have a few regulars but is it quite painful when they ask how I am and pretending everything's alright when deep down it's not.

I'm rather guarded with my personal life with colleagues I dont give much away, I just prefer it that way. Some colleagues like to talk about everything, my manager was droning on about his home life non stop for ages the other day. I zoned out, why the hell did they think I give a shit, I genuinely do not care.

You fuckin nailed it man. I'm the same exact way. Although I don't mind my coworkers venting/telling stories/whatever I genuinely could not care less. Which makes me feel even worse. It's like your mind is constantly finding ways to weaponize benign shit against itself.

 

[justwannadip]

I don't know why, but I'm a social butterfly at work. I work in retail and everyone loves me. Coworkers, customers, everyone. Fuck, I've literally heard stories from coworkers about customers walking in and then walking out because I'm not there. I think I'm a solid 3/10 but i always have girls hitting on me, probably because of my "personality."

But here's the thing, it's all fake. I'm currently in the worst spot, mentally, that I've ever been in. I'm currently in the process of cutting ties with everyone I know because I have a bus to catch. But that's neither here nor there.

I don't like dealing with people seeing me in my true state, so whenever I'm interacting with people I put on this goofy, happy go lucky attitude and it works way too well. It's exhausting. Anybody in the same boat as me can attest, it's fucking draining. And the issue is, the past month for some reason it's been slipping. I almost punched a customer because he was speaking too softly. I walked out back and basically demolished my hand on a discarded freezer and I had zero control over it. The dude probably thought I was about to puke with the way I just dropped his shit on the counter mid convo and walked out.

I feel like my fake happiness is like a muscle that's finally giving out and I'm worried what's going to happen when I don't have that control anymore. There's no words to describe the amount of disdain I have for myself, but I still care about other people. I have a wife who I've put through hell for 4 years with this shit and lately we barely even talk. I feel like there's a turning moment when the brain subconsciously begins to actually, officially begin the process of leading me to CTB and it's exciting in a way but it's equally heartbreaking when I look and see the way I'm affecting people who care about me.

Man, I understand you on a whole lotta fronts

 

[N33dT0D13]

Yeah, everyone knows me as "cheerful", even my friend despite him knowing about my issues and maintaining that I don't have to be cheerful all the time but it would disappoint people if I wasn't, it's so ingrained into me but I also feel so fake for it, I know I'm fake as fuck but it makes other people happy, even if I can't keep up all the time and need to isolate sometimes and sleep all fucking day like a lazy idiot...

 

[Lost Magic]

Yeah, when I was younger I used to put on a brave face for people, a lot! Now, I just don't even care about what other people think of me. But, you're right, it can be exhausting. Just vent your frustrations on here and through other healthy ways. All the best!